Misadventures in Heavy Metalling

A New Black Metal Record Shop is Coming to the Upscale Suburb Near You!


A New Black Metal Record Shop is Coming to the Upscale Suburb Near You!We’re pleased to announce the upcoming grand opening of Svartedauden, the area’s first-ever independent music and memorabilia shop dedicated exclusively to black metal and evil incarnate! Inconveniently located in an upscale suburb just eight miles from downtown (and inaccessible by public transit), Svartedauden will occupy the vacant storefront between Orange Leaf and Talbots that formerly housed the Great Harvest Bread Company. We’re especially excited about the prohibitively expensive lease terms because Svartedauden will thrive on the pain that they inflict and our clientele will love the feeling of despair that comes from passively observing the for-sale house prices posted in the windows of the twenty real estate offices that encircle our little dominion of malice and misanthropy.

With its unrelenting and unrepentant life-hating ethos, Svartedauden will inject a refreshing new boost of vitality to the town center as various blackpackers and other down-hearted individuals descend upon the municipal parking lot located directly behind the CVS. From there they will make the unholy brick-paved pilgrimage to discover our ghastly record collection, which includes such unique gems as the only copy ever made of a rare single-edition album recorded by an unknown band in Lærdalsøyri, Norway that’s so kvlt it’s never been listened to, not even by us.

Also, no longer will the town’s reputation as a charming haven of outdoor summer shopping and overpriced ice cream be the only draw for out-of-towners. Once our cozy, little Hell opens, the bleak winter months will also provide an attraction all of their own because that’s the only time of year when we will put on display the only known cavity filling to have ever been recovered from Pelle Dead’s lifeless body. And as a special thank you to all of our local champions of pain and agony, any professional dentist or dental assistant who drops by during corpse-cavity-viewing-hours will also receive 50% off any in-store purchase.

But just because the dead of winter is where Svartedauden will feel most alive does not mean that the shop will recede into the shadows during the spring and summer. Conversely, we will convert the parallel parking space directly in front of our shop into a pop-up parklet of outdoor sin and suffering. With a multitude of impaled rodent carcasses rotting away in the hot summer sun and Mayhem’s De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas blasting at full volume, we hope that ours will be the second-most physically revolting parklet in town. That’s because we fully expect the hipster indie rock, tight neon spandex, and excessive-perspiration-induced body stench emanating from the adjacent bicycle cafe’s parklet to obliterate our comparatively feeble efforts at repugnance, which will be good for our self-loathing.

And of course, not only will everything that we do be sinful and emotionally decrepit, but it will also comply with code. That means that Svartedauden will feature the properly painted and well-maintained sign, affixed to a substantial intermediary removable surface, as required by the esoteric and arcane language of the zoning bylaws. And like those laws, no one will actually be able to understand what our sign says, but we’re pretty sure that the over-sized inverted cross will contrast nicely with the picturesque white church steeple that lies in view just down the road.

Finally, we are well aware that black metal has come under attack in recent years for being discriminatory, particularly for its tendency towards excluding women and all that is feminine and not evil. So in an effort to be more inclusive, Svartedauden will offer a special two-for Tuesdays shopping deal for all the local stay-at-home moms who are looking for fun and exciting new ways to keep busy that don’t involve tormenting the innocent souls of local teachers while their husbands conduct truly blasphemous acts of villainy and wickedness at various banking and legal establishments downtown.

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