40 Metal Predictions for 2019

  • Axl Rosenberg
  1. There will not be a new Tool album.
  2. Whitechapel will headline Summer Slaughter.
  3. The Faceless will undergo a line-up change.
  4. The movie version of The Dirt will be a letdown.
  5. Metallica will release a super-duper extra-special deluxe reissue of The Black Album, which will immediately outsell the new Megadeth record.
  6. Marilyn Manson will fall down on stage.
  7. Mike Portnoy will become the new drummer for Five Finger Death Punch.
  8. Mudvayne will reunite.
  9. Slayer will extend their farewell tour into 2028… and MetalSucks is giving away tickets to every show!
  10. Mastodon’s Brent Hinds will get into hot water after giving an interview in which he admits he hates playing guitar.
  11. Corey Taylor’s new Slipknot mask will announce a 2020 presidential bid.
  12. Ghost’s hiring practices will be called into question when someone wonders why there’s never been a Mama Emeritus.
  13. Van Halen will, as rumored, announce a massive summer stadium tour… but it will be with Gary Cherone.
  14. Chris Barnes will be institutionalized after becoming convinced that his dreadlocks are trying to kill him.
  15. Dave Mustaine will blame Marty Friedman for Super Collider.
  16. Scott Ian will tear his ACL as the result of decades spent stomping around in circles on stage.
  17. Gene Simmons will perish in a tragic fall from his platform boots.
  18. No one will get laid at a Dream Theater show.
  19. Attila’s new single will be called “Pee-Pee in the Poo-Poo.”
  20. Brie Larson will cite Kittie as inspiration for her performance in Captain Marvel.
  21. Some creepy website will auction off what they claim to be the fingertips Tony Iommi lost when he was seventeen.
  22. Acidic Vaginal Liquid Explosion Generated by Mass Amounts of Filthy Fecal Fisting and Sadistic Septic Syphilic Sodomy Inside the Infected Maggot Infested Womb of a Molested Nun Dying Under the Roof of a Burning Church While a Priest Watches and Ejaculates in Immense Perverse Pleasure over His First Fresh Fetus will release a song-for-song cover of Fiona Apple’s When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold You r Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.
  23. Adam D.’s Riff and Corpsegrinder’s Neck will announce a new supergroup.
  24. DevilDriver will release a gangsta rap covers album featuring guest appearances by Ice-T, Coolio, MC Ren, Bushwick Bill, and T-Bone from Da Lench Mob.
  25. The black metal community will protest the Lords of Chaos movie via a plethora of social media posts that call out the film by name and provide links to showtimes and advance tickets.
  26. Rob Zombie will announce that his next film project is a remake of The Birds, only without birds in it, because “birds aren’t scary.”
  27. Obituary will crowdfund their new album; one available perk for fans will be to have their Obituary written and screamed by John Tardy.
  28. Tommy Lee will accidentally knock himself out with his own drumsticks and then claim the sticks sucker punched him.
  29. Atreyu will assert that they came up with their name before The NeverEnding Story.
  30. It will be revealed that should Doro ever remove her hands from her belt completely, her torso will fall off.
  31. Three words: GWAR. Funko. Pops.
  32. So it turns out that Shaun Glass has been standing, like, right over there the whole time.
  33. Ozzy Osbourne will admit that he doesn’t really enjoy working with Sharon, Jack, or Kelly Osbourne.
  34. The new Thy Art Is Murder album will be just be 2017’s Dear Desolation with the track list reversed; no one will notice.
  35. Shawn “Clown” Crahan will launch a new podcast, which is just him reading random words from the Oxford English Dictionary for 45 minutes a week; no one will notice.
  36. Mushroomhead will fire and replace six members; no one will notice.
  37. Retired Vanity Fair editor-in-chief Graydon Carter will attempt to re-launch Metal Edge.
  38. Chris Holmes will blame white kids listening to hip-hop for the lack of a W.A.S.P. song in Marvel’s Ant-Man and the Wasp.
  39. I will finally launch my Guns N’ Roses/Slipknot mash-up tribute band, Slashknot.
  40. Hellraisers: A Complete Visual History of Heavy Metal Mayhem will sell at least one more copy.
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