Slipknot’s Clown Admits He Hates Doing His Own Podcast in Clowniest Way Possible
Slipknot percussionist, scourge of empty kegs across the planet, and warrior-poet, Shawn “Clown” Crahan, has given an interview to Mosh Talks in which he admits he hates his own podcast, The Electric Theater, which is part of the hard-hitting journalistic outpost Knotfest.com website.
That’s already interesting. But it gets even more entertaining when you read Clown’s entire statement, which is spoken in typical Clown-talk (i.e., it barely makes sense).
Asked “How does it feel to be on the other side of the mic?”, here’s what Clown said (as transcribed by MetalSucks), along with my own running commentary:
“I’ll be completely honest with you – I hate it. And the reason why I hate it is because of numerous things that we could spend many, many hours speaking about, we’ll just get to a couple of them very obviously.”
Now take a second to scroll down and see how much is left of this quote, and know that his answer lasted more than eight minutes. And this is Clown’s short explanation.
But at least thus far everything is recognizable as English.
“No. 1, right or wrong, I take everything I do very seriously because life is a gift, and I think what a lot of people around me haven’t seen is that it’s been a lot of people taking shots at me, or my band, or the band I’m in, or what we stand for, or the art…”
So far so good.
“It’s been that way from the beginning so there’s a certain side of me that comes through on the tree, and I don’t always like pelicans sitting on my branches. I’ve been known to cut branches off…
Aaaaaaaaaannnnnddddd I’m dead.
There are now three separate metaphors at play (people “taking shots” at Clown, Clown’s tree, and the pelicans in Clown’s tree), but I think what he’s saying is that after years of hearing people talk shit, he’s developed some armor (“a certain side of me that comes through on the tree”) and sometimes simply exorcises people (“pelicans”) who fuck with his shit (branches)? But I’m not 100% sure my interpretation is correct.
And why pelicans? I’m no ornithologist, but I don’t think they’re known for being especially dangerous birds, are they? Is Clown cool with, I dunno, robins sitting on his branches? Nightingales? What about owls?
“So, I don’t like it because it’s so personal, and I got forced to do it, to be honest with you. I got talked into it, forced into it, I decided to do a podcast because it was a challenge.”
You heard it here first, folks: Clown got forced into something he decided to do.
“I was asked to do something to partake in knotfest.com, which I am part of without being part of.”
“But I was asked to be a little bit more personal, and that’s hard for me because I ask myself, ‘Are you personal? Is it real? Am I going to be made out to be one way or another?’ So for me to do a podcast is very difficult because A) the podcast is about two people that don’t know each other that well, and just have a normal conversation.”
Not only does this make sense to me, but I can relate — it’s why I’ve all but completely stopped doing interviews, deferring to those who have more of a talent for striking up “normal conversations.”
ANYWAY, Clown continues:
“All the conversations are probably going to lead to creativity, yes.”
Just to be clear, what he means is “All the conversations are probably going to lead to THE TOPIC OF creativity.” Not, like, the conversations will produce something creative.
“I guess that’s just the natural thing of me, I’ll take that to note, though.
“I am talking to someone who hasn’t been to space but works on planets – I find that an art form so I don’t know how I’m gonna talk to him without being like, ‘Alright, man, is it real?’”
First of all, “I am talking to someone who hasn’t been to space but works on planets” may be my new favorite sentence of all time. The phrasing is just, mwah!, perfect. I mean I know what Clown means but he makes it sounds like most of us don’t work on planets and were just drifting aimlessly through the atmosphere.
“I don’t want the personal conversation to get confused, I need it to be made out to be something. I carry a heavy burden, this Clown thing.”
This should be good.
“First of all, true, I am, you can’t change it nor deny it.”
You can’t change or deny his burden? I’m not quite following here.
“I’m not even from here.”
So this interview wasn’t conducted in Des Moines?
“But imagine, like… I just had this conversation with my wife upstairs, and you’re like, ‘Oh, there’s this thing that comes with before you even show up…’”
I had to listen to him say this part twice, but I think when he says “this thing,” he means the “heavy burden” of “this Clown thing.” I think.
“I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, I don’t know if it’s fair, I don’t know if it’s human, I don’t know if I created that for myself, I don’t know if it’s real because I’m sitting in it.”
Still talking about his reputation I believe.
“I know that, on heavy moments, mainly family, it’s a problem.”
See he does this weird thing where he leaves out words. This sentence would make perfect sense if he just said “During heavy moments — mainly ones involving my family — my reputation is a problem.” Instead, this reads like he said it in the middle of having a stroke.
“Because you would think that I’m just me, and we don’t have to think about anything else.”
Once more, I assume he means that his family has to consider his “heavy burden” during “heavy moments,” but his phrasing is bizarre.
“But generally, this is what I hear.”
Yeah no idea what this means. It’s like half the conversation took place in his head and he didn’t realize the rest of us can’t hear it.
“And I want you to know that I’m on this ‘new kick.’”
By the way, he still hasn’t explained why he doesn’t like doing his podcast. But sure, let’s move on to this “new kick.”
“The ‘new kick’ is that anything that was yesterday is null and void. Period. Doesn’t matter. I don’t care how passionate, if I told you it was factual, it’s done, it’s over with. It makes no difference to me.”
“But, if you’re like, ‘Is it true you still love your wife?’ I’d be like, ‘Absolutely, absolutely! More so!’”
“So obviously, most of everything that I’m saying is null and void remains the same. But anything anybody wants to try to prove otherwise in any hurtful manner without… It’s so contrived and foolish.”
“I’m just gonna start carrying a dictionary with me and require people I do interviews with to have one as well, so when things happen we can both look up words together to define what is happening.”
I’m so, so very confused by this statement. I can’t tell if he’s saying he and his guests don’t always know what words mean and therefore need dictionaries, or if he and his guests can’t always agree on what words mean and therefore need dictionaries, or if he and his guest will need to find words to describe their mutual experience (which I guess would mean spending hours and hours reading the dictionary until you stumble across an appropriate word you didn’t already know?).
I do, however, hope someone teaches Clown about the Internet sometime real soon, because carrying a dictionary all the time sounds like a real pain in the ass.
“Otherwise we’re just doing very dumb things to each other.”
I never realized dictionaries prevent people from doing dumb things to each other.
“But, uh, I’ve also learned lately by being selfless, working on being selfless.”
Learned what it says in the dictionary?
“Mainly, I am not exiting this world without being the best man, human, that I can be. Me. It’s got nothing to do with anything else, definitely not Slipknot, definitely not my wife or kids, nobody else but me.”
It’s good to have aspirations.
“I’m a human first and foremost.”
Glad we cleared that up.
“And I’m a male.”
Really glad we cleared that up.
“So I am going to work on being the best male human I can be until that day is, whenever that day is, hopefully far from today.”
Pretty sure by “that day” he means the day he dies. Pretty sure.
“So other than that, I’ve learned a lot by listening and watching instead of reacting. I think all of us have seen people not listen, react, and then have to listen later, and not be good with the choices, and not be good with the responsibility of the choices.”
“For example, you’re probably not good with the choice to do this interview,” Clown continued in my imagination.
“And that’s sad. That’s like not being there for a child on the day that that child needs the largest reward given to she or he in order for the rest of their life to be a little less confusing. “
Speaking of confusing…
“A life’s all reward for all of us.”
Maybe he means “life’s a gift for all of us”?
“So it’s weird to me always when other humans say “There’s this thing that happens before you show up.’
“And I’d like to think the reason I went into null and void, the reason I went into [unintelligible], is that I would like to think that I personally don’t create something on purpose that creates a pain or… I like anxiety! Hell, I got anxiety right now. Anxiety’s human. Who the hell doesn’t have anxiety or pressure? If it gets to panic, that’s a different thing. We don’t wanna do that to each other.”
Are we still talking about the child’s reward now or…?
“But what I’m basically saying, to bring it full circle…”
“…is that I hope that this thing that is so… I’m only talking this long about this because, even my manager and I, the word ‘trust’ came up, and I was like, ‘Man, now we’re getting all this human stuff happening, and, you know, I need to be treated human”
Because he’s a human male! Remember?
Alright, now here’s the paragraphy pretty much guaranteed to make your brain leak out of your nose:
“So I like to know that… I do like to know that I cause a little energy and vibration and that maybe people want to take me on or don’t want to take me on or take it seriously or don’t take it seriously, but at least it’s real, either/or. And that’s all I’m talking about, is that I’m basically openly admitting to the universe that I purposely don’t try to bring others any sort of, uh, weird mojo, but I am a strong personality.”
And in conclusion, that is why Clown hates doing his podcast.
You can listen to the entire interview below.