«
»
Laugh At Others' Misfortunes

WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLACK WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR? NERGAL.

 Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 2:30pm by

Behemoth-Nergal321

Full props to our bestest buds at Metal Injection for finding this pretty hilarious story.

So. I guess it’s Vice‘s fifteenth anniversary, and to help celebrate, writer Chris Nieratko dug up a decade old, previously unpublished interview with a certain Behemoth front man. Now, Nieratko played a pretty mean-spirited trick on Nergal – whose first language isn’t English – but that doesn’t negate the fact that the results are fucking funny as hell.

Check out an excerpt:

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
Locked his what?

His keys in his car.
Yes.

Did you hear about that guy?
Sure.

He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Yes, yes. He is very famous in Poland because of this.

Really?
Oh, yes.

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater?
I am not really familiar with that story.

No, They were waiting to see the movie Closed for the Winter.
I did not hear about this. “Closed for the Winter”? No. I’m more into, have you heard of this movie [says crazy long Polish title that even he can’t spell].

Is that like Bladerunner?
No, it’s a Polish movie. Very famous. I though that you might know that one but you do not. It won some awards in Europe and in the US. It’s pretty famous.

But it’s not as good as Closed for the Winter?
I don’t know, I’ve never seen Closed for the Winter.

What happened to the Polish hockey team?
I am not into sports, man.

I heard they all drowned in spring training.
I don’t know. I am not into sports, man. No, not at all. I am into metal. I am a metal-minded metal head.

Do you know any gay Polaks?
Yes, actually one.

Yeah, he sleeps with women right?
Of course. He’s gay.

How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
Oh, they don’t actually.

Yeah they do, I’ll tell you how. They say, “Yellow in the front, brown in the back!”
Now I know because I never use underwears.

Why don’t polish women use vibrators?
Why? I don’t know.

It chips their teeth.
OK. Cool.

And it just goes on and on like this. Now, to Nergal’s credit, he does eventually figure out that he’s being fucked with – and he seems mostly irritated by that fact. And you can’t really blame him – like I said, this is a pretty mean trick.

But you can’t blame for laughing, either.

Read the whole interview here.

-AR

Tags: , ,
  • Shinaain

    I could have sworn you guys referenced this ridiculous interview elsewhere, I just remember when or how.

    And if he doesn’t have a sense of humor, it’s probably because: (1) it was mean, stupid, and not funny, and (2) he probably had better things to do with his time.

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      Agreed. If you watch the evangelion “making of” video logs he jokes around with Seth a bit.

    • cougar party

      Yeah, I don’t think it’s really that funny. He’s done a ton of interviews for various media outlets and it probably gets sort of annoying after awhile even when the interviewer is cool. Having to deal with some jerk that is taking advantage of his lack of understanding of the English language really isn’t the funny. Especially since it’s a bunch of really lame polish jokes. It might have been better if the jokes were actually funny or clever, but their just stupid.

    • alex

      Agreed.

      • CrapMcPoopin

        I also don’t really know if the whole Polack joke thing actually works outside of the US… i think it may just be a colloquial joke… then again… i don’t really know.

        • Shinaain

          @ CrapMcPoopin: Not attacking or chastising you, just trying to give you and others some perspective…

          The whole Polack joke thing doesn’t work ANYWHERE. American use of the term “Polack” is derogatory to begin with (even though it is indeed the Polish word for “a Pole”), and the intent of the jokes is AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN to demean. Their popularity throughout American history doesn’t excuse malicious intent. The term and the jokes associated originally came into popularity in places where assimilated American whites felt threatened by the influx of Easterm European immigration at the end of the 19th Century (particularly in regards to immigrating Polish Jews) and have gained in popularity ever since. This seems to be in spite of the fact that most people don’t even seem to remember why they were supposed to be disparaging Polish people to begin with. Ignorance is NOT bliss – not even if you’re Dave Chappelle. (Nice try, ERiK. And I love you, Dave. Call me.)

          I would imagine the only time “Polack” jokes are funny is when Poles or people who are themselves of Polish descent exchange them amongst themselves and are in on the joke – if even then. Otherwise, it’s the equivalent of non-blacks telling “n*gger” (I can’t even type it, it chafes my ass so bad) jokes to a black person. And anyone who thinks THAT shit is funny is beyond help, anyway.

          Last time I’ll say it and then I’m done: Not fucking funny and the interviewer is a major creep, which shouldn’t come to anyone’s surprise, given his dubious “journalistic pedigree.”

          • DidgeryDo

            So apparently you don’t have a sense of humor either.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason Crispen

    “But you can’t blame for laughing, either.”

    who’s the polack here?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

      I know who the Grammar Nazi is…

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason Crispen

        goddamn right. if you’re gonna put shit on a website, why not proofread it?

        • NoNameNoSlogan

          yeah Axl Rosenberg has sooo many typos in his fucking posts…And I bet he considers himself a writer…..I mean it take all of an extra five seconds.

  • Slaughterhouse

    Thats very dickish!!!!!!!!!!!

  • jason

    I could be wrong, but I think Polack is an inflammatory and derisive term in and of itself.

    • Biff Tannen

      FINALLY, you fuckers publish something FUNNY. I was close to never visiting this hellhole again…but now I will continue to chime in and tell you all how to live your lives.

      …now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Polack jokes to spread around work……

      • jason

        I’m sure you’re manager at taco bell will appreciate that.

        • Biff Tannen

          I am the manager.

      • R. Joseph Smith

        Shouldn’t you be talking an assload of shit about Pantera?

    • http://www.crustcake.com Van D.

      Jason and Biff win today, everybody.

  • pigchop

    hahaha…if an audio version of this exists, it should be released. Funny stuff.

  • FrostMechanic

    Although a dick move, you can’t deny the hilarity that ensues here.

  • Frampler

    That’s not funny. Can’t really see why you’ve bothered to re-publish it.

    • chris

      its fucking hilarious

  • Riek

    I didn’t really find this funny tbh. Interviewer is kind of a douche. Big Brother was a shit magazine.

  • Business Casual

    I do think it was pretty mean-spirited. I got a grin out of a few of them, but mostly found it to be exploitative and sad, really. I could barely get by in England or Australia, let alone Poland. I have nothing but respect for anyone who can even muster the courage to try another language with a native speaker, let alone be thrown to the wolves of an impromptu interview. Nergal is a highly intelligent interview and very cool person… this doesn’t do him justice at all.

    • Shinaain

      This.

  • gnarlk

    vice is run by a bunch of 17 year old coked out dickheads and mamas boys…

  • Ravaged_Existence

    hmm… you’re in a band with tons of potential (talking ten years ago for Behemoth) and someone wants to do an interview with you from another country and you’re all excited, and then it ends up you just get a bunch of insulting jokes aiming to make fun of the fact that you can’t speak a certain language? I’d imagine anybody in any band, becides some jokester in a one man pornogrind project, would be pissed about this. Interesting that Nergel has a degree in histroy, didn’t know that.

    • Shinaain

      I’m given to understand he studied history and Latin, and that he’s also a certified/qualified/something museum curator. Not sure where he managed the time to earn a degree in 20 years of Behemoth’s band history and 9 albums/EPs, but not bad, huh? And the guy who co-writes Behemoth’s lyrics with him is no idiot, either. Every time I read their lyrics, I learn something new.

      • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

        Knowledge of the english language isn’t the same as comprehending the terms and vernacular of Americans.

  • wata

    Immature just like everything on Vice.

  • SourDeez

    It’s kind of funny, but it’s a huge dick move on the interviewer’s part. It’s funny that Nergal doesn’t realize he’s being fucked with, but it’s a dick move to tell someone mean jokes about their people using a language barrier to hide behind like a pussy. If someone foreign used my lack of knowledge of their language to insult Americans to my face I would punch them in the mouth.

  • MSalonen

    That guy is the typical American douchebag. Not funny.

    • Biff Tannen

      I saw no mention of the interviewer liking Pantera…so Im not sure where you are coming from.

  • Biff Tannen

    Polish jokes ARE funny, you nitwits.
    Im quite sure mighty Nergal didn’t cry afterwards, nor is he crying now.
    If you can’t take a joke, fuck you.

    • Biff Tannen

      Besides, they interviewer was insulting Nergal personally….. he was just dishing out polish jokes which became much funnier with Nergals reply to each one. The one about the guys locking his keys in his car and Nergal says “Yes, he is very famous because of this”….. :) thats funny, c’mon you bunch of P.C. motherfuckers.
      Same with the Nazi’s marching into Poland backwards..

      • Biff Tannen

        **wasn’t** ^^ insulting Nergal personally

    • http://fantasyh.wordpress.com fantasyh

      Sure they are. And don’t worry – in Poland we laugh at you too. And it doesn’t even have to be jokes. News is enough.

      • Shinaain

        Valiant effort, Biff, but in comes fantasyh FTW.

      • stu1

        Your people have certainly contributed a lot to the world.

  • Ryan

    i’m pretty sure i remember reading this in Big Brother. I think he did a good one with the scorpions too, until the publicist cut him off and told him the interview was over.

  • Biff Tannen

    So, anyone up for a few Jewish jokes ??

  • o0Stacey0o

    HA!!!!!!! That’s fucking great! Proud to be a Polack. To be honest, since we’re making fun of my people here, I definitely didn’t get the first couple jokes and had to re-read them. True story. Ahh….

  • o0Stacey0o

    Oh, and all of you vegan pussies need to lighten up. Jesus.

    • Kye

      What does veganism have to do with anything?

  • Ericash

    This is the same idiot that just called Lynyrd Skynyrd a STONER band. This is also the same miscreant that reviewed the last Judas Priest album by first saying it had the same old songs (it didn’t since they picked songs that were never on any other live album), and then coping to the fact that he never heard the damn thing. Cool move with Nergal har har, you’re as funny as usual

  • Nate L.

    bahahahahahahahahaahahaha *Crying* hahahahahah

  • Manfred Nuggets

    I laughed my butt off, but it IS mean.

  • Nick

    this intie sounds like it came straight from “The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds”

    • theoppositionmachine

      except that magazine was actually funny…

  • bradican

    this is dildos

  • Hendecahedron

    Hey now, the Polish are funny, just watch Behemoth’s DVD, Crush Fukk Create (I think that’s what it’s called) and their sound tech, Malta, is fucking hilarious.

    That, and the Nightshot filmed sex scenes…

  • http://www.myspace.com/themorbidkiller Joey

    Sure, it was a little funny, but ultimately it was such a douche thing to do. Exploitation. That just isn’t fucking cool man.

  • human#187495

    really….now your trying to make fun of someone who doesnt know our language……you guys suck…… thats just bullshit…fuck you…..are you 8………9,what? wow i really respected this site, but now i just realize your just high school nerds trying to live out your fantasy being metal critics…..seriously fuck you guys, its not funny

  • human#187495

    (00stacey00)………..next time try not to use a south park reference you just heard in a negative comment

  • human#187495

    …and buy the way biff tannen i can take a joke………………………..you, There is no reason that you should start in on pantera in a behemoth interview…………you have to be 15 or so, Probably younger, Because there is no valididity to any of you statements….ever

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/William-Morley/618112437 William Morley

    Well to be honest, taking advantage of someone who obviously doesn’t have a good grasp on the language you are interviewing in just comes across as ignorant. I’m pretty sure Nergal could have sat and took the piss out of this other guy in Polish but what would have been the point? Taking the piss out of him because he can’t understand what hes saying is just fucking dumb.

  • Metrognome

    “I’m not a sports fan” just about killed me. Hilarious stuff, even though the interviewer was a completely unprofessional prick.

  • ERiK

    Looks like Nergal isn’t the only one without a sense of humor. Jesus fucking christ. Hilarious, thanks for posting this. If Davie Chappelle posted this, it would have won awards.

  • Some Random Dude

    damn this made me bored.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Robert-Livingston/25310975 Robert Livingston

    Some of you are so PC, y’all concentrate far too much on how demeaning a term is. *wah wah wah*

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Justin-Ashley/894695456 Justin Ashley

    Pretty lame TBH.
    The guys trying to do his thing and gets to deal with this jackass? Its not even that funny anyways.

  • SolaceInNothing

    I am part polish and I love Behemoth, but man this is the very definition of funny! It takes a real asshole like integrity to have the balls to waste an interview with a guy like Nergal, ha props to him.

  • Benjamin

    Did you hear about the worst airline disaster in the history of Poland?
    A 747 crashed into a graveyard?

    Over 9000 bodies recovered so far.

  • The Ghost of D. Boon

    I wouldn’t be so sure that he didn’t get what the interviewer was doing. A few of his replies early on in the interview seemed to me that he knew exactly what he the asshole interviewer was talking about, and he kind of just took it because, hey no big deal, it’s not like he’s going to keep doing it for the entire fucking interview right? And then he does, and that’s when Nergal gets- rightfully- annoyed at the guy.

    I say give Nergs a bit more credit.

  • Richard

    What’s Nergal suppose to do? Ridicule and demean himself because some White Trash interviewer idiot cleary Hates Polish people?

    Polish Jokes (subhuman intelligence jokes about Polish people) originated from Nazi propaganda since the Nazis felt the Polish had subhuman intelligence. They were then imported into the US in the 1960′s by anti-Polish Bigots at NBC-TV and Hollywood.

    If I was Nergal I would have kicked that Anti-Polish interviewer’s teeth in.