Barbarous Book Club

Fiver Finger Death Punch Drummer Prepares His Nobel Prize for Literature Acceptance Speech

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During a recent interview, Five Finger Death Punch drummer Jeremy Spencer revealed that he has written an autobiography, entitled Deathpunched: Cheers to Sobriety:

“That’s how I hooked up with Ron Jeremy; I wanted him on the book cover with me. And the story behind that is… Obviously, being in a rock band, you dabble in the party lifestyle from time to time. So after years of that catching up to me, I got sober. But we always used to have this saying about doing cocaine, like you would get so cranked on sexually in your brain when you do it — like, everything is exciting — but then you get numbed out beneath the belt line area. So we always said, ‘Man, you feel like Ron Jeremy from the neck up and Christopher Reeve from the neck down. So the cover of the book is me in, like, a Superman kind of costume in a wheelchair cheersing a martini glass with Ron Jeremy and two hot chicks. So that’s the cover of my book.”

Some thoughts about this:

  • It’s quite an assumption that there are people interested in reading Spencer’s autobiography. He’s not exactly Tommy Lee.
  • It’s quite an assumption that any people who are interested in reading Spencer’s autobiography can read.
  • No one who hasn’t read this statement is going to understand what the fuck is going on on the cover. Seriously, think about that image: it’s going to be the weirdest goddamn thing ever.
  • Some people may purchase the book after accidentally assuming it’s about Ron Jeremy.
  • Instead of saying that cocaine makes you feel like a quadriplegic celebrity from the waist-down, why not just say that it makes you feel like a paraplegic celebrity (say, Larry Flynt)? Because paraplegics are quadriplegics from the waist-down only. See that “quad” prefix? That means “four.” As in, “all four limbs.” I mention it because not only is it common sense, but —
  • Quadriplegics don’t do much cheersing, given that they don’t have use of their arms.
  • Also, “cheersing” isn’t a word.

Jeremy Spencer’s Guhd wif Werdz should be out later this year.

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