Friday 5

Friday 5: Heavy Montreal Heaven

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome back to MetalSucks Friday 5, our new series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the list of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of the five best/worst/weirdest/whatever somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors (or by one of our buds like you?). Then our cherished readers check it out, have a chuckle, then chime in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. This week, we’re headed to Canada all tucked away down there.

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THE FIVE

The Five Secret Ways To Have An Awesome Time At A Metal Fest Wknd

THE LISTER

Anso DF, MetalSucks Senior Editor

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hotel bed

1. Spend the previous night nearby and naked  
Location: Probably a bar, cafe, or restaurant near-ish to your hotel; then your hotel

This weekend is Heavy Montreal, an awesome wknd fest headlined this year by Slayer and Metallica, and co-starring Anthrax, Overkill, Babymetal, Voivod, Municipal Waste, Voivod, Whitechapel, Protest The Hero, Cynic, Voivod, and Lamb Of God. So ready we must be to jam! But few are fully in the mood to jam right after a boring morning commute — so arrive in town the night before! Dump your belongings in a hotel room, have a shower, then head off to an eatery/drinkery where unknowns like you and your brah(s) can encounter other horny tourists. (Lunge at a local if you must, but that’ll prob be harder.) I’ll share discovery of any target-rich zones on twitter.

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fat guy fries

2. Snacks
Location: Festival food vendors

Disregard the notion that a “big breakfast” will power you through all-afternoon jamming to dinner. You’ll be half-asleep in an hour and only roused by your body’s demand to shit hugely. Instead, snack a bit all day on junk food and fruit. And drink too: Meet me over by the smoothies at 3 pm, 6 pm, and 9 pm lol :)

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blackmetalfunnyphoto5

3. Jam your own way
Location: Big stages, small stages, by the river, in Municipal Waste’s trailer

Band dudes on stage are forever ordering the crowd to shout this, put their hands up here, and mosh their nuts off presently. That’s annoying, for while some concertgoers’ enjoyment comes from raging, others have purchased the right to just hang out listening, following their thoughts, and kinda staring vaguely toward the band. Each style is great, of course. But if you are one of the latter, you must find some other way to power up the band. Shout encouragement, smile beatifically, give them thumbs up, express yourself weirdly (above), vomit down the front of your own shirt — anything to make the band feel a connection with you as strongly as if they would if you were ramming into other dudes like it cures herpes. They’ll play better for it!

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smoking pot in the woods

4. Smoke pot in the woods
Location: In the woods between the small stage zone and the big stages,

Don’t get anybody in trouble.  

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chicks hugging

5. Be cool to everybody
Location: everywhere

Every hour a festgoer encounters, what, a thousand people? So be the dude that you’d want to see there: a friendly, loose, semi-considerate party bud. Dispense “hey”s and smiles with no hesitation. Cheer when something funny happens. Tip people, share stuff, keep an eye peeled for imminent pass-outs. You are partly responsible for the vibe over two long days. So stoke your peers and servants — not just your bands! 

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Your turn! Have an awesome wknd!

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