[Like my colleague Vince Neilstein, I too feel compelled to share with you, the readers, some "under-appreciated gems" that deserve your attention and consideration for your personal "Best of 2010" lists. Some of these may have suffered from lack of promotion, or simply may have gotten lost in the shuffle amid higher profile releases. Hopefully this informal series will help rectify that -- and not give too much away in advance of the publications of the staff lists on December 16.]

Pantera, much like their cultural forebears The Beatles, assuredly will never reunite. Even if we could discount the untimely, cataclysmic death of “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott in 2004 at the hands of a mentally disturbed assassin whose very name doesn’t deserve repeating, the fractures that resulted in the band’s dissolution have only deepened with time, categorized by seemingly endlessly feuding between factions of the surviving members and their surrogates. This year’s expanded 20th anniversary reissue of Cowboys From Hell – coincidentally timed with a boxed reissue of John Lennon’s solo discography — provides a view of what we can expect as Pantera’s legacy matures and amplifies, namely that music industry machinery will take advantage of contractual opportunities while the estranged and quarreling factions collect deserved checks and dangle demos, live versions, and previously unreleased “vault tracks” (such as “The Will to Survive”) to disproportionately feed our insatiable hunger for more.

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The Bloody Tour of Horror rocks on! City after city fall in flaming ruin as GWAR marches on, our zombie horde growing in power and fury with each passing day. But even as we slay on a global scale I, Oderus Urungus, make the time to answer your idiotic questions, whether they be of cosmic import or complete crap-ola, and always with the typically evasive and insulting aplomb you have come to expect from me. Remember, Bloody Pit of Horror is out Nov. 9, and every album sold is another hit off the old glass dick for Uncle Odie… yes, that’s right, it actually states in my contract that I get paid in crack. And speaking of crack, we will be doing another Crack-a-Thon next year! Check gwar.tv for all kinds of shit. Now — on to your entreaties, human filth!

If you choke a smurf what color does it turn? I would find out myself but for the life of me I can’t find one of the little blue bastards. — Big P

Well, that depends on what kind of Smurf you are talking about. If you are talking about those little dwarf-like animated shit-fucks, I am sorry to tell you that they are indeed just that — animated. They don’t exist, so you can’t strangle them. You’d have more success strangling your own penis, if you possess one, or can get someone to lend you theirs.

If, however, indeed, you are talking about that peculiar species of human that serves as the collector for blister packs of cough medicine that the local “Papa Smurf” uses to cook into crystal meth, I can assure you, from personal experience, that they go just as blue as any other human.

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It used to be that if you wanted to know what you should buy, you would see what famous people liked, and buy whatever they said was cool — like how I originally got into Suicide Silence after I heard Demi Lovato talking about them. But now there is another way to find out what you should buy: shopping haul videos. A haul video is where someone goes shopping, then makes a YouTube video where they tell you about all the stuff that they bought. Usually they are really long, and made by young girls who like to talk about themselves. I don’t have a video camera, so I can’t make a video, but I thought it might be cool for you to see some of the stuff I bought at Hot Topic the other day in case you are thinking about doing any shopping and and wondering what is cool right now.

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Me BIG PIMPIN with a couple of my biatches at school lol, not everybody who listens to metal is a nerd!

Hey guys what’s up, thanks to Axle and Vince from Metal Sucks (link to their site) for letting me introduce myself to you guys!  I am a Junior in High School at Canyon Ridge High in Hesperia California, and pretty much just getting into metal. My uncle introduced me to these psyhcos of metal, he was in “Axle”s wedding (Axel isn’t his real name haha but I’m not telling you what his real name is you will have to find out!) and he has always been into metal, so I guess it runs in the family that we like Metal! I have been listening to metal of all kinds for like a year and a half now but I know there are a lot of bands I should check out but don’t know about and wanted to ask you guys for some ideas about what bands you think I should check out. I know you all are the experts lol!

BTW I only have dial-up 56K internet so I can’t use MySpace, Youtube, or BitTorrid or any of that so if you can just tell me stuff to buy that is what I’m looking for. My town doesn’t have a Hot Topics but they have a lot of stuff at Walmart so anything they have there they should also have at Walmart.

I like pretty much anything that is cool and heavy, so if there is anything you guys think I should check out just let me know (you can send an email to the comments and I will see it when I look at this), here is what metal bands I already like:

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I admit, Texas Hippie Coalition’s “Pissed Off and Mad About It” is pretty darn simple and honestly not all that interesting, and ultimately I agree with Axl that it’s pretty bad. But there’s something rather endearing about these fellas in their approach to their music. Like, you know there’s absolutely no pretense involved here; these guys are exactly who they say are in all their redneck glory. Sure, their music is starkly plain, the singer comes off as a bit of yarler and ultimately they’re kind of a watered down Hellyeah (who themselves are a watered down version of someone else) but there’s something that strikes me as just more honest about these guys, and they don’t rub me the wrong way the way Hellyeah do. And that singer; I just wanna give that guy a big hug!

Is that Tuvan throat singing around the 2:18 mark? The Blogronaut would be proud.

Watch the recently re-filmed video above courtesy of Noisecreep.

-VN

Since Axl and I are very patriotic types (couldn’t you tell?) we’ve decide to close the Mansion a bit early this holiday weekend so we can get to the flag-waving festivities as soon as possible.

Kidding! We’re closing early so we can get hiiiiigh and then go see FAITH NO FUCKING MORE! Neither one of us having seen FNM before (although I had a chance to in 1997 and, for some reason, didn’t), we’ve literally been waiting for this moment for most of our lives. We will not be schmoozing with the industry types at a bar in the back, nor will we be politely bobbing our heads on the periphery somewhere… we’ll be right up fucking front, rocking the fuck out as hard as possible (old fashioned push-pit? I hope). To that end, I’m pretty sure we won’t even be drinking tonight; me because I want to remember this night perfectly, and Axl because he doesn’t wanna have to go pee-pee during the show. The man is smart, I tell you.

Here’s what happened this week in the world of metal:

• Van Halen announced plans for a DLR-fronted album in early 2011. Axl is — shockingly — skeptical.
• As part of “Be Nice Day” at the MS Mansion, we said nothing mean about new videos from Hellyeah and Papa Roach.
• We looked at new releases by Bonded by Blood (as part of “Be Nice Day”!), Ceremony and The Ghost Inside, Mastodon, Chambers, and Nattsol.
• We premiered a new track by NJ progressive post-hardcore mind-fuckers East of the Wall.
• We spoke with Warrel Dane of Nevermore and Sanctuary, and Jon Fine about Taco Riffs.
• We sat in on the meeting in which Disturbed brainstormed the artwork for their new album.
• Glenn Danzig is a crappy driver, but Vince Neil is an even crappier one.

Since July 4th falls on a Sunday this year, the gates of the Mansion will be shuttered on Monday, July 5th — like most U.S. businesses — so we can extend the partying by an extra day. See you Tuesday, Suckers.

-VN

Especially if you used it to pick up hot chicks hitchhiking in bikini tops. I mean, eventually you’d get arrested and/or shot, but up until then, I think it would be a lot of a fun! It looks like they’re having fun at that cook-out, too. We had a cook-out last week. It was fun! We didn’t steal any cops cars, but it’s New York City — unattended cop cars are not a common thing, y’know?

Vinnie Paul was in Pantera!!!

-AR

…then mazel tov, ’cause you outlasted me. And I even snorted some coke and tried to think of my grandma naked to dull the sensation, but, nope – absolutely nothing was able to prevent me from feeling like I wanted to hop in a pick-up truck, drink beer, have more children than I can reasonably afford to support, vote for people who don’t have my best interests at heart, and be all pissy about how this ain’t the America I grew up in, and it ain’t the America my daddy grew up in, either. And that’s not a good feeling. Especially since my daddy ain’t from here in the first place.

-AR

UPDATE: The actual line-up and dates for this tour after the jump. Still pretty awful. Original story below.

At some point, aren’t all these big package tours just gonna cannibalize one another? It seems like they’re all either competing for the same audience, or at least for a portion of the same audience. And now Metal Insider tells me that there’s gonna be another one, which, like Mayhem, will be sponsored by Rockstar Energy Drink: Uproar.

Gotta love the dudes whose job it is to sit around and think of new names for these things.

Click to read more…

Earlier this week we got to hang out with Nevermore’s Jeff Loomis at Duff’s bar in Brooklyn; that same night, Hellyeah were throwing their post-show party at that very bar. Reader “GoingDeaf?” said in the comments section, “I hope it’s not too awkward tonight considering you guys shit on Hell Yeah in a posting the other day…. :)” Which is fair enough.

But like I said, Hellyeah were gonna be there for a post-show after-party, and so by the time I’d left the bar – which, admittedly, was a little on the earlier side, as I was fighting a cold – Hellyeah still hadn’t shown up. What would I have done if they had? I have no idea. I have no reason to believe that any of the band’s members read this site – in fact, I’m always surprised when I find out that a well-known musician reads MetalSucks, whether it’s someone I admire (Devin Townsend) or, um, do not especially admire (hey, Dino). We’ve always said that no one should feel offended by anything we write on MetalSucks except for Fred Durst, because we’re really just having fun, what we say shouldn’t actually have any effect on how a musician handles his or her art, and you should have more important things on your mind anyway. But if it had turned out that Vinnie Paul does read MetalSucks, knows who I am, and hates me, well, I guess I couldn’t really blame him.

Which brings me to my next point: Vince and I had a conversation that very evening in which he posited that the members of Hellyeah are not insincere in their love of redneck rock. (He wasn’t defending their music, by the way – he was just making a point. As far as I can tell, Vince doesn’t like Hellyeah any more than I do.) And if you read my criticisms of the band, I never actually questioned their musical sincerity; I just think they suck. Obviously a lot of people really enjoy songs like “Alcohaulin’ Ass,” but I’m not one of them, and I want nothing to do with it. Maybe it’s ’cause I never slept with my daddy’s sister in the back of a pick-up truck, I dunno.

And on that note, here’s the cover art for Hellyeah’s new album, Stampede, which comes out July 13. If you enjoy this band more than I do, well, good for you!

-AR

Hey MetalSucks Maniacs,

We know this is crazy last-minute, but guess who just arrived in NYC? None other than Nevermore guitar god JEFF FUCKING LOOMIS! And because Vince and I have a ridiculously surreal life, we’ve been tasked with taking him out and showing him a good time.

So we’re hitting up New York’s last great metal bar, Duff’s, tonight around 9 pm. The address is 168 Marcy Avenue; here’s a map, and the J/M/Z trains stop right nearby. If you’re around and you have nothing better to do (and fuck work/studying/etc.; IT’S JEFF FUCKING LOOMIS, people), come out and get drunk with us! As it turns out the dudes from Hellyeah are in town and are gonna be partying there, too. How often do you get a chance to stand in a room with JEFF FUCKING LOOMIS and VINNIE FUCKING PAUL?!?! Not very often.

See ya there…

-AR

That’s how long it was before I heard a reference to the Black Tooth Grin, a drink which – in case ya somehow don’t know – was favored (and I believe created) by Dimebag.

I’m (obviously) all for commemorating Dimebag and celebrating his legacy when it’s appropriate. But why does it feel like Vinnie Paul constantly needs to remind us who his brother was? Does anyone in Hellyeah really think we’d forgotten? Maybe I’m not being fair, but this feels exploitative to me. It’s as though the band were aware that no one would care about them if they weren’t Vinnie’s first serious post-Dime project.

Also, the song, entitled “Cowboy Way” sucks as bad as the movie of the same title. That’s not surprising, but just in case you thought this band had maybe gotten better since their first album… the answer is apparently “Nope, they still make shitty music.”

You can listen to the song, below or, if you’re really so inclined, download it for free here.

-AR

I saw this band, Texas Hippo Coaltion Texas Hippie Coalition, on Bring Back Glam. And not to deride the tastes of the lovely Allyson B. Crawford, but wow, does this band ever suck.

Watch the below video, for a song called “Leaving,” and ponder why this disgusting, slutty, but nonetheless probably appealing to the Tigers and Jessies of the world woman would ever let Jabba the Hutt flop around around top of her. Here was my general thought process regarding that conundrum:

1. Is she a hooker? She definitely seems to either be a stripper or to be harboring fantasies of being a stripper, but if there’s one thing The City of New York has taught me, it’s that strippers and hookers are not always the same thing.
2. Is he rich? His home and wardrobe do not suggest that this is the case.
3. Is he really funny? This video is hilarious, but not intentionally so.
4. So either she hates herself, or he has the best personality ever. He must just have the best personality ever, right?
5. Would the guy with the best personality ever write the lyric “When she is bathing/She thinks about me/When she’s masturbating/She thinks about me?”
6. She must really, really hate herself.

If you go to Bring Back Glam, you can also watch a video for a song called “Pissed Off and Mad About It,” which is apparently competing for The Hellyeah “Alcohaulin’ Ass” Stupidest-Song-Title-Ever-Even-By-Dumb-Redneck-Standards Award. The song is just as amusing as “Leaving,” although the video is not.

-AR

Of course not every band can be a Pantera or Down, but I’d argue that out of any member of Pantera, one Mr. Rex Brown has the best track record for non-Panteric projects. He wasn’t in Damageplan, a mediocre band we all pretend didn’t exist in the name of not doing any harm to Dime’s legacy; he’s obviously not in Hellyeah, who I still can’t quite believe are a real band and not some elaborate prank; Pantera and Down are only ones of Phil Anselmo’s 1,384 bands that Brown was in. Yeah, Rebel Meets Rebel was way too redneck for this Noo Yawk Jew, but at least they didn’t have a song called “Alcohaulin’ Ass.” So three cheers of Rex.

Of course, now Rex has another new band, Arms of the Sun, so I guess it’s possible he’s about to fuck-up his batting average. The three songs on AOTS’ MySpace page really generic bar-band stuff that sounds like it might have been cat nip for the guy who signed Candlebox fifteen years ago, but again. “Alcohaulin’ fucking Ass.” So Rex gets to keep his title belt… for now.

Check out Arms of the Sun here, then tell me why I’m being too hard on Damageplan/RMR/Hellyeah/Superjoint Ritual/whatever in the comments section.

-AR

After the horrific murder of his brother, no one would have faulted Pantera/Damageplan drummer Vinnie Paul for dropping off the face of the Earth. But instead, the man chose to soldier on, starting his own record company, Big Vin Records, and resuming his drumming duties for boozy groove metallers Hellyeah. The former has signed Type O Negative side project Seventh Void and released the successful Dimebag Darrell tribute DVD Dimevision; the latter’s toured the globe in support of their debut album, with plans to record and tour again in the near future. A relentlessly positive guy who sounds a little like the metal version of King of the Hill’s Boomhauer, Vinnie seems content with the past and satisfied with the present (upon hearing that I was conducting the interview from Massachusetts after I shut my tape recorder off, he gave his thoughts on the Boston Bruins’ then-upcoming playoff game with Montreal Canadiens and stated that his dream Superbowl would be between the Cowboys and the Patriots, if it were possible). In his inteview with MetalSucks, he gives his thoughts on the upcoming 20th anniversary of Cowboys from Hell, running a record label, and the future of Hellyeah.

Click to read more…

I can’t believe that there’s going to be a new Hellyeah album. I honestly thought we’d be rid of this insipid band after one phoned-in cash-in. I guess I don’t have any real reason to be too upset though, as not only will I never ever never listen to this record, but I honestly don’t know anyone else who ever will either.

In any case, here are some things I’d rather hear than new “music” from Hellyeah:

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But hurry up, because you’ve only got 8 days left to bid. [via The Deciblog]

So while it was rumored for awhile that this year’s edition of Ozzfest would be a two day event – but it has now been announced that it’ll be just one single day, on Saturday, August 9, at at Pizza Hut Park* in Dallas, Texas. The line-up will be as follows:

Main Stage
OZZY OSBOURNE
METALLICA
SERJ TANKIAN
HELLYEAH
JONATHAN DAVIS
CAVALERA CONSPIRACY
SHADOWS FALL
APOCALYPTICA
IN THIS MOMENT
All-Star Tribute To “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott

Second Stage
SEVENDUST
DEVILDRIVER
KINGDOM OF SORROW
SOILENT GREEN
WITCHCRAFT
GOATWHORE

Texas (Third) Stage
THE SWORD
DROWNING POOL
RIGOR MORTIS

Actually, that is, by no means, a terrible line-up; if the stages are staggered at all (and I imagine they will be), it would be plenty easy to keep oneself occupied during sets from In This Moment, Jonathan Davis, and HellNo. And I guess it’s honorable of Metallica to let Ozzy play last, even though, at this point, a) they’re much bigger than Ozzy and b) Ozzy has to be in bed by 8 pm. I mean, if I was Ozzy, and I’d spent recent Ozzfests getting blown off the stage by the likes of Maiden and Priest, I certainly wouldn’t wanna follow Metallica. But, y’know, nice of Ulrich and Hetfield to step aside for one night and let the Ozzman cometh.

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Decibot, nu metal’s most revered critical mind, posted this Five Finger Death Punch pie chart (“graphical analysis”) on The Deciblog this morning:

Thank you, Decibot, for continuing to make my life worth living.

Check out Decibot’s review of P.O.D.’s Testify here and excerpts from Decibot’s review of Hellyeah here.

-AR