Horse the Band - Erik Engstrom[For the next several weeks, HORSE the band keyboardist Erik Engstrom will be posting exclusive tour blogs from the road here at MetalSucks. Erik is quite the witty gentlemen, and has some, um, interesting things to say about life on the road. We hope you enjoy his writing as much as we do. Be sure to check out HORSE the band on MySpace, and catch them on their North American tour which runs through the end of November.]

This week I realized something important. It is that if someone thinks you are gay, and may be thinking about killing you, you tell them you are in a metal band. You will immediately have a reversal of fortune in your life, even if at the time you are wearing LEI jeans, eyeliner, have straightened your hair every day for the last 3 years, and were thinking about fucking a little boy in the van a few minutes beforehand and are carrying HIV. In fact, the person who was thinking about killing you (usually a cop or a big white dude in Texas or Wyoming) will now maybe even hug you or shake your hand, make inside jokes about smokin’ Js and tell you about his buddy’s band, TreaZen. None of this matters. What matters is that they are wrong and should still try to kill you.

There is nothing more gay than metal. If you took a random segment of males from the population, the ones who identified themselves with “metal” would A. get laid least B. masturbate most (actually make that least) C. live with their parents most D. play the most Halo exclusively with other dudes E. wear questionable clothing like fucking leather and metal straps (bondage) on their arms F. probably have not even had interaction with another female for months besides things like Taco Bell drive-thru. Don’t even ask what would happen if you looked at the cross-section of females into metal. We all know not to touch that.

Anyway, metal stars who do get laid look exactly like ugly, ugly girls and hook up with intensely face-melted holes-with-legs who are old and were trying to go to a different show anyway (I have toured with Dragonforce). For the typical metal band this happens 2-3 times per 2 month tour (I have toured with Dragonforce). Anyway, that is still just a form of lesbianism, which is still gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. Being into metal is like being into (and showing everyone how much you love) Dragonball Z in high school. You think it is the coolest thing you could do, cause the show is FUCKING AWESOME RIGHT?, but then, no, 15 years later you realize you were a total fag. Oops. OK. It doesn’t matter. Next week I will be back to tell you why death metal drummers are pussies who should not be respected and why metal blogging is important.

– Erik Engstrom

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