Editorials

5 TIPS FOR OZZY TO RECORD A GOOD ALBUM AGAIN

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So Ozzy is apparently gonna make another record… and it seems like just yesterday that I listened to Black Rain once and decided I never needed to listen to it again. Since the Oz Man hasn’t really recorded anything worth anyone’s time since 1991’s No More Tears, I thought I’d offer my expertise (read: complete fucking arrogance) and make some suggestions to ensure that this new album doesn’t make me long for the day when I read the headline that Jack Osbourne finally offed his entire family.

  1. FIRE ZAKK WYLDE. I’ve made this suggestion before, and I know it’s a controversial one; Zakk is, undeniably, the best guitar player Ozzy has worked with since Randy Rhodes’ untimely passing. And at his best, Zakk is a brilliant, brilliant guitar player. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, Zakk seems to have decided that he needs to release every semi-coherent riff that pops into his beer-soaked brain. If Zakk can’t or isn’t willing to work his ass off like he was 19 again, step up to the plate, and knock one out of the park, it’s time to explore other options. Ozzy could comb the known world looking for the next Zakk Wylde – lest we forget, Zakk was just some unknown teenager when Ozzy originally discovered him – or, if that’s too risky, I’m sure there’s only about 18 trillion famous axe masters (How about Jerry Cantrell? Pepper Keenan? Ozzy’s already got one former member of Faith No More in his ranks – maybe he can steal Jim Martin away from his pumpkin farm? I know Ozzy almost hired Buckethead a few years back) who would be willing to give the job their best shot.
  2. DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE A VARIETY OF GUEST SONGWRITERS… Following the line of reasoning above, every metal musician in the world owes a debt to Ozzy. It may sound cheesy, but why not call in the favors and do something Santana-style? If you can find ten awesome dudes to each write you one awesome song, you’re all set.
  3. …BUT DON’T JUST FOLLOW TRENDS. Those guest songwriters should not include any members of The Offspring, thank you very much. Write a good album, and the fans will come along for the ride – I guarantee it. No need to chase rock radio trends.
  4. FIND THE RIGHT PRODUCER. I know that seems fairly obvious, but it didn’t stop Ozzy from hiring Tim Palmer and Kevin Churko. Here’s a hint, Oz: if your producer’s most famous credit up ’til now is doing programming for Britney Spears or editing for Celine Dion, you’re just chasing trends and wasting time. There are literally dozens of good producers out there who know how to make an album with an edge, and surely, you can’t have any shortage of cash – for the love of Satan, just hire someone with some metal cred to steer your ship for you.
  5. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST RETIRE ALREADY. The best way to make sure you don’t tarnish your legacy any further? Just tell Sharon you’re done and call it day. Trust me, most of us will be grateful.

-AR

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