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BUTCH LESBIAN QUITS ATTACK ATTACK!; FUTURE OF CRABCORE IN QUESTION?

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Yesterday, October 19th, 2009 – a date which will live in infamy – Nick Barham, Rosie O’Donnell look-alike and lead vocalist for Attack Attack!, suddenly and deliberately quit the band. And only mere days before the group was scheduled to begin a tour with another one of the 21st century’s most groundbreaking musical acts, I Set My Friends On Fire.

There is terrible news, to be sure; indeed, I am having a hard time typing this through my tears. It feels like the days Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Stanley Kubrick, Norman Mailer, and Jesus Christ died, all rolled into one. It is a true, true tragedy.

When reached for comment, Barham said, “Like, what do you mean?”

But rest assured: Attack Attack! will persevere, as guitarist Johnny Franck and keyboardist Caleb Shomo will handle vocal duties for the time being.

(HOLY SHIT, THE KEYBOARD PLAYER IN ATTACK ATTACK! IS NAMED SHOMO?!?!?!?!? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!?!? AND HAS NO ONE INTRODUCED HIM TO THE CONCEPT OF A STAGE NAME???)

While grief counselors are working overtime to man suicide hotlines and help the bereaved through this truly grievous occassion, Noisecreep reports that Barham has promised fans that “I will be starting something new soon.”

So maybe you wanna skip the grief counseling and just off yourself before Nick makes good on her threat.

-AR

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