Hipsters Out Of Metal!

I WAS MADE FOR LOATHING KISS, BABY

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I don’t want to jinx it, but lately it seems that society is drawing closer to a public consensus that Kiss sucks donkey ass. There’s a social parallel: Time is disposing of the fearful kooks who oppose gays/non-whites/drugs/Nergal, and as a result the day is in sight when we’ll all be cool/high with each other while enjoying scarier Behemoth records. Likewise, the time will come where no Kiss fans will walk the earth puking money into the wallet of Gene Simmons for no other privilege than to perpetuate a shitty band’s shitty brand. And really, thank you, poor deluded children of ’70s disco-rock crossover, for proudly snapping up those Kiss shirts, thongs, enemas, pizza pans, and diapers; the rest of us can identify/destroy you with none of the effort it takes to flush out a fan of, say, The Scorpions or Bullshit For ValKilmerTime (or whatever).

It’s amazing that such a charmless, joyless band could enjoy such sustained suck-cess. Cuz sane people will tell you that those Kiss records don’t even achieve the absolute bare minimum of being performed, produced, or mixed well — whether or not their cynically manufactured songs themselves are any good. (Save for the delightfully retarded “Heaven’s On Fire” and actual scores like “I Love It Loud” and “Detroit Rock City,” the entire catalog could be catapulted into the sun.) Only Earth’s most resentful and contemptuous dickfaces could charge money for such sub-garbage product. I mean, shit, I gobble Tums in the lobby of Jack In The Box, knowing that tonight’s pre-dinner will tax the capacities of my crap factory; but for my money I am certain to receive burger-shaped food. If Simmons ran that dump, you’d order and then be handed a blurry picture of a barf puddle photocopied onto a dryer sheet.

(At this point, I’d like to state that this is just y’know my perception. And these views are restricted to Kiss the band, not all the awesome people I know who work for Kiss. E.g. Eric Singer is a god on the first Badlands record. Further, my opinions aren’t exactly trustworthy; I have favorite albums that rival Kiss for Hall of Fail honors. Ever heard of October Project? Yeah. Whoa.)

Aaaaaaaanyway, a while back onetime Dream Theater keyboardist Derek Smalls Sherinian discussed his former occupation as Paul Stanley’s off-stage live support. The first thing I thought was how it was fortunate that Sherinian moved on to Dream Theater from that nightmare gig clomping down power chords whenever Lord Gaychest stopped playing his guitar. That implies that Sherinian had to like stare at Stanley for three hours with both hands hovering over the keyboard should Stanley need to fluff his wafro or engage in various mincing. Then I figured that likely it was not good fortune that freed Sherinian, but rather the decision to fill in Stanley’s guitar parts with a recording. Those things don’t even get scale.

By now you’re asking ‘Anso, you mega-hunk, what does Kiss sound like without the help of guys like Sherinian and reviled song doctor Desmond Child-toucher?’ Well buddy just feast your ears on this Metal Sucks Exclusive unmastered 1979 Kiss track (above) that captures the ahem band in their raw, unvarnished form. The clip represents an instant in time after basic tracks for their abominable single “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” were completed but before their meth-deafened production team commenced the battle against science to make the song listenable. Science won. We all lose.

— ADF

Anso DF is a former music journalist who discovered last week that Vince Neilstein is impervious to roofies. Damn.

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