Ask Oderus

ASK ODERUS: ON LORDI, ANALLY CHAINSAWED JEWS, KILLING PERRY FARRELL, AND MOTHERF*CKING APE-RAPE

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Gwar‘s new album, Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror, is scheduled to be released later this year on Metal Blade. While you wait patiently like the stinking dog that you are, here’s Oderus Urungus, the greatest singer in the history of what this putrid, worthless planet calls “metal,” to answer all your ridiculous questions…

Why are you my mom? – EJ666

I thought everybody had heard the story at least 40,000 times, but then again it is a good one…When we arrived on Earth, we were forced to fuck apes — well, more like we forced them to fuck us. Yes, we raped the apes, it was motherfucking ape-rape. The human race sprang from that filthy union and so on and so forth. Really, I was pretty disappointed when I saw what the union had created, I was hoping for some kind of GWAR SUPER-APE, instead we got you tail-less freaks…that’s why I’m your mom, because I am your mom! Or at least your dad, your mom and dad at the same time. And I will be expecting at least a card on my birthday!

Will chronic masturbation impede my guitar playing? Or vice versa. – Mark Robertson

I think masturbation is a great help in the playing of the guitar. The WHACKING-off ritual requires rhythmn and speed, and perfect placement of pressure, the very same qualities that are needed to excel on guitar. My experience has taught me to masturbate furiously and frequently for any number of reasons, but one of the biggest being it makes you a better guitar player, and since I really suck at guitar, I need a lot of practice! In fact, I haven’t played a guitar in years, yet I KNOW that my skill and work ethic has made me a much better guitar player. Because really, all I have done is crank out loads. I mean can you think of anybody who gets more nut than me? I mean, I lay it down EXXON VALDEZ style, ya know, BP got nothing on me, I’m a walking cum-slick! So whack it, whack it hard and whack it long! And when you come think about mom!

If I handed you a sawed off and told you to go kill any 3 bands/artists of your choosing who would it be and why? – Moltanic

First off, I would ram that shotgun up your ass and then pull the trigger. Once your brains were sliding down the wall I would fuck the hole where your head used to be. Then, and only then, will I answer your question. Ok, we did that.

Second off ,who the fuck do you think you are telling me to kill? I know I have to kill! And you know I want to kill! So let’s not waste any more time fucking around with telling me to kill people… I know, I know!

Actually ,the problem is that the guys think I spend too much time filling up jacuzzis with my salty love juice. But I believe there was a question around here somewhere… oh, there it is.
1) I would kill Yoko Ono
2) I would kill Terrell Owens
3) I would kill Sharon Osborne

I think we actually killed Sharon Osborne already but somehow she grew back! So I am gonna kill Perry Farrell. He sucks!

Why do Waffle houses, & 24 hour/365 day a year business’s have locks on there doors? – AAAAAHHHHHHH

Finally, a good question! Well, never let it be said that I DON’T go the extra yard to provide answers for you guys! I spoke to a Miss Betty Fizzbin, Regional Manager for the South East Waffle Kingdom (IN FRANCE):

“We have a system where the swing manager can gauge the business flow and then actually shut the facility down for a one hour period, once every 24 hours, when he or she deems it appropriate. During this period the staff completely cleans and re-stocks the facility.”

She also confirmed that the franchises claim of being open 24-7 was in fact “a lie…”

At this point I RAMMED my dagger in her eye and then proceeded to fuck her skull until the whole head broke free of the shoulders. After that, I spent a few moments rutting around in her entrails like a wild pig.

Good Question, AAAAAHHHHH.

How can I get my woman over her fear of deepthroating? – Tanner Westhomas

Why would you want to have her get over it? Fear always adds spice to sex. I would be busy thinking of new ways to make her afraid! If she truly is “your woman,” then she should have no choice but to submit to your relentless sexual pressure — indeed, the discomfort and pain she feels should bring you all the more pleasure… Unless there is something wrong with you! And don’t listen to her cries for mercy, because she doesn’t really want it! She enjoys the pain and humiliation, the squatting, chained, in a puddle of urine, waiting for you to get home from work, and give her the facial attention that will result in her only meal of the day!

Did Anal Chainsaw really “chainsaw, anally, all of the Jews?” like you said – Altered Bestiality

I don’t know this Anal Chainsaw fellow, though it does sound like a cousin of mine. As far as anally chainsawed Jews go, well, I have a lot of Jewish friends, and not one of them has told me about anything like that, and I think I would know — after all, I sponsor the Mossad/Hammas Sack Race every year.

Man, the punctuation in these questions is terrible! Did they stop teaching you people to write? What are you, a nation of morons?

I wish you people would ask me something cool, like what is the capitol of Peru or where Osama Bin Laden is (Falcon hunting with Dick Cheny in Iran). This is shit and I’m getting horny.

Wanna come over and throw meatloaf at each other??? – Chris Herd

No, Chris, you know what happened last time, despite googling you repeatedly I couldn’t even find your house until way after the keg had been tapped. I mean, I put in ten bucks on that fucking keg and you and Joey’s asshole friends drank the whole fucking thing. I don’t fucking believe for a minute that your phone didn’t have reception, you call me all the time from your house. Yeah, it’s no problem hooking up when you are selling me coke or borrowing money but ,when I fucking need you, you are fucking hanging around with fucking Joey!

Why does Lordi suck more balls than a gay porn star??? – Chrisss

It’s hard to understand why Lordi sucks so hard… there are so many reasons… First of all, he just blows. I mean, he looks like a watered down version of me, with his little half-assed horns. Second off all, he is a half-wit, if you have ever read his interviews you know what I mean. Third, he is a coward — I have called upon him to go on tour with us and fight me nightly, and my entreaties have fallen on deaf ears! Fourth—their music is horrible—it sounds like shitty Billy Idol to me, no balls to it at all. Is that enough? I can think of a lot more!

Hey, I heard that Rob Zombie was going to direct the new Lordi movie! Can you think of anything that could suck harder than that? Oh yeah, Rob Zombie in general…

After you sank Atlantis to usher in the age of the railroad, was there time for snacks and light refreshment before you slaughtered the neanderthals? – Kaffebaggel

Actually, the Neanderthals were not wiped out — they flourished, made Cro-Magnon man his slave, and went on to invent the Zeppelin!

But I would like to take this chance to talk about the importance of snacks! Snacks are one of the greatest things in life’s ever-changing buffet! Whether it be a lone Twinkie or a glistening heap of yak-vomit, snacks provide a welcome break in the monotony of the daily grind. Take time to take snacks, and also take stuff from work.

O.K. Bohabs, I ANSWERED twenty questions out of the thousands that were sent in. And these were the best ones! So come on people, you have an undying demigod from outer space at your disposal, let’s try to do a little better next time. Just please remember, no math!

-Oderus Urungus

Life got ya confused? Don’t know where Mongolia is? Or perhaps you misplaced your cell phone… Don’t waste time eating a bullet… not yet, anyway! Just… ask Oderus!

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