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I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in Darwin, and natural selection is clearly trying to send Bret Michaels a message: “You are not supposed to be here.” He’s diabetic, he’s the only person in the history of ever to almost eat it at the frickin’ Tony Awards, he’s spent half his life touring with C.C. DeVille (there’s a death sentence if ever there was one), and this year alone, he’s suffered  a massive subarachnoid brain hemorrhage AND discovered that he has a hole in his heart. Is this dude a character from a Final Destination movie or what?

Speaking of that gap in his ticker, and nature wanting him dead: In January, he’ll undergo surgery to try and fill in that sucker, ’cause unlike Extreme, the hole in his heart most certainly cannot be filled by only you. He’s gonna need, like, doctors and medicine and stuff.

I know it’s wrong to joke about a man having heart surgery, but, somehow, I feel like Bret is gonna pull through. Nature might want him dead, but just you watch — this dude is going to outlive us all. There could be a nuclear war, and all that would survive would be cockroaches and Bret Michaels.

And then he’d try to fuck the cockroaches.


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