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ROCK ‘N ROLL HALL OF LAME

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ROCK ‘N ROLL HALL OF LAMEOkay, let’s imagine you’re at a party on the beach, and as you’re packing a fourth slice of pizza into your face, you overhear someone state unequivocally that Bon Jovi and The Beastie Boys are more important than Rush. You’d grimace, but, hey, sales are sales and impact is debatable. It’s a party; be nice.

Then, as you resurface from a sand puddle gravity bong hit, that someone continues with an assertion that Rush is also less vital to modern music than the guy with the big spoken word hit about boffing mermaid chicks (or something) and, oh, let’s not forget the singer of a Phil Spector holiday song who went on to co-star in the Lethal Weapon films. (Jesus, does Scorsese get more than one vote?)

Finally, as you grit your teeth and instinctively glare at the source of these statements, your ears are raped by further by the spoken implication that Rush doesn’t measure up to the motherfucking J. Geils Band.

Party or no party, by now you’re mindlessly stomping this dumbshit into a dust just on principle. It’s like temporary insanity, right? “Had to be done,” you’d tell the judge. “Your honor, you’ve heard that song ‘Freeze Frame.’ Rush Pride for life!”

Now imagine the source of these wild, implausible, and disturbing opinions was not a single human being in board shorts sipping from a Red Bull can at dusk on HB, but, rather, an institution that annually announces to the world its mission “to collect, preserve and interpret the impact the Rock has made on our world.”

And that’s what the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame of Cleveland (pfft) claims to do. And yet, another year of nominees is upon us and looky here no Rush. What a joke! The insult to injury is the wack acts up for induction in Rush’s stead: the abovementioned suckbags, plus Neil Diamond (okay fine), Chic (Nile Rodgers FTW call me), the Alice Cooper Band (sure), Dr. John (he’s weird!), LL Cool J (gag), hipster douchelord Tom Waits, and a few other non-Rush zeroes. Shit look they even spell it “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” like a bunch of goddamn squares. Maybe they should nominate Guns and Roses for their song “Sweet Child of Mine.” We all just love G and R!

-ADF

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