AIN’T TOO PROUD TO MEGAN
When setting out to do holiday shopping every winter, I’m reminded of this awful night that I accidentally sat on a greased traffic cone. I don’t recall the circumstances of my pantslessness, or what miniscule probability was conquered to allow for the weighted cone’s chance placement directly below my then-unbreached shit chute, but oh my I remember the discomfort and Kafka-esque strain to free myself from its orange deathgrip. You see, it’s impossible to get your footing cuz struggling only squeaks you further down the fucker’s widening shaft, so yeah let’s just say I could easily be swapping tips with Jack Russell today if that nice family from Gardena had not stopped to tip me over.
Few events in my life have resulted in such pain and horror, but that mess was still less traumatic than any December shopping trip. Cuz after the butt-cone incident, I merely had to gulp like eight painkillers (four each for wounded bum and ego); conversely, the amount of intoxicants necessary to soften the impact of stressful useless shit purchasing would render me unable to drive, speak, or even identify my wallet. So that’s out. Fuck.
Anyway the point is that I’d sooner have my ass ripped open than go shopping, so that to some extent should contextualize my loving gift of a pizza cutter to Rock of Love 2 girl/evil mastermind/bride-to-be Megan Hauserman (above left). It’s weird, I know. But she deserves it! Look, over three VH1 series, Hauserman was forced to sleep with Bret Michaels (barf!), then combat a houseful of delusional realitards using only her wits/tits (they’re equally formidable!), and then suffer the hypocritical wrath of Shosborne, lord of all cock-blockers, to whom she ceded a hank of blonde locks (my hero!). Not to mention the sad fate of her own Megan Wants A Millionaire, which might’ve pushed her to Flav-level fame if, ahem, one of the “millionaires” hadn’t allegedly butchered his new wife after the airing of episode three. What a rip-off!
So when VH1.com’s check-in with Hauserman last month included a link to her May 2011 wedding registry, I jumped at the chance to present her (and her fiancé too I guess) with the second-cheapest item on her list, a pizza chopper (top right, $12.95)! Now whenever her lithe, luscious six-foot frame is sweatily hunched over a steaming pie, it’ll be my long, stiff instrument that she firmly works this way and that, her fingertips glistening with drops of hot grease. Win!
Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It airs Mondays on VH1. View full episodes here.