Crucified Mortals, Crucified Mortals

The press notes tell me that Crucified Mortals have been together for nine years, but that this is their first full-length; I’d be curious to know what they were doing all that time, ’cause it certainly wasn’t perfecting an original sound. In case the band’s moniker and cover art weren’t a dead giveaway, this is death metal. And it’s actually not at all terrible — the riffs are appropriately evil-sounding, and if you like Slayer-style one-million-notes-per-second-with-no-real-structure type guitar solos, CM are only too happy to oblige you. But the only way you’ve never heard this record before is if you’ve never heard a death metal record before.

(three outta five horns)

Nunslaughter, DemoSlaughter

I have never actually listened to Nunslaughter before, which either makes me the person most qualified to review this collection of demos, or the person least qualified to review this collection of demos; I say “least” because I can’t speak to how said demos stack up against the band’s proper studio recordings, and “most” because I can say that unless you are a really, really hardcore Nunslaughter fan (let’s assume, for the sake of this review, that there is such a thing), there is no way in fuck you will enjoy this. I know they’re demos, but the music sounds like it was recorded through a thick wall of diarrhea. Also, it’s hard for me to imagine the finished versions being any good, since the songs are pretty much the most soporific thing in the history of ever. How the fuck are these guys slaughtering nuns — by boring them to death?

(one outta five horns)


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