...And F*ck You Too

IRON MAIDEN AND JUDAS PRIEST’S APPLES FELL FAR FROM THE TREE

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One of you recently sent us the video for “No Salvation” by the band Hostile (and I lost your e-mail so I apologize for not properly crediting you by name), pointing out that the band was noteworthy because their bassist, Alex Hill, is the offspring of Ian Hill, who, in case you know nothing about anything, is the bass player for Judas Priest. In fact, it turns out that Hostile’s debut album, Eve of Destruction, was produced by K.K. Downing, who, of course, just recently left Judas Priest. And you’d hope that a) Ian Hill had transferred some of his talent via his sperm, and/or b) Downing was able to bring some of his Judas Priest magic to these Hostile proceedings.

Alas, your hope would all be for naught. Hostile is pretty terrible. I mean, I guess it starts off as passable enough Swedecore, but then the singer, who apparently has no higher aspiration than to be in Five Finger Death Punch, starts his bit, and the whole thing becomes more or less completely fucking awful.

And what’s kind of amazing about this is that Ian Hill is not the only child of a metal star who somehow totally failed to inherit any of his father’s talent.

Of course, by now most of you are familiar with Lauren Harris, whose daddy is — duh — Iron Maiden’s Steve Harris. She makes generic hard rock, which I actually find more tolerable than Hostile’s brand of Rockstarenergydrinkcore, but I would never call her music “good.” Also, despite the title of this song making it obvious that this is not what she’s singing, at first I really thought she was belting out the words “I’m gonna steal your father.”

And, hey, guess what? Bruce Dickinson’s son, Austin Dickinson, is also in a band! And they are also terrible! They’re called Rise to Remain, and their album is coming out soonish I guess. But they already have a video. Austin is the singer, natch. And, hey, look, I would never tell Bruce Dickinson how to raise his kids, but if this was my son, I’d disown him immediately. Holy shit is this bad.

So does anyone care to posit a theory about why all these legendary NWOBHM musicians spawned kids with seemingly nothing to offer the metal world? Do you think it’s laziness? Like, “Oh, I don’t have to be good at this, pop will just make a few phone calls on my behalf and I’ll be on my way!”? That’s really the only theory I can come up with.

Also, if, like, Nicko McBrain or someone happens to have a kid who’s actually got chops, please feel free to let me know.

-AR

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