IDOL REMAINS LIVE 11: COUNTRY MUSIC FANS LOVE THIS SH*T

Last week, Idol bid adieu to contestant Heavy Metal James Durbin and that’s sad. Not only did Durbin leave behind two no-singing country hacks and the tight-assed, moderately skilled classic rocker Haley Reinhart, but he took with him the show’s only smidgeon of, like, real life. Dude has seen some trouble; that tiny measure of authenticity carried him past crappy technique and, later, malproductive cockiness. Plus, he was semi-metal and therefore good for a Judass Priest jam once in a while. Well, exactly once.

In Durbin’s wake, Idol is now a desert of arid suckiness (Countreh Boah Scotty McCreery, Lauren The Winner) pocked by the occasional cactus of pretty goodness (Haley Reinhart). This week, we accompanied each back home to visit all the fake-ass fame humping nobodies from whom each Idol wannabe wishes to escape. How depressing. I mean, let the little kids are excited, but grown adults in tears for these fireflies, these off-brand pan-flashes, these Hostess Twinkie motherfuckers? Yes, people of the heartland, hats off to the inanimate carbon rod!

The good news is the shit is nearly over and I, Anso DF, get my life back in time for summer. Back in fall, I pitched Idol Remains to Axl and Vince as a means for MetalSucks rubberneckers to gawk at the continuous Idol trainwreck and to ride along every week with Steven Tyler, American rock’s greatest frontman. He’s a producer, writer, dancer, singer, druggie, and bon vivant — not a live TV personality or dutiful judge of weak, flavorless singers. (Oh, plus, he sucks at writing books.) So, Tyler the Idol goof may be of little help to me, Aerosmith fans, Aerosmith members, or Idol contestants, but he rescued ratings (aw nuts) and, for a time, managed to counteract the idiocy of fellow judge Jennifer Lopez (uh thanks). Not a good trade-off for all the strife it caused with his band. Sigh.

Anyway, with three performers left, gaze in horror on your penultimate Idol Remains scorecard of hard sores and lard-ass bores.

COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY
Song (personal) “Amazed” Lonestar
Song (Iovine’s choice) “Are You Gonna Fist Me Or Not” Thompson Square
Song (judges choice) “Theme For Anso Taking A Shit During Scotty’s Yodelfest”
Production notes Judge Randy Jackson said Scotty would be the result if Garth Brooks and Bruce Springsteen had a baby. Which one has the vagina?
Steven Tyler sez “Scotty, man. I think you just keep getting better and better.” At being boring as whaleshit.
Anso’s asshole advice Okay, I’ll state here that my price for enduring Scotty’s no-singing ass these 18 weeks is comparatively small: I’m taking those bouncing eyebrows. By machete.

*
LAUREN THE WINNER
Song (personal) “She’s A Wild One” Faith Hill
Song (Iovine’s choice) “If I Dance Young” The Band Perry
Song (judges choice) “I Hope You Die” LeeAnn Womack
Production notes For Lauren to groove with, the oldest, malest, whitest guitarists shall pack the stage. Thinning hair no problem.
Steven Tyler sez “You’re ready for America to pee all over you.”
Anso’s asshole advice Fellow pop-country sell-out Scotty’s already branded by Idol as a ladies’ man; Lauren is too cold a fish and too foul a face to be a men’s lady. More like a 16-year old busted-out tranny.

*
HALEY REINHART
Song (personal) “What Is And What Should Never Be” Led Zeppelin
Song (Iovine’s choice) “Rhiannon” Fleetwood Mac
Song (judges choice) “The Dork From Full House Oughta Know” Alanis Morissette
Production notes Haley took a spill on the stairs during her first song, and like Lauren’s modulation fail on “If I Die Young”, the gaffe was praised as the result of genius. Only on American TV is failure called success.
Steven Tyler sez “You sang that song so beautiful that it reminded me why I fell in love with Stevie Nicks in the first place.” I guess that’s a compliment?
Anso’s asshole advice Run for it, Haley. Get off this show. Your modicum of talent is dangerous in the hands of these maniacs.

Voted off

*

–ADF

MetalSucks Idol Remains concludes next week when one of the two remaining Idol sucks is crowned Overlord of All Sucks til next year.