CRIMEN EXCEPTA: CRYSTAL VIPER’S NEW ALBUM ART IS NOT AS AWESOME AS IT SHOULD BE
Crystal Viper is one the most FUCKING METAL metal bands on the planet, and their album art usually reflects this status. Like, remember the cover of their last album, Legends? IT WAS A FREAKIN’ WEREWOLF WITH A SCYTHE RIDING A HORSE IN FRONT OF A CASTLE. It was pretty much the awesomest thing ever. It’s like the band went, “Oh, so you think you’re so metal? FUCK YOU, PUSSY! WE’RE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN’ METAL!!!”
So, yeah, I’m kinda bummed to see that the band hasn’t outdone themselves with the art for their forthcoming release, Crimen Excepta, a concept album about menstrual cycles. Sure, it has the werewolf from Legends and the zombie army from 2009’s Metal Nation, but is isn’t really, truly, hilariously METAL like those covers. Part of it has to do with the fact that noting truly silly is happening in this image — I mean, I’m sure that poor bishe is gonna get it, but she doesn’t even look that frightened or anything — and part of it has to do with how flat the illustration is. Legends‘ art was drawn from such a perspective that we’re looking up at the werewolf, making him seem massive and intimidating, and Nations‘ art is at a slight angle, giving it depth; here, we’re just looking at the landscape dead-on, from eye level. Booooorrrrrinnnngggg. Really, this needed to be, like, the werewolf sitting in spaceship, doing battle with a dragon atop a rainbow or something. That might have topped Legends‘ art.