Question Of The Week: Metal Mods
Hi MetalSucks readers! Say, have u ever noticed that in 2013, the video game has traversed a wall that cinema couldn’t climb? That is, movies can only assign u a hunky surrogate; video games can better involve u directly. That creates more potential for what each media attempts: personal experience, like the story is happening to each person, not to an actor or some nerd code programming stuff.
But then again, video games could be even more personalized right? Like, couldn’t we further tweak their aesthetics and details to match our preferences? Let’s take the reins here in today’s MS QOTW!
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight to our sofa’s ass pit to stare into glowing screens all night ugh. Here’s this week’s question:
What mod would u create to play a game as members of a band?
Pass the chips, hunkypants!
Okay, so I have no idea if this is scientifically doable or not. (As much as I love video games, I know fuck-all about the technology.) But I’d really like to see a mod that changes ALL enemies in a violent first-person shooter — I don’t care all that much which one — into painfully untalented members of the metal community. In other words, instead of blasting away miscellaneous soldiers or aliens or whatever, I’d like to run around blasting away the dudes responsible for all the shit that has polluted my ears during my time as a metal fan. To be clear: I don’t want to actually kill anyone, and I know that would be an absurd reaction to creators of music that one does not enjoy. I would, however, love the virtual thrill of PRETENDING to kill those people. That’s not totally immoral… is it?
DAVID LEE ROTHMUND
Katamari Damacy + The Acacia Strain = The Katacia Strainacy Game. Instead of an innocent — yet obtusely entertaining — and rather cockamamie two-button spiel, we could have the upgraded mongrel “suck today’s dick” version complete with bazookas and mushroom clouds! Which would you pick? The stupid one with derpy characters and silly muzak? Ha, or the raw-ass bastard one where you can annihilate the world by rolling a blood-filled and diamond-encrusted skull all over god’s creation? Duh. Easy choice. But word has it that game designers haven’t been taking idea submissions from MetalSucks. Damn shame, really, damn shame. Looks like you’ll just have to play regular ol’ Damacy while listening to Acacia, which, surprisingly enough, isn’t a half-bad combo!
My take: Grand Theft Oslo. You are Bjorn, a young metalhead looking to make it in early ’90s Oslo. But to rise to the top of the Black Circle, you’ve got to prove yourself. Steal cars, burn churches, hang out at Helvete, and commit the occasional bigoted murder, all in the name of our glorious father Satan. Mini-games include applying corpsepaint, helping Euronymous move his overstocked merchandise, camping with Fenriz, and even altering history as you talk Dead out of killing himself and take Varg out for ice cream to stop him from murdering Euronymous. Just be careful, because if you get caught bludgeoning a spinster on the street, you might get hauled off by the cops and serve six whole hours in a minimum-security prison.
Dude did u guys ever see the pinball machines themed on Wrestlemania and Guns ‘N Roses? I loved them! The game itself was just pinball no biggie, but the little soundbites were awesome. We laughed our ballz off as again and again, Macho Man suddenly chirped “Yeeah! Yeeah! Ohhhhh yeeeah!” while the neighboring machine produced a gasp from Axl Rose: “Oh my god.” Likewise, I’d pitch an NBA game with metal guys vs. metal guys. Imagine it: Hetfield in transition fakes a pass then nails a straightaway three (“Yea-ee-yeahhh!”), then sprints back to block Mustaine’s weak lay-up (“No-whoa-ohhhhh!”). Tom Araya gets the board (“AYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEHHHH!”) and outlets to Mike Muir (“YAH-HA-HAHHAAAHA-HAAAHAA”) who lobs to an airborne DMX for a massive dunk (“OHHHHHHHH! Cmon!”). Announcers are David Lee Roth and Ozzy.