Cinemetal

WARNING: Viewing Five Finger Death Punch’s “House of the Rising Sun” Video WILL Make You Stupider

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Five Finger Death Punch have released a video for their version of “House of the Rising Sun,” and it seems to have been devised by a bunch of first grade boys playing G.I. Joe at recess.

The first part of the video is actually not set to “House of the Rising Sun,” but, rather, to what sounds like like rap-metal-era Dope mixed with the worst Nickelback song ever (which is really saying something). It portrays the members of the band as a bunch of hard partying military types who like to hold parties in the desert, during which they hire a bunch of women dressed in slutty Mad Max Halloween costumes to dance for them. But even though “House of the Rising Sun” is about a bordello, these ladies are apparently not prostitutes, because while they are willing to sleep beside the members of FFDP, they will only do so while remaining in their Road Whoreior costumes.

Then one of the band’s members, Zoltan, tries to wake up another of the band’s members, Ivan. Ivan pulls a gun on Zoltan, because Ivan is such a bad ass that he always sleeps with a gun and is always ready to shoot someone in the face simply for waking them up. I bet this guy goes through a lot of alarm clocks.

Then Ivan, Zoltan, and the other Three Fingers of the Death Punch go meet two guys wearing dark black suits, because everyone knows that black suits are the most comfortable attire when you’re in the middle of the desert (also, Christ forbid anyone not recognize them as mobsters from a mile away). There’s only two guys, neither of whom appear to be armed, but that doesn’t stop the members of FFDP from rolling up in full military gear (save for their drummer, Jeremy Spencer, who isn’t wearing anything to protect his torso or head from gunfire, because drummers are impervious to bullets I guess), guns drawn, because you just never know, guys in black suits can be really fast draws. Then one Black Suit guy shoves a briefcase into Ivan’s hands, and that causes the other Four Fingers of the Death Punch to all raise their weapons and take a quick, cautious step back, because briefcases can be lethal, too.

Then Five Finger Death Punch ride back out into the middle of the desert, because whatever it is they’re supposed to do with the briefcase, it can wait (or maybe they’re just holding it for safekeeping? It’s not really clear.). Then, even though they’re in the middle of the desert and there are no parking spaces, Zoltan tosses the car keys to one of the Mad Maxines as though she were a valet… although, again, maybe he just wants her to look after them for safekeeping or something.

ANYWAY, then Five Finger Death Punch and the Thunder Ho’mes start to gamble, because someone noticed that the word “gamble” appears in the lyrics for “House of the Rising Sun” and was like “We don’t even have a fucking house in this video, we need to do something to connect the visuals to the actual song.” The women are allowed to deal and sit at the table with FFDP, but they can’t actually play poker themselves, because everyone knows girls can’t play cards, duh. 

But wait! Something goes wrong during the card game, and everyone pulls their guns on one another, and then people are dead. Then the black suit guys show up again and kill Ivan. Then this title card appears:

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Then the viewer realizes his mind has been raped and goes up to his roof and jumps head first onto the concrete below. The end.

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