Metal Merch

The Definitive Heavy Metal Holiday Gift Guide for 2014


Heavy Metal Holiday Gift GuideNot sure what to buy your metal-loving boo this Holiday Season? It’s never been easier, thanks to our handy Heavy Metal Holiday Gift Guide. We’ve included metal-themed items of all price levels in this year’s list; there’s absolutely no shame in being on a budget so we’ve got plenty of items for the money conscious crowd, but if you happen to have recently come into a little extra cash and wanna lavish that special someone with something nice, we’ve got you covered there too.

Dive in below. And certainly let us know if we missed anything by emailing tips to news[at]

lemmy gnome

Heavy Metal Lawn Gnomes

Etsy seller ianthegnome has quite the selection of unique, pop culture-inspired lawn gnomes, but we suggest the Lemmy, King Diamond, KISS, Beavis & Butt-Head or “Hardcore Legends” gnomes for your heavy metal-loving friend. At $45 a piece the price is fair, and even if your boo doesn’t have a square inch of grass to call a lawn, one of these bad boys will look great on his or her book shelf at only 8.5″ in height.

Buy: $45 on ianthegnome’s Etsy

Asstodon shorts

Asstodon Booty Shirts

The twerk heard ’round the metalsphere inspired these Mastodon booty shorts… or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, if you’re a guy with a non-metal lady and you want to step up her metal game a bit, consider stuffing these shorts in her stocking.

Buy: $29 from Mastodon

The Sword x Subrosa Stormwitch Bike

The Sword x Subrosa Stormwitch Bike

Got a BMX rider in the family who also happens to be a metalhead? Buy them the new Sword x Subrosa Stormwitch bike and they’ll be riding happily for years. The bike features artwork by comic book artist J.H. Williams III, who designed the artwork for the band’s recent album, Apocryphon, and it’s made with 100% seamless chromoly frame with ovalized downtube, 6mm dropouts, removable brake mounts and other features you can read about here.

Buy: Price not known. Check out this list of distributors or email [email protected]

Mustaine Vinyards Wine

Mustaine Vinyards Wine

Megadeth mainman Dave Mustaine is trying his hand at the vintner game with his own company, Mustaine Vinyards, which releases a variety of seasonal wines. The limited edition Blood Of Heroes Syrah 2011 is available now, boasting “droughts of lavender and earthy fig aromas which meld with the spicy oak in a wonderfully assertive bouquet that is full of brambly berries and Damson plums.” Whatever — just buy a bottle, get that loopy wine drunk on, and perhaps you’ll finally understand why Mustaine’s been saying crazy shit in the press for all these years.

Buy: $50/bottle from Mustaine Vinyards


MetalSucks T-Shirts

Self-explanatory! Chose from a dozen designs, including our popular Star Wars spoofs on famous metal band logos and several others.

Buy: $15 at the Official MetalSucks Webstore

Mastodon CoffeeMastodon Black Blood Coffee

Dark Matter Coffee and Mastodon teamed up for this most unique blend: Dark Matter’s infamous Unicorn Blood (whatever that is) is aged in Basil Hayden’s Bourbon Whiskey barrels. Because of course there’s alcohol involved one way or another… this is Mastodon we’re talking about.

Buy: $18 per 12 oz. bag via Dark Matter Coffee

Savage Gold Coffee Company Tombs Mike Hill

Tombs’ Savage Gold Coffee

Tombs’ Mike Hill will see Mastodon’s coffee game and up it one hundred fold: he’s got his own damn coffee company, Savage Gold! The product he’s currently pushing is the Savage Gold Prime, “an Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee bean grown between 6,000 and 6,500 feet above sea level [that is] an aromatic and dynamic coffee roasted to perfection with a large flavor profile. It is sourced from a co op of Ethiopian farmers and is 100% Fair Trade, certified organic and wet (mechanically) processed.”

Buy: $16.50 per 16 oz. bag via Savage Gold Coffee Company

Iron Maiden vinyl reissuesThe Complete Iron Maiden Vinyl Collection

Iron Maiden recently reissued their first eight albums on 180 gram vinyl, along with nineteen 7″ singles. Prices vary between the singles and albums, but most are fairly priced between around $8 and $22.

Buy: $7.98 to $27.33 on Amazon

corpsepaint_statuesCorpsepaint Ceramic Statues

Portland-based artist Tom LaBonty has an Etsy store where he spoofs those bizarre ceramic statues your grandmother had around the house. His distinctly more metal versions would make your grandmother horrified, but that’s just the way we like it. Thanks for the tip, Metal Injection.

Buy: $25-$60 on Etsy

Brewtal Truth BookBrewtal Truth Guide to Extreme Beers: An All-Excess Pass To Brewing’s Outer Limits

Decibel scribe Adam Tepedelen brings us the appropriately extreme guide to beers — which you already ought to be familiar with as a monthly feature in the magazine — featuring descriptions and ratings of more than 100 of the most insane beers in the world (broken down into a handful of specific categories). The book boasts “outrageous brews with unusual ingredients,” so it’ll surely appeal to the adventurous, brew-loving metalhead in your family.

Buy: $16.88/Kindle or $17.86/paperback on Amazon

ghost watch

Ghost Watches

Vannen Watches released this 150-piece limited edition Ghost watch run on Halloween of this year, and of course they all sold out immediately. At only $65 this would be a bargain for any Ghost fan… if you’re somehow able to get yourself one. Maybe try eBay?

Buy: $65 at Vannen Watches

Slayer Beer SteinSlayer Beer Stein

This limited edition Slayer ceramic and pewter beer stein comes with a custom display box. There are only 250 available worldwide, so make sure you get yours soon. Height 27cm, Holds 500ml.

Buy: $120 at Slayer’s Official Store

slayer xmas card 2014

Slayer-Themed Christmas Cards

Want to give your loved one something metal-related but don’t have much money with which to do it? Buy one of these Slayer-themed Christmas cards for just $2.80, write an appropriately brutal message inside, and your special someone will come running to you with their pants down.

Buy: $2.80 at

Metal Christmas Sweaters

Foo Fighters Parodies of Emperor Christmas Sweaters and Def Leppard Christmas Sweaters

The ironic Christmas sweater trend has officially reached a nadir. Still, these Foo Fighters parodies of Emperor Christmas sweaters are pretty neat. For the older metalhead, try the Def Leppard Christmas sweater instead.

Buy $29.99 at the Official Foo Fighters Webstore (Def Leppard: $40 at the Official DL Webstore)

Buckcherry “Crazy Bitch” Sex Toys (NSFW)

If the idea of a Buckcherry-themed dildo, fuck kit or butt plug excite you, well, get to buying!

Buy: $24.99 and up at Crazy Bitch Toys

Bad Brains bookPunk! Hardcore! Reggae! PMA! Bad Brains!

Written by journalist/author Greg Prato, the book is part traditional biography and part oral history of the legendary, genre-defying group Bad Brains.

Buy: $9.99/Kindle and $13.99/paperback at Amazon

Metal Church drum head

SelectAHead Custom Drum Heads

Whether for use in a band or just to hang on the wall, SelectAHead offers a variety of metal-themed bass drum heads to please the stick-twiddlers of the world.

Buy: $149 at

Did we miss anything? Email news[at] with other metal items perfect for holiday gifts.

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits