BREAKING: Emmure’s Frankie Palmeri Admits to Being a Human!!!
In news which will no doubt rock the metal community and the world at large to its very core, Emmure vocalist Frankie Palmeri has revealed to fans that he is not an alien from a distant world.
The admission came as part of an announcement regarding a recent show cancellation for the nu-deathcore band:
This, of course, contradicts with Palmeri’s 2011 claim that he may “belong to something not of this world” — an assertion which many believed to be true, as it would account for his monstrous vocals, terrible taste in music, and ability to hold sway over thousands of fans despite a complete lack of talent. Given Before It’s News‘ recent report that “Reptilians regularly and increasingly possess humans” and that “Manipulating humans for their own twisted goals is a time-honored reptilian tactic,” the idea that Palmeri might himself be descended from Koopa seemed more plausible than ever.
With this revelation, then, comes a crushing defeat: if Palmeri isn’t using special alien forces to get fans, then that means the fans just legitimately like Emmure… and that means we are one step closer to Idiocracy becoming a reality. Someone get me some poisoned Kool-Aid, please.