Green Eggs and Slam

WHY BANDS FAIL: they are bad, stupid and/or lazy

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lazy bad stupid

Let’s start with the obvious: nobody gives a fuk about ur band. U probably blame Facebook, “the industry” or the public for “not getting it” for this, but the truth is that ur dumb band is unsuccessful for the same reasons that every other dumb band fails.

When u rly boil it down, there are only 3 reasons why bands fail: they are BAD, STUPID, and/or LAZY. For ur band to go anywhere, none of these things can be true. For example, it is hardly a mystery why PERIPHERY are so successful: their music is great, they work incredibly hard, and consistently make very shrewd business decisions. The polar opposite of that is, well, ur band: crappy music, the work ethic of a narcoleptic Greek, and zero grasp of how 2 run a business or conduct urselves as professionals because ur a bunch of adult babies.

Let’s unpack each of these things a bit to help u understand why ur band is a flop:

BAD
There are actually two dimensions of badness: bad concept and bad execution. It is important 2 understand the differences between the two.

Bad execution is the easiest to understand. This simply means that the band is shitty at what they do. For example, every crappy local/regional band u have ever seen where ur description of them would be “a shitty version of [good band].” Note that the Dunning-Kruger effect applies here: shitty bands do not know that they are shitty. In fact, the shittier a band is, the more likely they are 2 think that they are actually great.

Bad concept is less obvious, but more insidious because it is harder 2 spot. In this version of badness, the band is good at what they want to do, but the thing they want to do is bad. For example, the world’s “best” techdeath band is still terrible because techdeath is inherently awful.

Example: DIVINE HERESY. They are a great example of  badness via bad concept. They are very competent, highly skilled players, yet the band is horrible. U cannot point to anything wrong with their music, yet somehow it is still awful. U can see the problem here: no matter how hard they work, this band was never going 2 be a big deal because they are the metal equivalent of room temperature tap water.

STUPID
While there are a lot of bad bands, there are even more stupid ones. Bands routinely commit career suicide by doing dumb shit like writing antagonistic rants about their label/manager/etc on Facebook, start a bootleg Sons Of Anarchy gang and get locked up, and so forth. Another common way that band idiots shoot themselves in the foot is by ‘following their artistic vision’ and doing a stylistic 180, alienating all their fans in the process. Bands of the 80s such as CELTIC FROST and DISCHARGE pioneered this technique, but many bands 2day are following in their footsteps.

Example: JOB FOR A COWBOY. These guys are the poster children for the foolish mistake that many scene bands make, which is trying 2 be accepted as “real metal.” (See also WINDS OF PLAGUE, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA, etc) This is basically guaranteed to failure, because metal fans are close-minded, image-obsessed and will never accept ur band. U will alienate all ur old fans without gaining enough new ones to make up for it, and thus begins the slow descent into JFAC-ville.

LAZY
Have u ever come across a band whose music blows u away and ur like “holy shit why aren’t these guys more popular?! How have I never heard of this band until now?!” Or if ur like, “hey whatever happened to that hype band who had a lot of buzz 3.5 years ago then kinda fizzled?” Or “wow [old band who used 2 be good] are fucking terrible now, they used 2 be sick but their last 8 albums feel like phoned in garbage, what happened?!”

The answer is probably because they are lazy: don’t tour enough, don’t write enough, and don’t push themselves hard enough in the studio. This should not be a surprise, because obviously if someone was a hard worker they would apply that effort 2 something like finance where u can actually make money. But musicians would rather smoke weed, noodle on their guitar and watch cartoons than do something boring like go 2 school.

Example: THE FACELESS. These guys had some solid hype ~5 years ago, appealing 2 not only neckbeard virgins with expensive guitars, but the much more lucrative demographic of scene/deathcore kids. But they flushed all that down the toilet thanks 2 their revolving door of members, taking forever 2 make a new album, and touring maybe once a year.

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