Friday 5: Metal Birthday Wishes That Could Happen!


Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you!). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. 

Here we go!



Your friends always cook up a hilarious birthday experience for you — what five do you most hope for next?


Anso DFMetalSucks senior editor


Blue Murder label
“Yeah-ee Yea-a-ah” x 1,000,000,000,000

Birthday wish #1: Producer Bob Rock creates an super-extended version of the song “Sex Child” by Blue Murder
Why it should happen: I so love that song and could listen to its outro for hours
Why it could happen: It requires only a bit of work and access to the masters

The best birthday present isn’t a thing — it is an unforgettable “experience” set up just for you. The resulting feelings and images stick around for life not only because of the fun, but also due to the impact of being understood by your loved ones. At least one of them really gets you. Sure, you’re not the type to loudly list your desires, but those desires are perceived and processed by those for whom you’re a focus. And that’s how you wake up on your birthday to a surprise email from a mega-producer via which he delivers a version of an awesome song with its monster finale extended to a length of, oh say, 45 minutes. Just. Like. You’ve. Always. Wanted. It’s a effortless task; dip in to the original masters, push the fade-out back quite a bit, let the loop ride for three quarters of an hour, and leave me space to stack on a dozen tracks of guitar solos.


"Drums, check. Guitars and vocals TBA."
“Drums, check. Guitars and vocals TBD.”

Birthday wish #2 One night only: A metal tribute to Jellyfish
Why it should happen: We’re dying to hear the music of Jellyfish live in concert and loud as fuck
Why it could happen: Their celebrity fans are all-stars of cover songs

Have you ever heard of the band Jellyfish? If yes, then you’re probably a fan their two albums of masterful power pop. That’s the type of band we’re talking about here: To know them is to worship them and their two genius songwriters, though their small output and mere handful of tours mean it’s not easy to know them (even when they were active 25 years ago). However, we might manage to pull strings on Jellyfish’s celebrity fans of today like Mike Portnoy, Steel Panther’s Stix Zadinia, and ex-Pantera drummer Vinnie Paul to cook up a night of Jellyfish live music played by ace metal guys onstage somewhere. It would cost us a week of rehearsals and a bunch of favors. 


"Make some motherfucking noise!!"
“Okay fuckers let’s hear you make some motherfucking noise!!”

Birthday wish #3: Rush frontman Geddy Lee gets wild on stage
Why it should happen
: It would be awesome
Why it could happen: An agreeable guy may happily do a birthday favor for a fan

I feel like my little sister’s skills in the field of cajolery could result in a private joke going public. She’d sidle up to Geddy Lee, singer-bassist-keyboarder of Rush, and sell him on the idea of going full-blown rock star for just an instant — just as a laugh for me. He’d agree to her cheerful pitch, and then on stage that night during the breakdown of “The Spirit Of Radio” (ie. in the measures before the main lick returns to lead in the chorus), something very un-Geddy would happen. In that space — where he usually wails a wholesome cheer like “Ohhhh yeah!!” or “Chi-ca-go!!!” — he’d rear back and bellow, “Awwwwwww fuck yeah!!” Then I would pee my pants.


Lakes Mike Patton Adam Jones Danny Carey Tool Faith No More
“Good point Anso — that Jim Buss is a blockhead.”

Birthday wish #4: Be seated at the Lakers game with superfans Mike Patton (Faith No More), Tool’s Danny Carey and Adam Jones
Why it should happen
: I’m there, they’re there, we all gotta sit somewhere.
Why it could happen: See “Why it should happen”

These birthday wishes aren’t far-fetched, like a Pantera reunion or a night alone with Cristina Scabbia. We’re talking about stuff that could happen. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be creepy, like me seated in the same row as three famous metal guys I don’t know personally. I wouldn’t engage them more than others in our midst; I’d just plunk down in my seat, Jones on one side and aisle on the other, eyes on the game, ears on their chatter, mouth full of Cheetos. The extent of our interaction: a high five or two, a shared groan or ten, beverage passing. No big whoop. 


"You can take my mic -- just pry it from my cold, dead hands."
“You can take my mic — all you have to do is pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Birthday wish #5: Everybody ignore Dave Mustaine for a year
Why it should happen
: We’re only enabling him
Why it could happen: All we have to do is nothing.

Imagine: All media on Earth take a year break from reporting the kooky, desperate behavior of metal’s most cowardly lion. It would crush him.


Your turn! Have a great wknd!

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