Ask MetalGF: On Ghosting + What to Do When Metal Dudes Won’t Take You Seriously
In addition to being MetalGF, I give advice for a living. I wanted to share this ability with you, dear readers of MetalSucks! Therapy is expensive, but this is free!
I want to date a guy who can relate to my love of metal, but the metal guys around here don’t think I’m the real deal. They don’t do that “I bet you’re only saying you like EyeHateGod to seem cool, if you really like Pig Destroyer name all of their albums” gatekeeper bullshit, but they just ignore me. 99 times out of 100 I’ll go up to a guy and tell him I like his shirt to try and start a conversation and all I’ll get is a sneer. A half-hearted “thanks” if I’m lucky. I wear band shirts to try and attract some attention, but I feel like dressing showier/more stereotypically “girl metal”/”sexier” would be presenting an inauthentic version of myself. How do I stop being so invisible and get someone to give me the time of day?
Thank you so much for writing in, Jen. This is a great question, and from what I understand, not being taken seriously is a real issue for girls and women in the metal community. This is the result of years of systematic misogyny, and it makes me really mad and sad to hear about it. From my point of view, this is not your problem at all but, rather, the problem of these arrogant dudes who somehow think metal is theirs and that they are the authentic ones while you are the poser. Every culture and subculture has within it men who think they own it: from business to music to law to politics to art and literature to television and movies. This is the world we live in and are, in many ways, forced to adjust to.
It seems to me that the kind of guy who would sneer at you for starting a conversation is no one to be interested in, and you should firstly have the confidence to know it is certainly his loss. In this scenario, I think it’s about finding the diamonds in the rough, if you will. Because for every culture and subculture that has these men, there are of course the men in these same groups who are nice, good people also looking for a companion to share their love of metal (or business or art!).
I know a guy: let’s call him Baxl Bosenberg. Baxl B. is a mensch! He brings cannolis when he comes over, he’s great with babies, he listens and he loves his mom. Baxl also would not mind dating someone who shares his love of metal. He also LOVES Pig Destroyer, God help him! Boy, does this guy love Pig Destroyer!! Your Baxl is out there! We need to find you your Baxl because I promise you, he is out there. You are like a straight man in a yoga class or an MFA program, the odds are in your favor by a lot. And there are plenty of guys looking for someone just like you.
As much as I encourage dating IRL, your situation does sound intimidating. Perhaps you need something like HAPPN, a location based dating app, that will tell you who is NEAR you — whether you pass them on the street or are even standing next to them at a show — and is interested in meeting a girl like you. You are brave to keep going up to these guys in the face of sneers and sarcasm, and if you can keep doing it, eventually, one of them will surely be sweet and smart. But if you can’t handle it anymore, it might be time to turn to technology, which is set up to soften or eliminate blatant rejection of that first awkward meeting.
I believe in you Jen and think any guy would be lucky to have you by his side listening to Anal Cunt and snuggling up tight.
What is with ghosting? So many people do it, but a small dash of etiquette would make it so much easier for the person being left. They say that for women, the end of a relationship can feel like a death. So ghosting can feel like a death with no answers. Social media aids this, because it allows relationships to pop up and disappear like a flash in the pan. What’s going on in the mind of the ghost, and why is this actually better for them? Are they aware of the turmoil they leave behind?
Confused in Cambridge
Hey girl, I feel your pain. Back in the day, you would date the town cobbler’s son and homeboy could not disappear after a few dates without his dad, cousins, mom, grandmom and all the towns people hearing about it. PLUS you’d probably run into him. This is what we call “accountability.” I understand that ghosting hurts, and I completely get that. Rejection is difficult, and having no explanation makes getting closure and moving on that much harder. When you date people you kind of know or are in your extended group of friends and acquaintances, there is some level of accountability that just does not exist in today’s world of semi-anonymous online dating.
With all of this in mind, my main suggestion is to date within your network. Someone wants to set you up? YES. You have two Facebook friends in common? YES. Your mom’s annoying friend has a nephew? YES. Attend any and all of your reunions (college, camp, high school), go to parties hosted by people you know and love, and date, date, date. Having some community in common is helpful in a relationship on so many levels. It gives you a common language that will benefit you through all your stages together, and even the break-up itself. Strangers dating strangers, which seems like the backbone of online dating, truly gives way to ghosting because honestly, why not ghost? It’s less messy and less emotional and no one needs to know a thing in the endless miserable world of the internet.
The peer pressure of not ghosting a friend of a friend is real, and I think that pressure is healthy. If the cobbler’s dad is going to be like “I HEARD YOU NEVER CALLED HER BACK WHAT HAPPENED?”, the son might be more likely to say to you, “You seem cool but this isn’t working,” letting you know it’s time to move on and move up, maybe to the local watchmaker’s handsome heir.
It is rough out there, Confused, but stay strong and try to keep your heart and eyes open. <3
Please send real questions to [email protected]. I’m serious and I really want to help you.