Necessary Roughness Week 5: Parity Rules!


Last season I wrote a post about how the entire league is mediocre and how parity sucks the fun out of everything. This season is proving the opposite to be true. Every week I have no idea who is the best team in the majority of games. I was CONVINCED the Jets would go 0-16 and here they are at 3-2 having allowed fewer points against than the damn Patriots. The Giants are winless after starting the year near the top of the nfl.com power rankings and the Raiders are sitting at 2-3 and third place in the AFC West.

For some reason the parity is THRILLING me this year while last year was a complete snooze. What gives? I think the main reason is there are no complete dumpster fire divisions as far as I can tell. That means that the schedule is less prone to multiple games among two moribund teams like basically all of last year’s AFC South division games. You could check out of any Colts, Jags and Texans game last year and not miss much. This year, the Colts still blow goats, but the Jags are in first, the Texans are putting up ridiculous numbers and the Titans are still in the hunt and always seem to play tight games. The same can be said for the NFC South.

Pictured: AFC East

I also think QB play isn’t as horrific as some anticipated. Yes, duh, someone should have signed Kaep this offseason. But Jared Goff is playing excellent football, Bortles has a winning record, Deshaun Watson is a beast, Cam Newton seems to be back. That’s an eighth of the league outperforming expectations! Let’s get to the games…

I wasted my entire afternoon on the drive from Pittsburgh to Brooklyn watching the Giants literally fall apart. I don’t have anything to say about this game except that someone HAD to win it and neither team wanted to. The Chargers managed to not lose four out of their five receivers. They win. I actually cannot remember a single worthwhile play from this game, so here is Philip Rivers’ stupid face.


The Rams D did everything they could to keep Jared and the offense in it. If Todd Gurley had held onto that goddamn ball in the first quarter, I might have won my fantasy game and the Rams might be two games up on the Seahawks. Instead, Russel Wilson & co hung on and get to stay relevant for at least a week or two longer. I still think the Rams own this division; next time these two meet, 17 isn’t going to be enough points for the Seahawks. They’ve gotta figure out their O-line if  they even want a shot at a wildcard spot.

The Bills lost to the Bengals, so my earlier point about the AFC East stands. Although I would honestly LOVE it if the Bills managed to stay on top through the season. They definitely have the most offensive and outrageous fans in footba-


Fantasy Pimp of the Week

Leonard Fournette! Holy cow, the Jags are looking good, right? Their defense is playing really tough, Bortles is not Bortlesing too hard and wouldya look at this? They have an honest-to-goodness running back. The first since MJD. Look at this maniac!

181 rushing yards and 2 TDs including the pole vault above. Who needs a hole when you can fly?

Some Random Thoughts

I didn’t get to watch nearly enough this week because of my schedule, so most of the post will be down here.

What’s up with Houston’s Defense? I need to really sit down and watch an entire game from them. They’re scoring an ungodly amount of points, but it seems like they’re struggling to stop opposing teams from doing the same. What’s JJ Watt, Real American Hero™ doing? Is he all alone down there? They’re the third highest scoring team in the league (again, how did they think Tom Savage was better than Watson heading into the season!?), but they give up the second most points (one behind the Patriots!) This is as good a time as any to post this. It never doesn’t pump me up.

My brother in law is a huge Eagles fan. I will not give him or commenter asdasd the satisfaction of believing the Eagles to be anything other than lucky. They have beat:

Giants (0-5)
Chargers (1-5, only win against the Giants)
Cardinals (2-3, only wins against the 49ers and Colts)
Washington (ok, this is a good win, the Washingtons are tough)


I should have watched the Jaguars beat up on the Steelers. The London Jaguars didn’t seem very affected by the time zone change coming over the pond to Pittsburgh for a game. It’s a damn shame Allen Robinson went down and these guys are sticking with Bortles. A more dynamic QB and a full strength WR corps would make them downright scary. I guess when you can pick off Ben Roethlisberger FIVE TIMES, you don’t need either of those things. Also, holy crap, again… Leonard Fournette!

Congratulations to the Panthers on remaining undefeated! If only Cam knew how to deal with the media. You simply can’t say sexist things and get away with it, Cam.

What do you think is the single best matchup for Week 6? Looks like the first slate of lopsided matchups for the year. I think Packers at Vikings at 1, and Rams at Jaguars at 4. Can they flex the Giants out of primetime? It’s too embarrassing.

Song for Giants Fans


I’ll let Sixto do the talking this week:

But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that’s said
Forget it
Don’t be inane
There’s no one to blame
No reason why
You should stay here
And lie to me
Who should I theme the rest of this season’s playlist for? I’m thinking the Rams. I know they’ll kill me late in the season for supporting them early.

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits