Enlarge Photo by Anirudh Koul 

Fantasy Casting the Kiss Biopic


Yesterday, we learned that Netflix is nearing a deal to produce Shout it Out Loud, a The Dirt-esque biopic of Kiss. Which means it’s time for one of our favorite pointless exercises: fantasy casting! Hoo-ray!

Below are some of our suggestions as to which actors might be good to play various personalities in the story of the legendary band. Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments section below!

Sacha Baron Cohen as Gene Simmons

Pity the poor actor tasked with making Gene Simmons a likable guy. Cohen has been making crude men with no filter entertaining for more than two decades; if anyone can make you root against Shannon Tweed having Simmons involuntarily committed to an old folks’ care facility, it’s the guy who played Borat, Ali G., Bruno, and The Dictator.

Cher as Paul Stanley

Yes, this would be a little odd, because Cher used to date Gene Simmons. Also, though, it would be completely perfect, because Cher used to date Gene Simmons.

Joe Viterelli as Ace Frehley

Talented, shapeless, and medically dead since 2004, the Analyze This star is the perfect choice to play Space Ace.

Michael St. Michaels as Peter Criss

He already has experience playing a greasy strangler!

Dominic West as Eric Carr

Our casting here is based entirely on the fact that West bore a passing resemblance to Carr in the movie Rockstar.

Illeana Douglas as Vinnie Vincent

I mean. C’mon. We nailed this one.

Christian Bale as Mark St. John

Since this would probably amount to an extended cameo, they might as well swing for the fences, right?

John Travolta as Bruce Kulick

It’s all about that chin, baby!

James Le Gros as Eric Singer

Seriously, just give us our casting director credit already.

Ace Frehley as Tommy Thayer

Fair’s fair: Thayer has been impersonating Frehley for years, so now Frehley should get to impersonate Thayer.

David Costabile as Doc McGhee

He already played the legendary manager in The Dirt. Might as well make this a shared universe.

Stephanie J. Block as Cher

She already played Cher on Broadway, soooooo

Sophie Simmons as Shannon Tweed

Does Sophie Simmons act? Eh, whatever — how hard can it be for her to play her own mother?

Sean Z.’s Bear as Paul Stanley’s Chest Hair

I mean… where the hell else are you gonna get that much hair?

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