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Tommy Lee’s Wife Praises “Revolutionary Fat Burning and Muscle Building Device” Being Used by Vince Neil

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It’s often fun to think about what it would be like to invent time travel, go back in time and get a famous rockstar at the height of their coolness, and then take them forward in time so they can see what they become. What would Ride the Lightening-era Lars Ulrich make of St. Anger-era Lars Ulrich? How much faster would Chris Holmes have quit drinking if he’d been shown Mean Man when he was still in W.A.S.P.? And if the Mötley Crüe that made Theatre of Pain learned that in forty years 1½ of their members would be endorsing Emsculpt Neo®, “a revolutionary non-invasive fat burning and muscle building device that helps trim, strengthen, define, lift and tone your body with incredible ease,” would they all just, like, kill themselves immediately?

The first Crüeman to throw his weight (har har har) behind the glorified Sharper Image product was singer Vince Neil, who in September revealed he’s been using it to get in shape for next summer’s Mötley reunion tour (which will also feature Def Leppard, Poison, and Joan Jett). But in the six weeks since that announcement, Neil has given a number of live performances, and he has continued to sound winded and terrible at all of them (and during the most recent one, he fell off the stage and broke his ribs). So he’s maybe not the best celebrity poster boy for this particular product.

The ½ member of Mötley Crüe praise the device is Brittany Furlan, wife of drummer Tommy Lee. This is almost certainly not what happened, but in my imagination, Emsculpt Neo® called Mötley Mänagement and was like, “You, we gave your guy a bunch of free sessions and he did not live up to his end of the deal, you’ve gotta give us our money back,” and then Mötley Mänagement was like “What if Tommy’s wife also endorses this thing?”, and then Emsculpt Neo® was like “Can’t Tommy do it?”, and then Mötley Mänagement was like “Only for another $X”, and then Emsculpt Neo® was like “Ugh fine get us the wife.”

And so here we are, with Furlan sharing a video of herself using the product, along with this message:

“Ok so here’s my honest review of #EmsculptNeo on the tummy: not painful at all, honestly just feels like you’re laying there and doing crunches (which um, I don’t have to get up or move my body in any way? Yes please!) Apparently 30 minutes is equivalent to 20,000 crunches! Afterwords I felt like I definitely did a serious work out. HIGHLY recommend. Can’t wait to show you guys my 38 pack”

Thing is, Furlan is a terrible spokesperson for this product because, well… she’s already in great shape. When she pans down in this video to show the machine strapped to her belly, said belly is already flat. Look up ‘Brittany Furlan Abs’ on Google. Compare that to a Google image search for ‘Vince Neil Stomach.’ Furlan looks like she already has a 38 pack. Vince is the BEFORE photo; she’s the AFTER photo. So this is like getting Keira Knightley to do ads for SlimFast.

You can view Furlan’s video below.

Mötley Crüe, Def Leppard, Poison, and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts tour dates for 2022:

6/16 – Atlanta, GA @ Suntrust Park [tickets]
6/18 – Miami, FL @ Hard Rock Stadium [tickets]
6/19 – Orlando, FL @ Camping World Stadium [tickets]
6/22 – Washington, DC @ Nationals Park [tickets]
6/24 – Queens, NY @ Citi Field [tickets]
6/25 – Philadelphia, PA @ Citizens Bank Park [tickets]
6/28 – Charlotte, NC @ Bank Of America Stadium [tickets]
6/30 – Nashville, TN @ Nissan Stadium [tickets]
7/2 – Jacksonville, FL @ TIAA Bank Field [tickets]
7/5 – St. Louis, MO @ Busch Stadium [tickets]
7/8 – Chicago, IL @ Wrigley Field [tickets]
7/10 – Detroit, MI @ Comerica Park [tickets]
7/12 – Hershey, PA @ Hershey Park Stadium [tickets]
7/14 – Cleveland, OH @ First Energy Stadium [tickets]
7/15 – Cincinnati, OH @ Great American Ballpark [tickets]
7/17 – Milwaukee, WI @ American Family Field [tickets]
7/19 – Kansas City, MO @ Kauffman Stadium [tickets]
7/21 – Denver, CO @ Coors Field [tickets]
8/5 – Boston, MA @ Fenway Park [tickets]
8/6 – Boston, MA @ Fenway Park [tickets]
8/10 – Buffalo, NY @ New Era Field [tickets]
8/12 – Pittsburgh, PA @ PNC Park [tickets]
8/14 – Minneapolis, MN @ U.S. Bank Stadium [tickets]
8/19 – Houston, TX @ Minute Maid Park [tickets]
8/21 – San Antonio, TX @ Alamodome [tickets]
8/22 – Arlington, TX @ Globe Life Park [tickets]
8/27 – Inglewood, CA @ Sofi Stadium [tickets]
8/28 – San Diego, CA @ Petco Park [tickets]
8/31 – Seattle, WA @ T-Mobile Park [tickets]
9/7 – San Francisco, CA @ Oracle Park [tickets]

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