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Ted Nugent: “Flames Come Out of My Ass Because I Am So Pure”

  • Axl Rosenberg

Congratulations to Skillet’s John Cooper, who no longer said the craziest, stupidest thing you’ll read today.

That honor now goes to warrior-poet Ted Nugent, who recently described his songwriting process thusly:

“People always ask me, ‘So, how do you go about writing a song?’ And let me clarify: I’ve never ‘written’ a song; I’ve never sat down with pen and paper. I always have a guitar handy. I play my guitar every day. And I don’t write songs, I don’t compose songs — I ejaculate them. I play my guitar and my hands find their home on the guitar… I’m a musical monster. I grab the guitar and shit explodes, flames come out of my ass because I am so pure. I have no baggage. I have no inhibitions.

Thing is, the “I don’t compose songs — I ejaculate them” bit actually makes sense. If that was Nugent’s entire metaphor, it’d be like, “Okay, this dude still sucks, but I get what he’s saying.”

But… “flames come out of my ass because I am so pure”? Is… is that a thing? Is that thing that happens? Or even a thing that people say? But… but… but why? Why would being pure make flames come out of your ass? If anything, I’d assume someone whose anus spontaneously combusts to be impure. Right? Otherwise, wouldn’t babies constantly be farting fire? Would anyone even want to be pure if the consequence was a burning ass???

Feel free to try and explain Teddy’s turn of phrase to me in the comments section. I am legitimately baffled by it.

I’ll be over here listening to one of my favorite Mr. Bungle songs.


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