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Satanic Tea Co. Rank Their Teas by How Satanic They Are

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It’s easy to blow off tea as a drink for little old ladies and influencer moms holding mugs with two hands. But Satanic Tea Co. are here to remind you that Satan wants you relaxed. With their various unholy blends, the company has won over the likes of satanic royalty like Cradle of Filth, Cryptopsy, and Bloodbath. Now, the project isn’t just a purveyor of fine teas, but a musical one, with the band’s new single “Blood Drenched Torture Chamber” proving just gore-drenched and misanthropic the band is willing to get.

We decided to ask Satanic Tea Co. to rank their teas according to how satanic they were. Of course, for the project’s svengali Crucifix, there’s more to worshipping Satan than corpsepaint and spikes:

“What makes something ‘Satanic’ to me is in intention that goes into it. A satanist created these tea blends for like minded individuals to enjoy.  And perhaps how much priests blood I can sneak into the curing process (jokes). A big part of Satanism to me is empathy. Empathetic folks wield big satanic energy.  If your racist, homophobic, transphobic, science denier this shit is not for you.  Making loose leaf tea is a very ritualistic process that takes a certain amount of awareness and being in the moment to create the perfect cup of tea. Steep too long or add too much and the tea can be overly bitter and unsatisfying etc. From pouring scorching hot water over the leaves to fueling the debauchery of Satanic Tea Co, tea is a very metal beverage.”

Here’s what the satanic tea leaves said to us:

10. COCONUT CHAI – Chai Blend

Medium Caffeine

Black tea chai blend with added organic coconut shred. No bullshit, massive flavour with an aroma that will have the dead crawling out of their graves for the chance to grab a cuppa.

9. CRUCIFIXION OF CHRIST – Coffee / Tea Hybrid

High Caffeine  

A truly blasphemous blend of sweet vanilla earl grey tea and espresso beans perfect for the coffee addict dipping their toes into the blissful world of tea. Strong black tea with hints of coffee and bergamot creates a devilishly unique sipping experience.

8. THROAT OF LUCIFER – Tisane / Herbal

Peppermint lavender blend – Caffeine Free

Soothing fresh Albertan peppermint and natural anti-inflammatory lavender help aid in the recovery of sore throats and congestion caused by shouting with the Devil.

7. VANILLA EARL GREY – Earl Grey

Medium Caffeine

Crème of earl grey is a staple blend, great for any beginner tea drinker to weathered creeper steeper. Not as basic a brew as the name suggests, one sip of Vanilla Earl Grey will have you possessed!

6. DEVILS BLOOD – English Breakfast

Dani Filth-approved English Breakfast tea – Medium Caffeine

“After a long night of bloodletting and virgin defilement, what better way to perk up one’s morning (your dusk) than a really good brew”

5. BANSHEE BREW – Green Tea Blend (Iced Tea)

Sencha green tea citrus blend with pineapple and hibiscus – High Caffein

Perfect for the scorching hellscape weather that is fast approaching. Great hot and even better on ice.

4. BLACK LAVENDER – Black Tea Blend (Iced Tea)

Black Tea, Lavender, Peppermint & Vanilla – Medium Caffeine

A dark and brooding blend, floral and sweet. If you love desecrating the cross, Black Lavender is for you.

3. ANTICHRIST PUMPKIN SPICED – Pumpkin Spiced

Black Tea, Spiced to perfection – Medium Caffeine

This is the type of brew Jesus was nailed to the cross for. We believe pumpkin spice is for all year round.  Best enjoyed around an Ugg boot dumpster fire.  

2. SATAN’S SLUMBER – Medicinal/Herbal

Chamomile blend w/ valerian, hops and lavender – Caffeine Free

This is a knockout blend, meaning after a cup of Satan’s Slumber you’ll sleeping like the dead in no time. Every ingredient in this delicious earthy herbal blend helps you relax after a long day of Satan Worship.

1. BLOOD DRENCHED TORTURE CHAMBER – Superfood Blend

Chocolate Chai Black Tea Blend w/ Beet Powder – Medium Caffeine

This distinctly blood red brew will have even you thinking you’ve just robbed a blood bank. Sinfully rich in chocolatey flavour, you’ve never experienced a tea like this. Named after our debut single and video streaming everywhere now!

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