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MUSHROOMHEAD AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI

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I don’t wanna talk about Mushroomhead’s music. About that topic, I have nothing to say that the peanut gallery won’t say for me, and was going to say from the moment I wrote the word “Mushroomhead,” regardless of the other words by which it was surrounded.

Instead, I want to think like a Hollywood Marketing Douche and say that as much success as Mushroomhead have enjoyed, I think they would have been even bigger if a casual observer, such as, let’s say, myself, could actually tell these dudes apart.

I know that anonymity is probably supposed to be part of the idea, but the singers show their faces, so that concept is already kinda shot, and come on, get over your stupid Utopian ideals.

I know there’s the dude with the bandana, and the fella with the earphones, and one of them has a hat and goggles (Goggles, guy? Really? To go over the mask, or…?), and, oh look, there’s two dudes with blonde dreads now, but one of them’s a singer so I guess he doesn’t count. Also, I think I read somewhere that one of them calls himself “Pig Benis,” which made me pull a Beavis and Butt-Head.

But I don’t know which one of those dudes is the guitar player, or the bassist, or the drummer, or the whatever the fuck. So now you’re really depending on the unit to get famous — you won’t have a Mustaine or a Maynard or a Pick Your Huge Personality for kids to latch onto. No “Pig Benis” posters hanging on any walls. Probably less likely to get singled out in music dork magazines, too. And kids like to have heroes, you fucking dirty socialists, so join the capitalist American system already and get some masks that don’t all look identical to each other.

Why did I start thinking about this?

Oh, yeah. Mushroomhead’s new album, Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children, is coming out on September 28 on Megaforce. A press release also informs me that there’s a member of the band named “Shmotz.” Shmotz, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I get you on my shirt every day. Please come write a guest column for MetalSucks. You can bring Pig Benis, too.

-AR

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