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Album Review: Chelsea Grin’s Eternal Nightmare is Poetically Awful

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Chelsea Grin are fucking horrible. There is no other way to describe them. So, just like Escapist Magazine’s Yahtzee Croshaw did for his review of Wolfenstein, I have come to the conclusion that Chelsea Grin’s music is so boring and generic that any attempt to write a review of it would be as unreadable as their songs are unlistenable. As such, I have decided to review Eternal Nightmare in limerick form.

There once was a band called Chelsea Grin,
Their music was fucking boring as sin.
They chugged on guitars, the vocals went rawr,
But they just couldn’t write something good.

For album and album they practiced their pitch,
But still just sounded like Whitechapel’s bitch.
But now we’re here with Eternal Nightmare,
And if I could unhear, it I would.

Listening to these tracks
Is like scissoring an axe
And rubbing sea salt in the cut.

It’s definitely better,
Than Never, Forever,
Though so is eating gonorrhea butt.

The problem is simple, they aren’t original,
Any band could do what they do.
The breakdowns are boring like Instagram whoring,
They’re not much better than poo.

But it’s not all bad. It’s mostly just sad.
They have a new vocalist who’s swell.
Despite Tom Barber, they don’t go any harder.
I’d still rather vacation in Hell.

But I’ll be objective, or at least I’ll try,
To be not such a negative guy.
It’s their best album, and saying that pains us,
Because it’s still just audio of taste buds in your anus.

The last few songs actually aren’t too bad,
“Nobody Listened” is kind of rad.
But it doesn’t make up for years of musical smut,
That emo kids use to cut.

Eternal Nightmare isn’t as bad as I thought,
Chelsea Grin didn’t write this for naught.
But ripping guitar tones from The Acacia Strain,
Tells us all you don’t have a brain.
Because even Gravebloom was at least okay.

My final word should not surprise,
If this far down did make your eyes.
This album feels like breaking your shin.
So go fuck yourselves, Chelsea Grin,
Please just go away.

Chelsea Grin’s Eternal Nightmare drops July 13 via Rise Records. You can watch Chelsea Grin splash around in puddles like toddlers to their single “Hostage”, and you can pre-order the album here. You could also put dry ice in your rectum for a better experience.

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