Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell is Vince going to argue that Bon Jovi weren’t a hair metal band? Look at those guys! They’re the biggest poofty poofters of all time.” And you’d be right about all of things excepts for one: in order to be classified as hair metal, Bon Jovi would have to have been — or even aspired to be — a heavy metal band, when in fact they were just ordinary New Jersey dudebros playing pop. Pop in rock form with distorted guitars. Let’s call it hair pop.

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Well, no, not really.

The reliably hilarious Cracked sometimes holds these really excellent Photoshop contests; their latest asked readers to create rejected versions of famous album covers. A lot of the entries had nothing to do with metal, but a few of ‘em did – like these:

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I’ve never seen Rock of Ages, the “Broadway smash!” jukebox musical that incorporates (recycles) old hair metal and hair metal-friendly songs into what Variety tells me is the story of “two people who meet at the Sunset Strip club Rock of Ages, fall in love and try to stay together.” But I’m assuming it’s awful. I mean, on the one hand, if you’re gonna suffer through a Broadway musical, I understand the appeal of said musical at least featuring songs by Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister; but on the other hand, no I don’t.

ANYWAY, I mention all of this because Variety also tells me that Adam Shankman is going to be directing a feature film version of this show. Shankman presumably landed the job because he directed the movie of the musical of the movie Hairspray and the studio execs in charge needed 110% assurance that whomever they hired would do nothing original or creative whatsoever. He’s also directed such masterpieces as Bringing Down the House (Queen Latifah shows Steve Martin his inner brother), The Pacifier (Vin Diesel wears a tutu), and Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

Christ. They couldn’t even get the dickhead who directed the first Cheaper by the Dozen.

Rock of Ages has given the world one true gift, however – Bret Michaels getting whacked in the head at the Tony Awards:

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Even if Kurt Cobain didn’t mind being used as an avatar in Guitar Hero 5, I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t want to be used to sing Bon Jovi or Bush – even if it’s only virtual. Isn’t Bon Jovi exactly the kind of band that went against everything Cobain stood for? And Bush… that’s exactly the kind of god-awful shit-fuck wanna-be grunge band that Cobain accidentally inspired, and I’m sure either hated (if he was aware of them before his death) or would have hated (if he wasn’t aware of them before his death).

I’m not even that big a Cobain fan – but you just know that he’d be pissed at Courtney for letting them do this. What a crock.

-AR

[via Topless Robot]

There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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I haven’t watched any of Sam Kinison’s old stand-up in years, so I have no idea how his work holds up – but when I was a younger, I thought he was just about the funniest human being that had ever lived, and when he died, I was really, really upset about it.

I heard recently that HBO is making a TV movie about Kinison’s life – which is why I was thinking about him again – and I suddenly remembered Kinison’s video for his cover of “Wild Thing.”

Today the video seems vastly inferior to Brian Posehn’s “Metal by Numbers,” because a) that song is actually about metal, b) that song isn’t a cover, and c) that song doesn’t have Tommy Lee in its video. But at the time, this clip was the shit – I mean, in addition to the aforementioned Lee, it also features Slash, Billy Idol, Richie Sambora, members of Aerosmith and Ratt, and Jessica Hahn’s tits.

-AR

When this video came out I thought it was the absolute shit. Actually I still think it’s the shit, and was reminded of this fact when it came on the radio in a cab on my recent jaunt to the Dominican Republic with metalgf. I mean, those mountain guitar-hero shots of Richie Sambora (hit 3:45 for the guitar solo) — fucking epic! Second only to Slash’s epic solo in the “November Rain” vid, natch. But what I love about videos like this is that they give the appearance that bands record all at once in a room together with their vocalist, an MTV-fostered notion I fully bought until some time in college when I got into a real recording studio and realized how it was done. Also, say what you will about Richie Sambora but the dude’s guitar licks have always been fucking tasty, on display here with his little “fills” between Jon Bon’s lines in the verses. Also, the dude shtupped Heather Locklear and Denise Richards. Respect.

-VN

Our friend Allyson over at Bring Back Glam points out that today is the 20th anniversary of Bon Jovi’s hair metal masterpiece New Jersey. I’d be lying if I said I never got drunk and did a karaoke version of “Bad Medicine,” so, to commemorate the event, here is Bon Jovi playing “Bad Medicine” live in 1989.

Richie Sambora, if you’re reading this: love those pants, duder.

-AR

From Cracked.com, via MetalGF:

#24: Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora
They Are:
Founding members of Bon Jovi.

They Look Like:
They found a career resurgence as Le Tigre.

#14: Peter Criss
He Is:
Musician. Drummer in bottom-feeding glam rock group.

Looks Like:
A collector of cat memorabilia.

I can’t say I agree with the “bottom-feeding” part of #14, but alas, this shit is funny. For the rest of the Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians [feat. Don Imus, Roger Ebert, Rick James, Dana Carvey and others], visit Cracked.com.

-VN

Yes, you read that headline correctly: There will be a third season of Rock of Love, and it will star the Bon Jovi guitarist in place of the Poison vocalist.

I somehow find this news troubling; I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m almost certainly gonna watch, but I had no idea that Sambora was as big a scumbag as Michaels. Isn’t this really the kind of thing more fit for, I dunno, like a Vince Neil or a Kip Winger or at least a Jani Lane? I mean, wasn’t Sambora married to Heather Locklear not that long ago? Wasn’t he just shtupping Denise Richards like a year ago? Doesn’t he already get all the tabloid attention he can handle? Or has the weight of living in Jon Bon’s shadow all these years really just proven to be too much for him?

No word on when this car wreck will film/air, but here’s hoping it will be on VH1 in time for the TV doldrums of summer.

-AR

UPDATE: Idolator says that VH1 says that this isn’t true. So there’s still hope for Jani Lane after all!!!

Long before the likes of Dillinger Escape Plan and All Shall Perish were doing it, Cinderella made spinning your guitar around your back cool. Ah, who am I kidding, it always was, still is, and will always be cool. As is having Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora do a cameo in your video.

If only someone had told my 10 year-old self that you need a wireless unit to perform the guitar spinning trick correctly, I would’ve been spared much befuddlement and wire tangles as a youth.

-VN

[Thanks to MetalSucks die-hard TTquick for the tip.]

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