The Glenn Danzig legend has taken on a life of its own. There are so many good Danzig stories on an ongoing basis we may as well just create an MS category singularly devoted to the man himself — bam! Retroactively updated, natch.

Take a look at this one before Glenn’s army of zombie lawyers shuts it down: someone has created a fake Yelp profile for Glenn Danzig, and the results are exactly as hilarious as you might image. At least we think it’s fake, but we admit that his profile is mighty convincing (Hometown: “Hell.” Things I Love: “Murder.” When I’m Not Yelping: “Get that fucking camera out of my face.”).

Glenn “The Zen Master” D seems to reside in Austin, TX — 16 of the 20 reviews he’s posted are in or around Texas’s best city — but a review of The Waffle in Hollywood posted earlier today indicates a possible timely trip to NAMM and a typically grumpy disposition:

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Ever wonder what Slayer’s rider looks like? Well, now we have the answers: The Most Metal Metal Band of All Time apparently loves Gogurt, Bowflex, Hogan’s Heroes, hand sanitizer, and hand satanizer.

And the craziest part about this document is that it’s apparently 100% real — Transmission Entertainment is the company that puts on FunFunFun Fest, at which Slayer appeared this year. AND the band apparently sent it out BEFORE Danzig had his little bitch fit at the fest, so it’s not yet another example of Slayer having fun at Danzig’s expense.

That being said, we can safely assume that it’s meant as a joke. We hope.

Check it out below… click to enlarge:

In other news, Slayer are still cooler than every other band in the Big Four combined.

-AR

[via Hard Rock Chick by way of Corey Mitchell]

So, hey, remember how Danzig acted like a real douche at Fun Fun Fun Fest this past weekend ’cause he didn’t get a bowl of French onion soup?

Well, Slayer — who also played the festival — have never been above a little good ol’ fashioned shit talking in the press, and I guess they decided to have some fun at Glenn’s expense. ‘Cause they posted the below photo on their Facebook page, along with the caption “Great show tonight @FunFunFunFest got everything we needed.”

Bravo, Slayer. Bra-fuckin’-vo.

-AR

Additional reporting by Antonin Skullia, Esq.

 A couple weeks back, your bros at MetalSucks ran an epic, multi-day feature entitled “Defending Danzig,” in which we looked at several of Danzig’s dubious distinctions and questionable judgment calls from over the years, then judged them. Our conclusion at the time? While he’s not beyond reproach, at least Danzig gets off his ass and does something, so don’t hate the player — hate the game.

But those were simpler times.

At this weekend’s Fun Fun Fun Fest in Texas, Danzig revealed himself as a jive turkey whose conduct was way the fuck beyond defensible.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. And it all ends today. Click here for Part One: Misfortune. Click here for Part Two: Music. Click here for Part Three: Misfits.)

The problem with being an iconic musician: People start to pay attention to what you do outside the recording studio, beyond the stage. And if you’re popular long enough, next thing you know, people are hanging on your every word, and you can’t make it to the store and back without creating some kind of controversy.

Since he transitioned from a charting major-label act to heritage artist, some of Danzig’s most infamous incidents haven’t had anything to do with his music.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. (Click here for Part One: Misfortune. Click here for Part Two: Music.)

Danzig has had a helluva run,  but the Misfits is his one truly iconic band, from its enduringly popular graphics to its all-killer-no-filler catalog, which started as catchy punk songs and eventually influenced heavy metal at its highest levels.

The group’s sordid saga is one of rock’s great Behind The Music stories, but for today’s Defending Danzig discussion, let’s decide whether the Misfits achieved their full potential, or whether it’s just another shoulda-woulda-coulda band.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. (Click here for Part One: Misfortune.)

Danzig is, of course, a musician. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to debate whether he can fight or what kind of neighbor he is. Today, let’s look at the only thing that should matter: his art.

Over the course of 35 years, Danzig has topped the Billboard classical chart, written for country icon Johnny Cash, and penned a punk anthem that Guns N’ Roses covered. But rather than celebrate his diverse ability, contingents of diehard fans still heatedly debate the merits of his wide-ranging catalog.

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Glenn Danzig gets a lot of shit.

The singer-songwriter is probably the most diverse talent to emerge from the old-school hardcore scene. He wrote the lyrics and music to practically all the awesome songs from the Misfits, Samhain and Danzig. And when his backing bands weren’t executing his vision in the studio, Danzig would step in and perform plenty of the tracks.

Think about that: Could Greg Ginn have put together an entire Black Flag album himself? Could guitar prodigy Brian Baker have recorded an entire Minor Threat record? Ian MacKaye and Roger Miret are legendary frontmen, but just listen to Misfits songs like “Vampira” and “Death Comes Ripping” — as a hardcore singer, Danzig was without peer. And look what he did after his salad days.

Both of Danzig’s Black Aria albums crashed the Billboard Classical Music top ten (the first took the No. 1 spot). He wrote tunes for Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison. He penned two of the last four truly mandatory Metallica songs. Guns N’ Roses covered one of his many classics.

And what does that get him? A lifetime’s deluge of haterade.

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(Click to enlarge Danzig’s bricks.)

Fucking Glenn Danzig, man. The guy has basically become an Internet meme unto himself, a near pop-culture hero.

Did Danzig really clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch??? Does he actually own cats or is he just fucking with us? Does the man know he’s become a living legend / laughing stock? Did Danzig himself orchestrate this campaign in protest??!

This much we know for certain: Danzig and his motherfucking bricks, bitch, inspired an art installation at Funhouse Detroit, a “fun art” gallery located in the Russell Industrial Center in, duh, Detroit. The installation was built by Erichka Ilich, who offered this description via her blog:

The ["bricks, bitch"] IM conversation above was made into a stencil, and spray painted directly on the wall. On the opposing side of Danzig’s Pile of Bricks, we had the infamous video (cut down, and muted) of Danzig being punched in the face on a continuous loop. Like, four straight hours of Danzig getting punched in the face…over, and over, and over…

A++++++ WDBWA!

I hope some MS readers living in the Detroit area go and see Danzig’s motherfucking bricks, bitch, in person.

-VN

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

As the killer gatefold above indicates, August’s Decibel (order here) presents an in-depth exploration of the bond between extreme music and extreme comics. Nick Green busted his ass to deliver multiple hilarious and informative profiles on the industry’s most brutally creative psychos. Today, in the interest of giving you a little cutting room floor action, here’s a quick Q&A with cover artist Tom Neely, of Henry & Glenn Forever infamy.

You submitted a variety of ideas for the Scott Ian cover. How did you settle upon the imagery you created for the foldout?

The only guideline I was given was that it had to include Scott Ian. Which, as much as I love Anthrax, was more difficult than I thought, because I don’t often make art that involves actual living people. I sketched out five or six ideas that I presented to Jamie [Leary, head designer] and Albert [Mudrian, editor in chief]. They picked my second favorite, which was actually my first sketch, and I think it ended up being the best idea overall.

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The very much NSFW Danzig video (which the man himself apparently co-directed), “Ju Ju Bone,” features enough silicone to fashion a new spatula for Devin Townsend. Somehow while watching it I got distracted and was not actually paying attention to the lyrics of the song, so I don’t know if fake boobs are somehow thematically relevant to its content, or if Danzig is really just plum out of ways to get attention. Either way, though, I promise you that if you are twelve years old, have never before seen a breast that wasn’t about to feed you, and don’t know how to use the internet, this video will supply you with an erection.

“Ju Ju Bone” on Danzig’s latest, Deth Red Sabaoth, which is out now.

-AR

Here’s a problem I know we’ve all had from time to time.

So, you’re trying to weigh something. And, yeah yeah yeah, you know how many kilos it is, or how many liters it is, or whatever — but what you really need to know is, “How many Danzigs is that?” And then you have to break out your calculator and try to remember the Danzig Conversion Formula you learned in junior high school and it’s all just so annoying, right?

Well, no longer! Thanks to the incredible new website What’s That in Danzigs?, you can now convert various units of weight measurement (but not pounds, because FUCK YOU AMERICA) into Danzigs. For example, I typed in my own weight in kilos, and guess what?

Sad for me. I can just hear Glenn muttering: “I crap bigger than you.”

Reader Charles Atwood tipped off both us and our friends at Metal Insider about this site (I guess Charlie really wanted to see his name in lights! And by lights, I mean “on multiple heavy metal websites!”), and MI’s Bram Teitelman figured out a way cooler sample to provide his reader. Go here to check it out. Then go here to start converting shit into Danzig — the only system of measurement that matters.

-AR

If they weren’t laughing with me, okay; if they want to laugh at me, it’s better than nothing.

– Peter Steele, 1962-2010

As far as I can tell, it was easy to laugh with Peter Steele. It seems like he invariably got the chuckling started himself; his companions merely could wait and watch, then break into laughter whether they wanted to or not. I get the same feeling watching his interviews. His joke might be brutally self-deprecating, but you laugh with a knitted brow. His remark might disregard standards of good taste or social sensitivity; you choke down tee-hees while scanning your proximity for aghast eavesdroppers. Or maybe he drops a bad pun or a hoary old uncle joke, causing you to mingle groans with guffaws.

We laughed at Peter, too. Once he, like, totally frenched an admirer on stage at The Ricki Lake Show. At the final stop of Type O Negative’s tour with Pantera, he instigated a multiple body pile-up on stage during a song. He inadvertently made it so that his bandmates would forever be asked to autograph pictures of his nude body. Only Peter.

In the first installment of our salute to Peter Steele, his friends, family, and bandmates talked to MetalSucks about their relationships with Peter, his modesty and talents, his genuine respect for fans, and his new commitment to a healthy life. In our conclusion, recurrent themes include the painful timing of his death and the future that could have been. Consider it: At one moment, Peter was poised to relocate to Staten Island to commence work on new Type O music; the next moment, he had gone and his surviving bandmates were left to contemplate a future without him. At one moment, his family was awaiting his return from Pennsylvania; the next, so began life in a world filled with little reminders of their special big man. At one moment, we had our laughs with and at Peter; the next moment, as he was dying far from his home and his family, we knew to expect no further fun and games from him. Then again, he might be laughing at us right now.

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Okay, so first of all, GOD BLESS METAL INJECTION for finding this amazing IM conversation between some dude and some other dude who is allegedly Danzig’s neighbor. Obviously it could be total bullshit, BUT OMG IT HAS TO BE TRUE RIGHT?!?!

Second of all, what the fuck has happened to Glenn Danzig? Was he always a total nutjob, or has this just happened in the past ten years? Between the North Side Kings thing and the doctor thing and the conspiracy theory thing and the cat food thing, I just don’t know how to take him seriously anymore; he’s like the really hostile senile dude at the old folks’ home who keeps yelling at all the nurses for no apparent reason. I’m about ready to add him to this ever-growing list.

-AR

Steven Blush’s American Hardcore: A Tribal History is one of the great rock n’ roll history books. And now it’s bigger. Originally published in 2001, the Feral House book nails the golden age of old-school hardcore, from the movement’s inception to the watershed year 1986. The book inspired a documentary, the 2006 film American Hardcore. The movie is a must-see that has inspired as much griping and controversy as the book.

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Anyone who was unfortunate enough to have well-meaning-yet-clueless relatives knows the feeling of disappointment. After weeks of anticipation, staring at the shiny boxes under the Christmas tree and wondering what’s inside, you eagerly tear open your presents. What lies inside? GI Joes? Transformers?? A BB gun? A new Nintendo?!? Mind racing and adrenaline pumping, you open the first box and are brutally assaulted by reality: your hippie uncle got you some handmade, wooden train from his recent trip to Chile. And it only gets worse — grandma gave you a subscription to Highlights, and mom got you enough socks and underwear to last you through high school. Dejected, you retreat to your bedroom and pout while thinking about all the awesome presents the other kids must have gotten.

This is the same feeling I got all too often as a young metal fan in the late 80s/early 90s. Back then, without the internet, finding new bands was a real crapshoot — you really never knew what you were in for when you bought a new record unless you manged to catch them on Headbanger’s Ball. You did the best you could with what you had, but it wasn’t much to go on. Time and time again I was tricked by a cool logo, sweet cover art, or a name that sounded brutal — what I thought was going to be ass-ripping thrash or hardcore turned out to be dreadful hard rock, third-rate speed metal, or limp-wristed art rock. I tried so hard to be positive and enjoy the album that I had squandered my $8 on, but I just couldn’t do it.

In no particular order, here are a few of the dozens upon dozens of bands who I tried to like, but simply could not. What are yours??

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I can’t think of anything clever to say right now, so I’m just gonna leave to my homies, Ozzy and Forest:

Here’s what we did this week:

• Veil of Maya’s Marc Okubo gave us our first Legacy Tour diary, Intronaut’s Sacha Dunable gave us a lesson in why Californians should have voted to legalize weed, and The Red Chord’s Greg Weeks gave MetalSucks readers a chance to write about the NFL themselves for once.
• We debuted new music by The Secret.
• We spoke to Dredg’s Gavin Hayes, Enslaved’s Ivar Bjørnson, and Nails’ Todd Jones.
• We checked out new releases by Masters of Reality and Colombian Necktie.
• We kicked off the arguing regarding the best albums of 2010.
• We wondered, “Which is better, death metal or black metal?”
• We also wondered if we should like Mogwai.
• We regretted learning about Gump-core.
• We watched a chick shred some Faceless.
• We tried to find a stage big enough to hold Glenn Danzig’s ego.

Have nice weekend everybody. See ya Monday.

-AR

On Tuesday night we got an e-mail from reader Taylor Carik, letting us know that he and a friend had gone to see Danzig at the Cabooze in Minneapolis earlier in the evening — only for Danzig to cancel the show at the last minute, “saying he didn’t like the venue.” Apparently the other bands on the tour played anyway, though — Taylor also told us that “Moduk was alright, too, for corpse paint.” And I know I should have immediately done some research to see if Danzig had, indeed, cancelled a gig because he didn’t like a venue, but I didn’t. I was far too interested in finding out who Moduk were. Corpse paint that can actually play music? That’s amazing! It takes the musicians who usually wear the corpse paint right out of the equation! IT COULD BE A REVOLUTION IN BLACK METAL!!! No longer would corpse paint be beholden to some asshole to make its art.

But while I was busy trying to track down this magical corpse paint, we got another e-mail, from a reader calling himself “Why Hate Abigail Williams?” (to which I can only reply, “Because they blow goats and like it?”), pointing us towards this report regarding the Danzig cancellation in question:

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Why am I writing this week’s “Worst Week” entirely in questions? Could it be to irritate you? Or am I just trying to keep myself amused at the end of the week?

Did you know we asked some other questions this week?

• Was Sergeant D. kidding when he said that there are only two good songs in Reign in Blood?
• Why did Dimmu Borgir change their album art post-release?
• What’s the big deal about Volbeat?
• Is Glenn Danzig actually perfectly reasonable?
• Is there anything better than a Devin Townsend show?
• Can Ozzy restore your sanity?

And have you asked yourself these questions as well?

• Did you know that we debuted new music by The Ocean, Dukatalon, and Gozu?
• Did you read Anso’s chat with Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet?
• Is Oderus’ advice column worse than Vinnie Paul’s? Do you agree with Doc Coyle’s assessments on the issue of European metal versus American metal? Do you find, as Eyal Levi does, that creative prison is for pussies? Is Greg Weeks imagining it, or does it smell like poop and onions right now?
• Did you buy the new album from Dallas Coyle’s Genetic? You know the money goes to cancer research, right?

Are you worried that I’ll still be doing this on Monday? Do you think I care?

-AR