This doesn’t really have anything to do with metal, but I found it kinda funny so I’m running with it.

A Scottish band called Found has released what is, at least as far as I’m aware, the first-ever edible 7″ — more specifically, a 7″ made from chocolate. According to Badass Digest‘s Devin Faraci  (who came up with a headline far superior to my own):

“The first attempt was to pour chocolate over a pressed record, but the music created by the chocolate record was backwards. Instead they poured chocolate into the record mold, and presto, an edible single.”

I don’t know nearly enough about, like, science n’ shit to understand how this could possibly work, or what the band’s fans are supposed to do if they actually wanna keep the record, be it because they like the music, or because they think it’s gonna be a collector’s item, or whatever. (How easily would this thing melt? You’d have to at least keep it refrigerated, I’d imagine.)

I would, however, like to suggest that metal bands start trying this gimmick to sell their own shit. Of course, they would not necessarily have to use to chocolate. Here are some examples of what I think would be good cuisine-to-band matches:

Click to read more…

Am I high or is it weird that in 2011 nobody touts the first two Skid Row records as mega-masterpieces? What has undermined lasting renown? Is it that those jams are too heavy for radio listeners and not aggro enough for metal fans? Did major line-up changes doom them to be written off (except for the three enduring singles)? Is it Sebastian Bach’s fault? Is the rest of the band too stubborn and unambitious? Really, has there been a more compelling, awesome, and fearless heavy rock record since? Help me figure this out?

To me, it’s not a problem per se that one-time Skid Row vocalist Sebastian Bach is a huge jackass. One, his all-time top ten singing chops justify extreme arrogance and render decency unnecessary; two, reality TV and morning radio has immunized us all to dunderheads of Bach’s type. So fans are over it, right? Yet it’s still possible that Bach’s exhausting bimbo-ism has quieted the global and unanimous mega-acclaim that Skid Row deserves. How?

Think about it: Is it not Bach-related acrimony among the members of Skid Row that hamstrings their legacy-building? No reunion tours, no massive retrospectives, no anniversary celebrations. No documentaries, no tribute albums, no peer buzz. It’s probably Bach’s spaztardation that makes these things impossible. Click to read more…

Okay so that’s not a direct quote, but still.

Last week I expressed some disappointment that everyone in Mötley Crüe and Poison seems to be getting along in advance of their upcoming summer tour, with Nikki Sixx apparently even going so far as to apologize to Bret Michaels for derogatory comments he had made about Poison in the past — y’know, like when he called Poison “fake bullshit” and declared that The Crüe “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison.”

But guess what? As it turns out — shock of shocks — either Michaels is a liar or delusional, or Sixx is a liar or just an asshole. ‘Cause now Nikki has taken to Twitter to assure the world that, no, he never apologized for his comments:

Click to read more…

An Open Letter to Mötley Crüe and Poison

Dear Members of Mötley Crüe and Poison,

Okay so look. Vince and I already have our tickets to your big summer tour with the New York Dolls. You have our money. You won that fight. It’s over.

So the least you could do is make the tour fucking entertaining. And, no, I don’t mean by playing “Live Wire” and “Ride the Wind” or whatever. I mean, you’re gonna play those songs, but that’s a given.

No no no no no no no. What we really, really want here is some DRAMA. Some FEUDING between the bands. You’re Mötley Crüe and Poison, fer cryin’ out loud! You chase trends. Star on reality shows. Contract and spread diseases. Release terrible records. This tour is not supposed to be some huge love fest. It’s supposed to be a total shit show.

Which is why I’m really pissed that, thus far, you seem to be getting along. You’re doing talk shows together. And now Bret Michaels says that Nikki Sixx has even apologized for the comments he and other members of The Crüe have made about Poison — y’know, the ones where they called Poison “fake bullshit,” swore that they “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” and even yelled at a fan over Twitter for suggesting such a heinous concept. According to Mr. Rock of Love:

Click to read more…

It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page…

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

Click to read more…

The challenge for tireless bullshitters like Nikki Sixx, Max Cavalera, Dave Mustaine, Steven Tyler, and Sammy Hagar is overcoming audience immunity. Know what I mean? With every distorted remembrance and self-aggrandizing observation, the shit-talker’s would-be customers (i.e. us) build a resistance to his line of artlessly cloaked sales-speak and attention-mongering. So the leg-puller succumbs to the tugging urge to ramp up the bullshit, to swing bigger and more wildly, in his quest for exposure for a crappy book, charmless side project, or half-assed clothing line. The result? Boldly false accusations, misremembered details, poorly-veiled disses, and … well, and everything Mustaine ever says. Bullshit.

Which is fine. Cuz we don’t admire musicians for their devotion to perspective and modesty (except Devin Townsend lovvvve youuuuuu). But in the case of Sixx, grand champion of public self-worship, it might be necessary to stage an intervention; the Motley Crue bassist, who spent a few years using heroin and a few decades telling the world about it, might lose a jaw bone for all his recent ShamWow-style jabbering about Crue albums that no one will buy (Saints of Los Angeles limped to gold sales status), his new photography book (lulz meet me in the quad later, stud), and the next tour to be ruined by fat-ass Vince Neil this summer with Poison. All that blabbing! His tongue must be raw with abrasions, his lips nearly flapped right off his face. He can’t stop and he needs help!

But I might be wrong. Shit, just maybe Sixx is speaking the truth and I can’t handle it. So when impartiality is key, when neutrality is a necessity, when there are cold, hard facts to be parsed from dumb, dishonest bullshit, we wheel in the always reliable MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000. Time is of the essence if Sixx is to be saved from himself and, eventually, from gaffer-tape wielding music journalists. Go, Translate-Bot 3000, go! Click to read more…

I don’t know why, but I’ve had John Corabi on the brain recently. Maybe it’s ’cause Corey just wrote about the poor dude? I dunno. But last night I realized I’d never seen any footage of him performing live with Mötley Crüe during his brief tenure with the band, and went looking on YouTube for said footage. I found some okay bootlegs (“Hooligan’s Holiday,” “Dr. Feelgood,” “Home Sweet Home”), and it looks like Corabi was actually doing a pretty good job — which isn’t really surprising. The one eponymous album Corabi made with the band is actually pretty good, even if it was pretty much damned right from the get go.

More interesting, though, is this footage I stumbled upon of Corabi and the The Crüe rehearsing. It’s professionally filmed, although for what, I have no idea, and it’s been on YouTube since 2008, so I’m kinda surprised that no one ever sent it to me before. But I love this kinda shit. I mean, I’m obviously never going to rehearse with Mötley Crüe, so this is a pretty interesting look into that process. It’s fun to see how these guys actually interact with one another, y’know? (My favorite part might be Mick Mars getting pissy become a tech scuffed the floor. Seriously.) Plus, it turns out Tommy Lee was always retarded, if that’s news to you.

More after the jump!

Click to read more…

Here’s an interesting excerpt from a recent interview with Sammy Hagar that was conducted by Forbes, your leading source for rock and metal news:

“I was asked at one time to be in Mötley Crüe. I was asked at one time to be in Pantera by their mangers. I was asked to be in Velvet Revolver when Scott Weiland quit and went back to the Stone Temple Pilots. I was waiting to be asked to be in Led Zeppelin to say no, since they were the greatest band on earth and no could replace Robert Plant. I was asked to be in Aerosmith and I said no. Certain bands and certain front man singers are more difficult to replace than others. Steven Tyler and that band have stayed together for forty years and you don’t to walk into something like that. They had one moment years ago, when they replaced Joe Smith, but it’s still always been Steven at the front of Aerosmith. You don’t replace that. When I came into Van Halen, it was easy because Dave wasn’t a great singer, but he was a good front man. In those times, I was selling out the same arena’s they were so it was like the combination of two forces and it worked but it’s a rare thing. We were all lucky that the fans accepted it and it got bigger. I would avoid bands that are going to break up pretty soon.”

Click to read more…

Because Vince and I are lazy asses, we did not do any interviews on the Black Carpet at the Revolver Golden Gods Awards last week. In fact, I think we were both already kinda drunk by the time the whole thing started. So, yeah, Joan Rivers we ain’t.

But don’t be sad, ’cause our bro-bros at Metal Injection did rock the Black Carpet — in fact, on-camera personality Rob Pasbani even wore a shiny silver coat, which, I shit you not, was the hit of the party. (The amount of compliments he got on the thing was absurd.) And, as usual, the video report they’ve filed from the event is super-lulzy. Highlights include learning the hard way that Volbeat are good at sarcasm (Rob: “What kind of performance can we expect from you guys?” Volbeat: “A musical performance.”), Sebastian Bach practicing his future routine for stand-up in the Catskills (Baz, upon being asked to do a bumper for MI: “I don’t do bumps anymore.”), and Vince Neil proving that he is still the greatest interview subject in all of metaldom (Rob: “I feel like you guys are the definitive L.A. band.” Vince Neil: “Well, we’re from L.A.”).

Continuing in the tradition of last year’s awkward Metal Injection-Black Carpet screen cap, you can click the below still of Sasha Grey checking out Rob’s delicious ass to watch the entire report.

-AR

I remember rushing home one day in 2000 with a copy of the self-titled debut of Text, a post-Refused project by three of its former members. Refused had imploded a couple years earlier (bummer), their singer Dennis Lyxzsén and his (International) Noise Conspiracy had released a snore album of middling hipster rock (more like [International] House of Pancakes), and holy shit I was desperate for more jamz a la Refused’s masterpiece The Shape Of Punk To Come (weren’t we all?). I was sweating as I loaded the CD.

Well, this story ends sadly cuz the Text album is egghead coffeehouse jive, not razor-sharp, secret-staircase art punk like Refused. Which is fine. Whatever. Since then, (I)NC mustered a few tasty jamz (like this), Text snuck out a mini-release, and Lyxzsén paired with ex-Refused drummer/Text nerd David Sandström in AC4. And now, following several unflattering covers of “New Noise,” rumors of a Refused reunion, and an anniversary reissue of Shape, it’s come to light that Lyxzsén’s voice will next be heard alongside the guy from Methods of Mayhem. Buzzkill! From Tommy Lee’s twitter:

Click to read more…

Long-time readers of MetalSucks are fully aware of my lifelong obsession with Mötley Crüe. Okay, it was more like a two-year love affair, at least until I discovered Terry Glaze-fronted Pantera, Metallica, and the English Dogs.

I have ruined any chances of running for public office by openly displaying my dress-up capabilities as both Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx on this wonderful publication. I have reviewed the band’s concerts here, as well as their books (and books, and books).

My pathetic one-sided man crush was shattered on December 8, 1984, when lead singer Vince Neil vehicularly manslaughtered 24-year-old Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, while driving his Pantera to a liquor store in Redondo Beach, California, to pick up some booze. Interestingly enough, that was the same exact moment the band’s music began to completely suck. Hard.

That brings us to modern day Mötley Crüe and their upcoming co-headlining summer tour with metal stalwarts Poison **hack** and glam rock pioneers the New York Dolls. According to Blabbermouth, Crüe bassist and de facto leader Nikki Sixx claims that the band’s fans “demanded” that they take Poison out on the road. MetalSucks co-head honcho Axl Rosenberg, of course, is much wiser than Sixx gives him credit.

Click to read more…

I am very excited to take over the controls of the mighty MetalSucks Mansion today and Wednesday from my Texas-based satellite office!

Up first, an incredible, ass-kicking new video from the mighty Canadian metal purists 3 Inches of Blood that’s full of…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

Click to read more…

RoCkStArBaSs100 introduces himself to the internet. He loves metal — anything from Rob Zombie to Children of Bodom to Dio. Also, he plays bass — at first he thought that he couldn’t actually play it for you in this video because it’s too loud and his parents will scold him, although he eventually gets bold enough to bust out “Holy Diver” for you.

A lot of metal fans take themselves really seriously, so I think it’s cool that RoCkStArBaSs100 does some silly, tongue-in-cheek videos like this one where he announces that he is a “Professor In Metalology.” In the banter segment, he mentions that he rearranged his room and warns against reading The Dirt because it “talks about a lot of bad stuff.”

Click to read more…

In Wisconsin, it’s in ink on everybody’s schedule to hit the local polling place today and vote against the hateful, friendless jerks who became politicians in order to hoard all basic ingredients of good living (like this little turd did). While some rage against harmful idiocy, everybody else can engage in harmless idiocy but just heading to a local computer machine to vote in Steel Panther’s Shocker Contest. To win, one lucky fanther will have landed the most likes (here on the band’s book of facing) for the best Shocker-themed fan pic (like above).

In other Steel Panther news, a wobbly, waddling Vince Neil joined the band onstage Saturday in Las Vegas to um perform Motley Crue hits “Live Wire” and “Kickstart My Heart” (video here). The only thing funnier than Neil’s wheezy warbling in the former is Panther guitarist Satchel’s three-point inspection of Neil’s sexy companions during the latter. Nah, check that. Vince Neil’s scramble to not suck is way funnier.

-ADF

Steel Panther is currently in the studio at work on a follow-up to 2009 year’s best metal album, Feel The Steel.

Hey, remember how Vince Neil assaulted his ex in Vegas last week? (Sorry, I’m supposed to say “allegedly assaulted” his ex.) Well, now the dude — who has nothing if not chutzpah — is claiming that said ex, future-Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Alicia Jacobs, actually assaulted him. And TMZ has the photo to prove it:

Uh… is that real? It looks like someone just sprinkled some ketchup on his arm. I’ve had paper cuts that looked more damaging.

Click to read more…

There was a brief moment when I was a kid first being introduced to glam during which I could not tell Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille apart for some reason. And at this point, Motley Crue and Poison are equally ridiculous — and now they’re touring together, too. So I’m just gonna put all the emerging news concerning both bands in one big heap after the jump. I’m sure of the five of you who still care won’t mind.

And so:

Click to read more…

IF SOMEONE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN I WILL HAVE A UTERUS SURGICALLY INSTALLED IN MY OWN BODY AND HAVE YOUR BABY.

-AR

You’d think with all the shit talking and back tracking Nikki Sixx has been doing about this whole Motley Crue/Poison tour, putting him in a room with Bret Michaels to do some terrible morning television (because Motley Crue and Poison fans are now so old that the media outlet they are most likely to get their rock news from is a morning show) would an awful idea. And by “awful,” I mean for those poor bastards. You’d think it would be a great idea for us drama enthusiasts.

But no. Sixx and Michaels have been making the morning show rounds, and not only do they appear to be getting along, but they are about as exciting a comedy team as Death and Taxes. I mean, holy shit, are these interviews boring. The only thing even remotely interesting about them is the fact that Michaels is now more media-savvy than Sixx. Sixx’s exploits with Kat Von D. have kept him in the tabloids, but Rock of Love, Celebrity Apprentice, the Tony Awards, Miley Cyrus, and a giant middle finger to the desires of The Almighty have made Michaels famous in a much bigger way — a “Sheesh even my grandmother knows who Bret Michaels is” kinda way — and he’s gotten good at giving these very bland talk show interviews.

ANYWAY, if you do wanna watch these, here’s the video I prefer, if for no other reason than because I thought the lady was saying “Yep, that’s my sexual future” at the beginning, and I was like, “Whuh-huh?” (she’s actually saying “my six year old’s future”). But Metal Insider, who first brought these interviews to my attention, have another one, too.

-AR

Did anyone watch Tommy Lee Goes to College when it was on? I didn’t. Yeah, it might have been funny to see the Motley Crue drummer — who I sincerely believe is at least a little bit retarded, in the truest sense of the word — fumble through college and possibly spread hepatitis and chlamydia amongst an entire sorority house. But the premise ultimately wasn’t intriguing enough to get me to tune in. And, honestly, if I was a student (or the parent of a student) at that school and I found out they were letting some dingleberry rock star and a television crew wander around and disrupt shit, I’d probably be pretty pissed.

Now Mr. Lee is getting ready to fuck shit up not just for college students, but for entire cultures. Says Bring Back Glam!:

Click to read more…

The New York Dolls are the OG glam rockers, the gnarliest, the realest, the least bullshitty. Therefore merely invoking their name in any conversation lends instant credibility to your argument. Just last week in Austin, TX, Kip W. was trying to convince me of the superiority of chicken tacos over pork tacos to which I simply said “New York Dolls!” and the conversation was over. Similarly, another metal journalist tried telling me that Between the Buried and Me are wanky instrumentalists with no songwriting ability to which I said “New York Dolls!” and that shut him up right quick. Nikki Sixx knows this tried-and-true method of debate-winning all too well; when he was confronted about going back on his statement that he’d never tour with Poison, all he had to do was point out that the New York Dolls were opening and that shut just about everyone up (except us).

Click to read more…