Sir Sweatsalot Valient Himself leads the audience in mass synchronized rowing. Photo taken by yours truly.

“You had to be there.” It’s a phrase oft uttered by would-be storytellers who just can’t seem to convey the hilarity of said story to anyone who wasn’t, ya know, there. And it’s a phrase that perfectly applies to not just the particular Valeint Thorr, Junius and Howl show Axl and I witnessed in Brooklyn last week, but to each individual band in the broader sense. Try as we may, there’s no possible way we can convey to you how freaking awesome each band was at this show, and try as those bands may, it seems damn unlikely that any of these bands will ever be able to make a record that even comes close to approximating what it’s like to see them live. Simply put, these three bands are the very embodiment of “you had to be there.”

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Last week we offered up four limited edition colored vinyls of 36 Crazyfists’ latest Collisions & Castaways. I gotta say, the entries were pretty weak, both in number and quality, but we had to chose four winners anyway so here they are:

• chainchomp: “No really dude, you have a neon caterpillar on your junk! No homo.”
• Robb: “Harold and Kumar go to White Chapel.”
• Sacajawea: “As they stumbled out of the venue going on and on about how great the concert was, the opening band prepared to do their first song of the night.”
• Fish: “Just a little further Frodo.  You must destroy the ring.”

This week we’re offering one lucky winner a vinyl copy of Valient Thorr’s latest banger Stranger (reviewed by our own Urbandale Grimes) along with a VT t-shirt. Be sure to read my fascinating interview with Valient Himself and check them out on tour in the U.S. right this very moment. To win, just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo, and remember to use a real email address (or post it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect)!

In case you aren’t yet privy to the insanity that is Valient Thorr’s live show, most Earth citizens will have a chance to catch this monolithic act this fall when VT rolls through your city on their mammoth 7-week tour (already underway). VT must absolutely be experienced live to be experienced at all; in fact, I’m so sure you’ll have a good time that I’ll pay you back for your ticket if you go to a show and somehow don’t have the best time ever. That’s how sure I am that Valient Thorr will rock your buttocks. Take this excerpt from Valient Himself’s tour blog on The Deciblog:

Rocked hard every night.  Just treating my wardrobe poorly.  It’s just disrespectful.  I am gonna be so tough after this tour.  It’s true, you can always be tougher.  Because I am tough, and sometimes I say, how can I get any tougher?  And then suddenly, I’m like 30 percent tougher than I was before.  I’m not sure, but I think this may be an infinite process (if you work hard enough).  I’ll let you know how its coming.

Would you expect any less than full on rockitude from a man who makes such a statement? No, no you wouldn’t, because Valient Himself would not lie to you.

We’ll be getting tougher with Valient Thorr (and Junius and Howl) this Thursday at Brooklyn’s Southpaw. Will you? Remaining tour dates after the jump.

-VN

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There was something of a tornado here in Brooklyn yesterday, and even if you didn’t see the tornado itself you saw some of the craziest fucking weather ever. I know you folks out in Nebraska are thinking “So what?” but for us something like this happens about as often as an earthquake does for you. Shit was positively epic. Thankfully even the monkeys didn’t get all riled up like the dudes in the above video — although I think I saw Sammy hiding in the bathtub — and business carried on as usual as it did all week:

• We stroked ourselves just a little bit by celebrating our 10,000th post with a list of our top ten favorite posts ever.
• The return of Ask Oderus: You asked Gwar’s frontman your burning questions and he answered them. Also, Eyal wondered what makes a guitarist “great.”
• We premiered new tracks by Titan, Holy Grail, These are They and we premiered the new Firewind video.
• We spoke with Valient Thorr’s Valient Himself.
• Rumpelstiltskin Grinder changed their name to The Devil. Oh wait, no they didn’t.
• We ranked the Top 10 t-shirts worn by High on Fire frontman Matt Pike.
• We looked at new records by Drudkh and Winterfylleth and Skunk Anansie.
• We looked at our favorite new-school Iron Maiden jams and we wondered if Demolisher is the heaviest band on the planet.
• Tomas Haake may or may not have actually commented on my post about some dude covering Meshuggah’s “Bleed” by playing drums on his pillows. Tomas, if you’re reading this, I have mad respect for your drumming!
• Axl released Part 1 of his Daath in-studio report.

Hopefully no more tornados hit Brooklyn this weekend. Actually, if one could swoop right over Jerry Manuel’s home then hop-scotch over to Omar Minaya’s, I’d be OK with that.

-VN

Valient Thorr must be experienced live to be experienced at all. Sure, you can get down with VT’s delicious concoction of southern rock and punk on their records, but in order to truly appreciate and understand what this band is about you’ve got to see and be a part of the live show. Mainman Valient Himself is all too aware of this fact, and it’s a topic we talked about at length in my interview with him last week.  Turns out — surprise, surprise — that’s he’s got all sorts of theories about it, that a live show is the ultimate art form as a combination of audio, visual, and physical stimulation. The ideas he shared with me over the phone came off a whole lot like his infamous on-stage rants at VT’s shows. And if you’ve seen VT live, you know full well that said rants (VH describes them as “beliefs”) are some of the best in the biz.

We also chatted about Valient Thorr’s new record Stranger (out today! read a review by our own Urbandale Grimes here), their upcoming seven-week U.S. tour with Junius and Howl, how Valient Himself spends his time off, what it was like to work with producer Jack Endino, and how the band’s career might’ve been different if their records had been pushed in Walmarts the nation over.

I initially had a hard time reaching Mr. Himself on the phone, so he had to call me back from a landline at VT’s self-described “secret laboratory.” Our chat, after the jump.

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Thorriors of the world rejoice and once more cast off your deodorant. Sweaty eminence Valient Himself and his minions from Burlatia (located inside the planet Venus, in case you’re not up on your interstellar geography) have returned to get feral on the collective ass of the human race.

Not hip to Valient Thorr? Allow me to share the recipe. Start with five guys who look like they escaped the Dawn of Man exhibit at your local museum. Pulverize classic guitar rock (Ted Nugent, AC/DC, MC5), push tempos into the red and sprinkle with Anthrax-style choruses. Of course, it’s not Valient Thorr until you add the secret sauce, which is delivering this balls-out gumbo with the recklessness of genuine article punk and enough perspiration to submerge North Americans in an ocean of their malodorous secretions.

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Maiden and Slayer have been putting their names on custom-designed shoes for years. Mastodon Vans and 3 Inches of Blood Nikes were the most recent entries into the metal sneaker trend until Valient Thorr crashed their party earlier this year. Now King Diamond is along for the ride too.

So what do we all think of this recent band-endorsed sneaker fad in metal? Would you spend your hard-earned bones on a sneaker adorned in your favorite band’s logo? For the sake of this poll, let’s assume that any band sneakers we’re talking about are well-designed and look really cool.

Originally, I had planned on livetweeting this year’s New England Metal and Hardcore Festival for the purposes of turning my pithy comments into some sort of proper show report. Looking back on some of those 140-characters-or-less entries, I realized that there was really no need to do so. Instead, below you’ll find a selection of my most poignant tweets from the two day weekender. Enjoy!

DAY ONE
So nice of @metalsucks to have this limo waiting for me at Union Station. My driver Tito has already taken a shine to me. #nemhf 12:42 PM Apr 23rd

My limo driver Tito and I stopped at Uno’s for a quick bite. I wonder if Rose Funeral refuse to eat here on principle. #nemhf 12:52 PM Apr 23rd

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Good news, everyone; after being forced to cancel one show and skip another (possibly more?) — at which Baroness’ two guitarists filled in – hospitalized Mastodon guitarist and mustache king Bill Kelliher is back performing with the band on their current U.S. tour with Baroness, Between the Buried and Me and Valient Thorr. Reader Brett S. reported that Kelliher performed with the band Tuesday night in Tucson (though his pot-addled brain couldn’t remember Bill’s name) while uber longtime caller Ryd1ZZ reported the same in San Diego last night. So all appears to be well with Bill… or, at least he’s well enough to perform. Though my ultimate dream of watching guitarists from Baroness, Between the Buried and Me and Valient Thorr fill in for a full set of Mastodon tunes will not come to fruition, I think we can all agree that this is great news.

No official word has been released yet as to why Kelliher was hospitalized in the first place. I’ve heard rumors including conditions as severe as pancreatitis and diabetes, and of course there’s always the old “partied to hard” speculation, but the latter seems unlikely to cause a three-day hospital visit. Whatever the case, if Bill wanted to the world to know, we’d know; so I guess we gotta respect his privacy. Glad to have you healthy and back, Bill.

-VN

Despite guitarist Bill Kelliher’s hospitalization, the show must go on: the band made their scheduled tour stop in Grand Rapids, MI last night, but Bill Kelliher did not perform. MS readers Matt Gaipa and Jared Lucas reported that both Peter Adams and John Baizley from Baroness each performed two songs with the band — “Oblivion” and “Divinations,” then “Quintessence” and “The Czar,” respectively — after which Mastodon finished out Crack the Skye without the assistance of a second guitar player. I’d forgotten that Mastodon are essentially a five-piece these days with a touring keyboard player in tow, so while I’m sure the keys helped fill some of the cracks I’m also sure that Kelliher’s presence was missed (especially during “Sleeping Giant,” if they played it… his delayed guitar intro is essential!). Regardless, both Matt and Jared said that Mastodon absolutely killed it.

Big ups to the boys in Baroness for learning those songs on such short notice and filling in. I wonder if, as the tour goes on and if Kelliher still isn’t able to rejoin the band, the members of Between the Buried and me and Valient Thorr will also chip in towards a full set? That’d be a pretty special thing to see, albeit coming at the cost of someone’s health (which makes it a lot less cool).

No word yet from the Mastodon camp or anyone connected to Bill. Get well soon, dude.

-VN

ADDENDUM from our own Antonin Skullia, Esq.:

According to various eyewitness accounts, Mastodon’s show on Tuesday, April 27th at the Water Street Music Hall in Rochester, NY (with Between the Buried and Me, Baroness and Valient Thorr) was canceled due to guitarist Bill Kelliher’s hospitalization. The show was originally going to be moved to Wednesday, April 28th — an off-date on the tour — but according to the venue website has now been postponed until May due to “ongoing illness with Mastodon guitarist Bill Kelliher.” While Mastodon’s own official site confirms the initial rescheduling to April 28th, it does not comment on the most recent postponement or Bill Kelliher’s condition.

No other information is available. The hospitalization could be linked to the alcohol-related illness that forced Kelliher to sit out the band’s European dates in 2008, but there’s no evidence available to either support or shoot down any such rumors. All we can really do right now is wish Bill a speedy recovery and hope that he’s well enough to continue the tour tonight in Grand Rapids, MI — the band’s just not the same without him.

-VN

Thanks: Bryan Kemp, Alex Johnson

Last year, my esteemed colleagues Vince Neilstein and Van Arseface covered the New England Metal & Hardcore Festival for this site, resulting in a plethora of posts about their experience and the bands. Pretty good stuff, I’d say. For the 2010 Worcester, MA event, I volunteered to be the official correspondent in my capacity as the resident “hardcore expert” (not to be confused with the resident “hardcore sexpert“). With big names like Cro Mags and Disembodied playing the second stage, how could I not?

So, yeah, throughout the weekend, you can follow all of my witty, ascerbic livetweets here (that is, if you have a Twitter account and a major credit card). Show reports will appear here on MetalSucks next week, with some interviews with select bands following in the subsequent weeks (because monkeys can only transcribe so fast). To answer your lingering questions:

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Valient Thorr are one of those bands you’ve got to see live to truly understand. Sure, their breed of trad metal and fiery blues rock is appealing enough on its own, but it’s not until you see these guys perform that really get what they’re all about. And it’s not their fault; it’s just really hard to convey the combination of humor and ferocity that makes Valient Thorr be Valient Thorr in any studio recording.

All this is relevant because Valient Thorr just released the new track “Doublecrossed” for free download on their official website. The track is classic Thorr with all the aforementioned qualities, but I’m sure it’d be that much more kick-ass to see the band play it live. Lucky for you, VT are about to head out on a bonerific tour with Mastodon, Between the Buried and Me and Baroness. Will they play this track? Who knows, but whether they do or they don’t Valient Thorr are always a fun time. You’d be a sucker if you didn’t arrive early to see them play.

“Doublecrossed” comes from an untitled record the band just finished recording with producer Jack Endino, due for release this Fall. Download it here. Tour dates after the jump.

-VN

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Valient Thorr are one of the most entertaining live metal bands on the planet. Valient Himself is one of the most ragingly funny frontmen in existence; Devin Townsend, Frank Mullen, Valient Himself. Dude just has me in fucking stitches before he even opens his mouth. He also sweats more in a 40 minute set than any normal human being does in a lifetime which in and of itself is pretty funny.

But a Valient Thorr shoe? Metal bands partnering with shoe companies to release custom models seems kind of in vogue lately, whatwith the widespread popularity of  Iron Maiden Powerslave Vans and Mastodon Vans. Shit, even not-all-that-popular bands like 3 Inches of Blood have joined the party with an admittedly damn cool line of Nike kicks. But all these shoes are just so fucking flashy, and honestly if I hadn’t been sent a pair of those 3 Inches of Blood hi-tops because I write for a hack metal blog I never would have bought them. Metalheads are plain folk and don’t really strike me as the shoe-collecting crowd, which begs the question: who exactly are these shoes being made for?

In contrast to the flashiness of the above-mentioned metal band sneakers, the new Valient Thorr shoe is plain and simple. It’s being made by Globe Shoes and was designed by Chris Haslam. And crucially: IT’S ALL BLACK! How much more metal than that can you get? Here’s a band that knows their fanbase well. At $70 they might be a little more than some metalheads are looking to spend, but $70 for a well-made pair of sneaks that’ll stand the test of time the mosh-pit is money well spent.

-VN

Real metalheads only stage their own personal Whackin Festival with black tissues

Given the staggering number of e-mails we’ve received from you guys since The PRP broke the story last night, I’m not really sure if I’m telling any of you anything you don’t already know, but just in case:

MASTODON, BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME, BARONESS, AND VALIENT THORR ARE ALL TOURING TOGETHER THIS SPRING

Yes, that is glorious news. I’ve never seen Valient Thorr live, but I do enjoy their music, and the other three bands are all great live. So there isn’t really much else to say here beyond, y’know, go to this.

Dates after the jump.

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The jokey (although somewhat politically relevant, maybe?) lyrics for Valient Thorr’s “Tomorrow Police” might pull you out of the song a little bit, but there’s no denying that this is a cool video. I suspect that a lot of the credit belongs to director Mike Aho. I wasn’t familiar with his work prior to this, but looking at some other videos he’s directed, it’s clear that Aho has a distinct style.

Plus, even if you do hate the lyrics, the song is still pretty fun.

-AR

So I started getting down with tweeting yesterday, and the verdict is………IT’S SILLY!!!

(but you knew that already)

My fave exchange thus far was when I asked Chris Cornell if he ever rocks Timberlands, cause that would be SO ironic, and he replied that haha yes he had 3 pairs, to which I told him that I actually like the Nelly Furtado cover version of “Jesus Christ Pose”, to which he didn’t reply. Naturally this morning when good ‘ol CC tweeted complaints about having long hair/short hair/hair, I suggested he shave his pubes. Haven’t heard back yet but obvs I’ll let you know when/if I do.

Cause of course you care, right???

When Jamey Jasta of Hatebreed mentioned that he was trying Vietnamese food last night for the first time and asked what he should have, I couldn’t resist suggesting that he try the cream of sum yung gai….to which he responded that my mother recommended the same thing! Mom — how could you??

And so perhaps I could become addicted to this terse, infantile format of communicating the random thoughts off the top of your head — but let’s hope not. What I’d really like to do is harrass as many “celebrities” as possible, and get them to respond to my inane baiting… Star-tweeting, if you will?

Follow our misadventures, and speak up!

(and after you add us, add Valient Thorr too, cause he’s hilarious!)

-KW

Where to begin? So many debaucherous moments — too many beers, not enough whiskeys, a shit-ton of BBQ, and a helluva lotta MUSIC….yes yes, it was another sleep-deprived week in Austin, Texas, and at the end of it all, it was the best one yet.

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Wednesday has done and drawn to a close, and an awesome day it was. Highlights included Young Widows, The Bronx, Fighting With Wire, Jucifer, El Mariachi Bronx (The Bronx as a full mariachi band), Valient Thorr, Pack of Wolves, These Arms Are Snakes, and finally meeting MS contributor Corey Mitchell in person. There’s so much to be seen today, Kip has gone missing, and I’m hungry, so I’ll make this quick:

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The ongoing revival of revivalist musical genres is often twofold for me — on one hand, I’m like, oh snap, this sounds like 1982 so much and that’s awesome (in the case of thrash metal), and on the other I can’t help but simultaneously recognize that’s it’s the freakin 21st Century and enough musicians/bands/genres have already made their mark stupendously so why are some folks hell-bent on recreating something that was done so well originally? (also in the case of thrash) Perhaps it’s one’s affinity with yesteryear itself (i.e. pure nostalgia for an era faded), maybe it’s the personal recollections of when said folks were all pimply and impressionable kids (as opposed to jaded grownup kids), or could it be that when certain people fell in love with music and/or a particular band/genre and they felt compelled to pick up an instrument and learn it well, their then-current context became the only style they felt/feel comfortable playing in?

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