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FOR THOSE OF US ACTUALLY GETTING LAID, HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO GET YOUR WOMAN TO LIKE METAL

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Vince has gone into some detail in the past about the travails of dating a girl who isn’t into metal; I’ve kept my own struggles to educate the future ex-Mrs. Axl Rosenberg more private, but I do feel Vince’s pain.

Lucky for us, then, that Thrash Hits has pointed us towards this article at self-titledmag.com, which outlines a plan to get your non-metal gf to give into the dark side. Here’s an excerpt:

1. Start with something she can tolerate.

Might we suggest Black Sabbath’s self-titled debut or Paranoid. Ozzy is a voice she’ll recognize, if not from TV, at least from “Crazy Train.” And the blues riffs will remind her of Led Zeppelin, which she loves (especially II, which is overrated). Also, believe it or not, but a steady diet of mainstream ’90s rock such as Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins and Jane’s Addiction just might break through her first wall of distaste. Be sure to pepper your conversation while listening with such comments as “Wow, that’s a brutal riff” and “Hell, Billy Corgan might be a candy-ass, but the yelling part of ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ is fuckin’ metal” (emphasizing the word metal) when necessary to solidify the connection.

2. Help her understand that not all metal is Cradle of Filth.

Despite this band’s ultimate suckiness, Cradle of Filth is, without hesitation, the first thing that comes into your girlfriend’s head when she thinks of metal, a travesty that absolutely must be remedied. This is a perfect time to introduce Mastodon, whose crossover appeal is known and proven.

This is solid advice, as both Vince and his woman have confirmed to me that Vince empoyed many of these tactics when trying to show her the power of the metal (It hasn’t really worked, of course, but, y’know. Baby steps.).

Read the rest of the article here.

-AR

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