Hipsters Out Of Metal!

UM, DID SOMEONE SAY “APEX THEORY?”

80

It’s a little known fact that MetalSucks co-jefe Vince Neilstein (pictured here with partner Axl Rosenberg) is a power-mad tyrant who controls the MS writer corps with manipulation and implicit threats of violence. Yeah, he seems like a cool guy, really, but would you believe that he can intercept my brainwaves via mobile phone? Or that I’m certain he is responsible for the invisible helicopter that’s been following me since St. Patty’s? Oh, you think I’m crazy? And paranoid? So, okay, I see you’d have me believe it’s just coincidence that my favorite toothpaste went on sale the day after I bought a tube. Wake the fuck up, dude. It’s all Neilstein. He’s everywhere and nowhere, an evil puppet master always wanting more, more, MORE from the once-mighty writers whom he has enslaved. Cross him and pay the price.

Well, mind control must be draining Neilstein’s lifeforce lately because the usual neighborhood dogs haven’t accosted me and barked his commands since last month, when an unleashed great dane warned me to “rop riting arout rAerosmith ror relse.” No, now he’s keeping it simple, all casually mentioning The Apex Theory in MetalSucks last week as though he had no knowledge of my secret, shameful plans to revive print discussion of that very band on this very site. Sure, an unsuspecting reader will see his Apex piece as an innocent bit of pithy writing, oblivious to the coded messages within that order us MS underlings to forgo rest and hygiene to write endlessly about stuff like the impact of Steve Vai-era Whitesnake and The Top 10 Worst Metal Bands Whose Cumulative Age is 95. How can you all be so blind?

Oh don’t call me a pussy — I’ve tried to defy the guy and it just makes everything worse. Like earlier this month when I liberated my boss’s Lakers tickets (plus three Percocets, nuge) and put off writing about the awesome new Ratt record for a few hours. Of course, punishment was quick and merciless: with a spiteful flick of the wrist, he orchestrated my beloved Ratt’s new tour with (shudder) The Scorpions, my hatest band ever. You heartless bastard, Neilstein.

Well, you win again, Vince, if that is your real name. Cuz here I sit, hacking away at my computer all night in service of your evil empire when I could be de-vomiting my balcony or at least resuming my hourly prank calls to Blackie Lawless. I’ll try not to hold your misdeeds against our mutual band of interest, The Apex Theory, a overachieving and short-lived band that probably should’ve gone on to make more awesome songs like Topsy Turvy standout “Come Forth” (fruity video here). Actually, it’s just as likely that they would’ve gone all fey and Coldplay-ish, like Thrice and Dredg. You’d like that wouldn’t you, Neilstein.

-ADF

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits