Hair Metal Happy Hour



According to Metal Undergound, Bret Michaels announced during a Canadian solo gig last night “that in celebration of Poison’s 25th anniversary, the band will be touring with fellow American rockers Motley Crue next year, who will themselves be celebrating their 30th anniversary.” That’s great news, unless you hate fun. Even with Vince Neil being bloated and winded, Tommy Lee devoting the remainder of his career to reenacting the C. Thomas Howell classic Soul Man, Mick Mars having less mobility than a corpse, and Poison being, y’know, Poison, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine this tour being anything less than awesome. Especially if they get another great glam band (by which I mean a band like Cinderella, not a latter-day cock rock wanna-be like Hinder or Saliva), to open. Seriously, just hook the alcohol dispenser up to my veins and let me go see this show. Hell, even if the just turned out to be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking, it would be awesome.

In fact, the tour might just be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking. ‘Cause one of the best things about this rumor is that we now get to take a little stroll down hypocrisy road: back in 2004, Nikki Sixx’s Brides of Destruction declined a tour with Kiss and Poison, writing on the BoD message board that there was “No way in fucking hell” the Brides or Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.”

That statement was already pretty funny at the time, seeing as a) Motley Crue aren’t exactly the most sincere bunch on the planet, and b) Brides of Destruction’s guitar player, Tracii Guns, had briefly done a stint in Poison just a few years prior. But if the Poison/Motley tour actually happens in 2011, every fucking journalist in the world is gonna ask Nikki about this quote, and he’s either gonna hafta back peddle like a motherfucker, or insult his tour mates. And either way, I am going to laugh my ass off.

I really, really, really hope this tour happens. In fact, unless the Big Four do a proper tour together, or, like, Tool tours with Gojira, I can’t really imagine any single arena show I’d be more excited to see. I ain’t lookin’ for nuthin’ but a Dr. Feelgood time, man.


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