Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF

Tues: The final 12 (men)

Wed: The final 12 (ladies)

Thur: Live results

Misery index: A dropped taco

Tyler-o-meter: 1%

For years I’ve secretly wanted an excuse to watch American Idol. And Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler’s appointment to the panel of judges provided one. Hey, I want music programming on primetime TV. I want to enjoy great songs sung by nice people. I want some schlub to get a career-enabling break.

Too bad there’s so much baggage. The fabricated human drama. The Running Man-esque torturedome. The pandering, ass-kissing, and marginalizing. The Jennifer Lopez. I hate this damn shit.

But here in week seven, things are looking up slightly. It’s live broadcast time, so no kind editing for the persistently idiotic ‘Fer-‘Pez. The Idol house band helps drown out all the weak, scared singing. And since there remained only 24 contestants, we can see a distant end to this rancid slobberfest. Thank fuck.

Now that judge input is reduced to a minimum (though ‘Fer-‘Pez displays no compunction about talking into Randy Jackson’s time) and the 100% inept singers are removed (several 80% inept singers remain), it’s probably the safest time for music lovers to join Idol season ten in progress. Before you do, get to know the singers — and see who moved on to next week — with our Idol Remains Week Seven Contestant Sc’whorecard.



Name: Clint Jun Gamboa

Song: “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder

Scoop: Eminently hatable karaoke host armed with catalogue-sized arsenal of ugly eyeglasses

Skillz: Moves? Check. Voice? Check. Personality? Wreck.

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Though Gamboa is one of the few real singers, his cockishness makes him ratings repellent


Name: Jovany with the tight bod

Song: some hideous ballad about being a pussy

Scoop: Hunky shipyard stud has more abs than chops

Skillz: Weak

Result: Voted out, then granted an unsuccessful audition for wild card spot.

Justice: Total. Now he’s free to audition for a show that would fit him: All My Children


Name: Jordan something something

Song: “OMG” by Usher

Scoop: Music teacher by day; music destroyer by night

Skillz: Correct pitch must’ve murdered his brother and now he wants revenge

Result: Voted out

Justice: Total. There are so few ways to love him.


Name: Tim the nice guy

Song: “Song To Assure Whites That Everything Is Cool” by Rob Thomas

Scoop: Skilled songwriter knows how to exalt, not how to sing

Skillz: VH1

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Now who will be the next Jason Mraz?


Name: Brett with the red hair

Song: “Light My Fire In A Strictly Platonic Way” by The Doors

Scoop: He’s “just a rainbow cupcake in a pan full of chocolate cupcakes.”

Skillz: Talks like Cyco Miko, sounds like Geddy Lee on ecstasy

Result: Voted out but ate up $100K of commercial airtime with a round of hugs for his besties, the judges

Justice: Partial. 16-year old Breddy Lee can identify correct pitch, but why didn’t he sing “Tom Sawyer”?


Name: Heavy Metal James Durbin

Song: “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” by Judass Priest (above)

Scoop: Tourette’s- and Asperger’s-stricken James begs, blasts in equal measures

Skillz: Halford at age 12; Randy Jackson said his use of upper register was “nice ‘n tasty”

Result: Voted in

Justice: Total. Cuz heavy metal rules.


Name: Robbie with the schnoz

Song: slow jam that made my ballz weep

Scoop: Peabo Bryson called and wants his blandness back

Skillz: Nice tone and pitch, which aren’t the only traits he shares with a Casio keyboard demo

Result: Voted out but granted an unsuccessful wild card audition

Justice: Total. Robbie’s thin, sackless alto could be overpowered by a kazoo accompaniment.


Name: Countreh Boah Scotty McCreary

Song: country hit about raisin’ up kids, takin’ care of mama

Scoop: A kid with a man’s voice and George W. Bush’s mannerisms

Skillz: Great if you can stand it

Result: Voted in

Justice: Ugh. This good ol’ country boy makes me want to take a good ol’ country dump


Name: Stefano Dimples

Song: “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars

Scoop: Super cute Stefano sings directly to your woman’s vagina

Skillz: Sugary tone, salty pitch

Result: Voted out but granted successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Hey if he doesn’t end up winning, there’s solace in the fact that he’s hotter than most chicks.


Name: Paul in the Nudie Suit

Song: “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart

Scoop: More like “Saggy, Fey”

Skillz: Judges hail Paul as a unique, heretofore unseen talent. Apparently they’ve never been to the Hotel Cafe.

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. At least he’s not a shrieking wail-bot.


Name: Jacob down with Jesus

Song: Who can tell?

Scoop: Seems to be forgetting the 11th commandment: Thou shalt not oversing all to shit

Skillz: Look, I have the power to bed thousands of women. But I take a day off once in a while. Try it, Jacob.

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. Save some notes for the others, stud.


Name: Casey on bass-y

Song: “I Put A Spell On You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

Scoop: Brent Hinds-lookin’ dude treats his Idol run like an audition for Blues Hammer

Skillz: Clean up that beard, brah

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. He’s a skilled musician and therefore annoying as hell.




Name: Ta-tynisa

Song: “Only Girl (In The World)” by Rihanna

Scoop: Why not bicker with the judges? That could help!

Skillz: Pitch hates you too

Result: Voted out

Justice: Ta-total. Ta-ta!


Name: Naima Adedapo

Song: “Summertime” by George Gershwin

Scoop: Can’t hear ya, your dress is too loud!

Skillz: A grown-up singer of grown-up songs

Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Total. Despite bad poise, Naima could sell records, not just sing along to them.


Name: Rachel Zevita

Song: “Criminal” by Fiona Apple

Scoop: Scared, pint-sized chanteuse sings like Amy Winehouse in need of crack.

Skillz: Steven Tyler remarked that he loved her strut, loved her moves. He forgot to say he hated her singing.

Result: Voted way the fuck out

Justice: Total. It was worth it to see Jackson’s comments crumple her chin. (ToT)


Name: Karen Rodriguez

Song: something about heroes, the expert domain of any 21-year old

Scoop: Did you hear? Karen is a Latina! She loves her mom!

Skillz: Sings in Spanish because art and emotion transcends earthly language. See: “The Macarena.”

Result: Voted in

Justice: Total. She’s a devoted daughter, nice person, and sturdy vocalist. Y’know, just like all your favorite stars.


Name: Lauren Turner

Song: “Seven-Day Fool” by Etta James

Scoop: Can seamlessly imitate Christina Aguilera. In about two weeks, she’ll be more attractive than Christina Aguilera.

Skillz: Powerhouse. Brick house.

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Nice to have an Idol contestant with some wit and self-awareness.


Name: Ashthon Jones

Song: The only Monica jam I dislike

Scoop: Fine and fiery, Ashthon has the makings of a diva. And we need more of those!

Skillz: Often unable to interpret pitch accurately, consistently sharp

Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Zero.


Name: Julie the superfox

Song: “Breakaway” by American Idol

Scoop: Julie is a superfox. Why sing?

Skillz: The recital dress, the auto show model arm, the stock-still stance? Was she told this was Miss America?

Result: Voted out

Justice: Total. Wounded by rejection, she’ll be more responsive to my tender comfort and insistence that no, her drink doesn’t taste funny.


Name: Haley Reinhart

Song: “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys

Scoop: Skintight dresses are pretty

Skillz: I like your dress

Result: Bonered in

Justice: Her drink doesn’t taste funny either. Srsly.


Name: Thia Megia

Song: “Out Here On My Own” from Fame

Scoop: I bet Tyler would agree that 15-year old Thia is amasian!

Skillz: Like most Asian girls, a little flat

Result: Voted in

Justice: Jackson likened her to Michael Jackson presumably cuz of their shared taste for 15-year old boys hey-ooooo!


Name: Lauren the winner

Song: “Turn On The Radio” not “Turn Up The Radio”

Scoop: Cuddly 16-year old Lauren is favored to win

Skillz: Huge. A real singer.

Result: Voted in yee-haw

Justice: Total. But Lauren should eschew this tee-ball country 101 shit. She would slay “Barracuda.”


Name: Pia Toscano

Song: “I’ll Stand By You”

Scoop: Pretty-by-comparison Pia can muster at least one big blast per song

Skillz: Master of suggestion as “I’ll Stand By You” netted her a standing ovation plus hails as a “stand-out” though she spent the song standing by the mic stand

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. Idol producers are pushing her as competition for Lauren the winner



MetalSucks’ Idol Remains Live returns next week for more American Idol inanity and insanity when the final 13 singers enter the octagon unarmed to do battle with rabid jackals.

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