Hipsters Out Of Metal!

IDOL REMAINS LIVE: CUZ YOU’RE DISGRACEFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

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Tues: The final 12 (men)

Wed: The final 12 (ladies)

Thur: Live results

Misery index: A dropped taco

Tyler-o-meter: 1%

For years I’ve secretly wanted an excuse to watch American Idol. And Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler’s appointment to the panel of judges provided one. Hey, I want music programming on primetime TV. I want to enjoy great songs sung by nice people. I want some schlub to get a career-enabling break.

Too bad there’s so much baggage. The fabricated human drama. The Running Man-esque torturedome. The pandering, ass-kissing, and marginalizing. The Jennifer Lopez. I hate this damn shit.

But here in week seven, things are looking up slightly. It’s live broadcast time, so no kind editing for the persistently idiotic ‘Fer-‘Pez. The Idol house band helps drown out all the weak, scared singing. And since there remained only 24 contestants, we can see a distant end to this rancid slobberfest. Thank fuck.

Now that judge input is reduced to a minimum (though ‘Fer-‘Pez displays no compunction about talking into Randy Jackson’s time) and the 100% inept singers are removed (several 80% inept singers remain), it’s probably the safest time for music lovers to join Idol season ten in progress. Before you do, get to know the singers — and see who moved on to next week — with our Idol Remains Week Seven Contestant Sc’whorecard.

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THE PUSSIES

Name: Clint Jun Gamboa

Song: “Superstitious” by Stevie Wonder

Scoop: Eminently hatable karaoke host armed with catalogue-sized arsenal of ugly eyeglasses

Skillz: Moves? Check. Voice? Check. Personality? Wreck.

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Though Gamboa is one of the few real singers, his cockishness makes him ratings repellent

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Name: Jovany with the tight bod

Song: some hideous ballad about being a pussy

Scoop: Hunky shipyard stud has more abs than chops

Skillz: Weak

Result: Voted out, then granted an unsuccessful audition for wild card spot.

Justice: Total. Now he’s free to audition for a show that would fit him: All My Children

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Name: Jordan something something

Song: “OMG” by Usher

Scoop: Music teacher by day; music destroyer by night

Skillz: Correct pitch must’ve murdered his brother and now he wants revenge

Result: Voted out

Justice: Total. There are so few ways to love him.

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Name: Tim the nice guy

Song: “Song To Assure Whites That Everything Is Cool” by Rob Thomas

Scoop: Skilled songwriter knows how to exalt, not how to sing

Skillz: VH1

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Now who will be the next Jason Mraz?

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Name: Brett with the red hair

Song: “Light My Fire In A Strictly Platonic Way” by The Doors

Scoop: He’s “just a rainbow cupcake in a pan full of chocolate cupcakes.”

Skillz: Talks like Cyco Miko, sounds like Geddy Lee on ecstasy

Result: Voted out but ate up $100K of commercial airtime with a round of hugs for his besties, the judges

Justice: Partial. 16-year old Breddy Lee can identify correct pitch, but why didn’t he sing “Tom Sawyer”?

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Name: Heavy Metal James Durbin

Song: “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” by Judass Priest (above)

Scoop: Tourette’s- and Asperger’s-stricken James begs, blasts in equal measures

Skillz: Halford at age 12; Randy Jackson said his use of upper register was “nice ‘n tasty”

Result: Voted in

Justice: Total. Cuz heavy metal rules.

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Name: Robbie with the schnoz

Song: slow jam that made my ballz weep

Scoop: Peabo Bryson called and wants his blandness back

Skillz: Nice tone and pitch, which aren’t the only traits he shares with a Casio keyboard demo

Result: Voted out but granted an unsuccessful wild card audition

Justice: Total. Robbie’s thin, sackless alto could be overpowered by a kazoo accompaniment.

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Name: Countreh Boah Scotty McCreary

Song: country hit about raisin’ up kids, takin’ care of mama

Scoop: A kid with a man’s voice and George W. Bush’s mannerisms

Skillz: Great if you can stand it

Result: Voted in

Justice: Ugh. This good ol’ country boy makes me want to take a good ol’ country dump

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Name: Stefano Dimples

Song: “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars

Scoop: Super cute Stefano sings directly to your woman’s vagina

Skillz: Sugary tone, salty pitch

Result: Voted out but granted successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Hey if he doesn’t end up winning, there’s solace in the fact that he’s hotter than most chicks.

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Name: Paul in the Nudie Suit

Song: “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart

Scoop: More like “Saggy, Fey”

Skillz: Judges hail Paul as a unique, heretofore unseen talent. Apparently they’ve never been to the Hotel Cafe.

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. At least he’s not a shrieking wail-bot.

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Name: Jacob down with Jesus

Song: Who can tell?

Scoop: Seems to be forgetting the 11th commandment: Thou shalt not oversing all to shit

Skillz: Look, I have the power to bed thousands of women. But I take a day off once in a while. Try it, Jacob.

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. Save some notes for the others, stud.

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Name: Casey on bass-y

Song: “I Put A Spell On You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

Scoop: Brent Hinds-lookin’ dude treats his Idol run like an audition for Blues Hammer

Skillz: Clean up that beard, brah

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. He’s a skilled musician and therefore annoying as hell.

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THE HARPIES

Name: Ta-tynisa

Song: “Only Girl (In The World)” by Rihanna

Scoop: Why not bicker with the judges? That could help!

Skillz: Pitch hates you too

Result: Voted out

Justice: Ta-total. Ta-ta!

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Name: Naima Adedapo

Song: “Summertime” by George Gershwin

Scoop: Can’t hear ya, your dress is too loud!

Skillz: A grown-up singer of grown-up songs

Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Total. Despite bad poise, Naima could sell records, not just sing along to them.

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Name: Rachel Zevita

Song: “Criminal” by Fiona Apple

Scoop: Scared, pint-sized chanteuse sings like Amy Winehouse in need of crack.

Skillz: Steven Tyler remarked that he loved her strut, loved her moves. He forgot to say he hated her singing.

Result: Voted way the fuck out

Justice: Total. It was worth it to see Jackson’s comments crumple her chin. (ToT)

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Name: Karen Rodriguez

Song: something about heroes, the expert domain of any 21-year old

Scoop: Did you hear? Karen is a Latina! She loves her mom!

Skillz: Sings in Spanish because art and emotion transcends earthly language. See: “The Macarena.”

Result: Voted in

Justice: Total. She’s a devoted daughter, nice person, and sturdy vocalist. Y’know, just like all your favorite stars.

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Name: Lauren Turner

Song: “Seven-Day Fool” by Etta James

Scoop: Can seamlessly imitate Christina Aguilera. In about two weeks, she’ll be more attractive than Christina Aguilera.

Skillz: Powerhouse. Brick house.

Result: Voted out

Justice: Partial. Nice to have an Idol contestant with some wit and self-awareness.

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Name: Ashthon Jones

Song: The only Monica jam I dislike

Scoop: Fine and fiery, Ashthon has the makings of a diva. And we need more of those!

Skillz: Often unable to interpret pitch accurately, consistently sharp

Result: Voted out but granted a successful audition for wild card spot

Justice: Zero.

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Name: Julie the superfox

Song: “Breakaway” by American Idol

Scoop: Julie is a superfox. Why sing?

Skillz: The recital dress, the auto show model arm, the stock-still stance? Was she told this was Miss America?

Result: Voted out

Justice: Total. Wounded by rejection, she’ll be more responsive to my tender comfort and insistence that no, her drink doesn’t taste funny.

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Name: Haley Reinhart

Song: “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys

Scoop: Skintight dresses are pretty

Skillz: I like your dress

Result: Bonered in

Justice: Her drink doesn’t taste funny either. Srsly.

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Name: Thia Megia

Song: “Out Here On My Own” from Fame

Scoop: I bet Tyler would agree that 15-year old Thia is amasian!

Skillz: Like most Asian girls, a little flat

Result: Voted in

Justice: Jackson likened her to Michael Jackson presumably cuz of their shared taste for 15-year old boys hey-ooooo!

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Name: Lauren the winner

Song: “Turn On The Radio” not “Turn Up The Radio”

Scoop: Cuddly 16-year old Lauren is favored to win

Skillz: Huge. A real singer.

Result: Voted in yee-haw

Justice: Total. But Lauren should eschew this tee-ball country 101 shit. She would slay “Barracuda.”

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Name: Pia Toscano

Song: “I’ll Stand By You”

Scoop: Pretty-by-comparison Pia can muster at least one big blast per song

Skillz: Master of suggestion as “I’ll Stand By You” netted her a standing ovation plus hails as a “stand-out” though she spent the song standing by the mic stand

Result: Voted in

Justice: Partial. Idol producers are pushing her as competition for Lauren the winner

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–ADF

MetalSucks’ Idol Remains Live returns next week for more American Idol inanity and insanity when the final 13 singers enter the octagon unarmed to do battle with rabid jackals.

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