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American Idol week 9

Wed: The final 12 perform songs from their birth years

Thur: Live results plus tons of bullshit

Misery index: Kill me

Tyler-o-meter: Double bonerz

Live television production seems like heavy-duty work, and that might explain why this week’s American Idol shows overflowed with easily avoided gaffes, stillborn gags, puzzling messages, and momentum-killing guest spots. It started with host Ryan Seacrest’s hailing of the show’s ahem “ten-year anniversary” and picked up stinky steam with a laughable guys vs. gals mash-up of “Born To Be Wild” and “Born This Way.” The messages: Copywriters need pay no heed to second-grade language study and men are “wild” while women are in need of acceptance. (Bonus message: It’s acceptable to plagiarize a Madonna song.)

What followed a second car spot featuring the Idol hopefuls (barf) was a montage of Q&As in which they talked up their childhood dreams (only one dreamt of a singing career) and special talents (none included singing). Each segment was an attempt to endear viewership to these personality-free showbiz kids, but more closely approximated a high-school AV club project and online dating profile reject reel, respectively.

Then came performances from the reigning Idol champ (Coldplay wants their piano part back) and the reigning champs of defective robot rap (Chuck E. Cheese wants his stage act back), each of which demonstrated the ease of spurring a standing ovation in the Idol torturedome. And as soon as judge Jennifer Lopez was done assigning the blame for Jacob’s pitch problems to the front of house mixing team, contestants Haley, Naima, and Karen were placed in the Bottom Three (I just watched Irreversible before Wednesday’s show; the term Bottom Three is particularly revolting). At least four Idol singers should’ve been swept right out into the street by Sandman Sims; alas, only one was eliminated.

Name: Naima

Last week: The Milwaukee native defied science to prove that a lack of wind can wreck an “Umbrella.”

This week: For the first time over nine weeks, ‘Fer-‘Pez is right about something! In this case, she called out Naima’s flat pitch, but didn’t mind the scowling.

Song: “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner

Scoop: Naima is open with her emotions, notably her hatred of the word “pitchy.”

Solution: She should get used to hearing the word “pitchy.” And “bitchy.”

Steven Tyler: “You got a sorcerer’s grasp of melody, girl.”


Name: Paul McDonald

Last week: Taught America to clap along to the music of alt-country’s greatest flannel shirt jockey

This week: Croaked out Sir Elton’s greatest ‘80s jam

Song: “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” by Elton John

Scoop: Flu-stricken Paul drowns under power band treatment but tones down stumblebum stage moves.

Solution: Re-title song “I Just Wanna Ball Up And Puke”

Steven Tyler: “You define a cool dude in a loose mood. Your swagger up there is way cool.”


Name: Thia Megia

Last week: Yawn.

This week: Snore.

Song: “Song To Calm Meth Freaks” by Vanessa Williams

Scoop: For the second time in one night, ‘Fer-‘Pez is right, this time about Thia’s shit-ass vibrato and pageant poise

Solution: Hey here’s an idea: Select a song that’s credible coming from a 15-year old, one concerning homework and boys

Steven Tyler: “Is that song who you think you are?”


Name: Heavy Metal James Durbin

Last week: Maybe America was amazed by James’ McCartney jam

This week: Pyro!

Song: “I’ll Be There For You” by ahem “Bon Jovi”

Scoop: I assume that James had to be dissuaded from attempting the song’s super high note

Solution: None necessary. Not a dry seat in the house.

Steven Tyler: “I’ve got leftover sandwiches under my bed older than you; how do you do that? Don’t get too poppy on me … That man right there has a rich vein of inner crazy.”

* *

Name: Haley Reinhart

Last week: Her haunting run at “Blue” remains in my head as of this writing. For once, that’s a good thing.

This week: Gets lipstick all over her face, zero love from judges, and a hankie from Ryan Seacrest

Song: “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston

Scoop: Her tendency to lightly bicker with Randy Jackson has caught up with her.

Solution: Stop putting lips to mic, start putting lips to judges? Okay sorry for that one. I’m a dick.

Steven Tyler: “Alright. We wanna hear more blues. Dig into that more.”


Name: Stefano dimples

Last week: Stefano demonstrated that a stapled-on club beat and wack pitch can render a Stevie Wonder hit unrecognizable

This week: Failed to match David Brent’s rendition of a Philly soul classic

Song: “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red

Scoop: Shiny Stefano snarked that other eligible hits from his birth year included “Hangin’ Tough,” “Girl You Know It’s True,” and “Funky Cold Medina.”

Solution: Call me crazy, but any of the above would’ve been better than this oft-visited fart fest

Steven Tyler: “Over the top. Over the top. Over the top.”


Name: Pia the pageant singer

Last week: Pia dedicated “All By Myself” to her dad

This week: Pia dedicated “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” to her granddad

Song: “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”?! What in the planet of fuck does that mean? Where do regular hearts go?

Scoop: It says here that Pia’s birth year was 1989. Yet according to her FUPA-centric outfits and consistently schlocky repertoire, she is 42 years old. Weird.

Solution: Look, I know it’s just a song. But hearts are incapable of going anywhere. Moreso broken ones.

Steven Tyler: “You are why this show is called American Idol.” I think he meant American Eye Dull. Ha see what I did there? You’ve been zinged, Pia!


Name: Countreh Boah Scotty McCreary

Last week: Scotty sang Garth Brooks’ “The River,” which I assume is about peeing on people.

This week: Scotty asked if he could trust me with his heart. Well that depends. If his heart, like Pia’s, is able to transport itself places, no.

Song: “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by who fucking cares

Scoop: Idol’s good ol’ boy seems content to sing easy shit to his country contingent and let other contestants shit themselves

Solution: I’ll shit on him. Problem solved. Srsly right on him.

Steven Tyler: “You just keep knowing who you are and you’re going to go somewhere.” Translation: “There are tons of dipshits who love your sell-out pseudo-country and they buy CDs. So keep it up.”


Name: Karen Rodriguez

Last week: Sang a tune I last heard when having my teeth flossed

This week: Undeterred by her song’s exclusively English-language lyrics, Karen shoe-horns in some Spanish. Just as a reminder that uh she’s a Latina.

Song: “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane

Scoop: Karen has the good sense to smile all the time, the bad sense to expect support from a voter majority that doesn’t understand her foreign lyrics. I mean, duh.

Solution: Way back in the auditions phase, Karen stated her wish that there would one day be a Latin winner of American Idol. Maybe she should’ve specified herself as that Latin singer.

Steven Tyler: “Hey you. I love when you break into your ethnic what-it-is-ness.”

Voted off


Name: Casey beardo

Last week: Casey wondered if he sang out of tune, would I stand up and walk out on him.

This week: Casey sang out of tune. I stood up and walked out on him.

Song: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. Sigh.

Scoop: I credit Casey for his decision to compensate for his song selection’s lack of show-off opps by accompanying himself on bass. This move also headed off any potentially nauseous rocking out.

Solution: Per Idol’s musical director, the solution must be adding to alternative rock’s “Stairway To Heaven” some nice squealing muted trumpet.

Steven Tyler: “You are so crazy and so talented and that’s the goop that great stuff is made of.”


Name: Lauren the winner

Last week: Idol favorite Lauren sang another softball country song about fellers and pick-up trucks.

This week: Lauren rebounds from stillborn flu-mask gag with sleek rock performance.

Song: “I’m The Only One” by Melissa Etheridge

Scoop: Everybody knows that Lauren can rip, except for Lauren

Solution: A bottle of DayQuil for heavy-lidded Lauren.

Steven Tyler: “Sometimes when somebody gets strep throat, it makes them sing better. You’re a shining star.”


Name: Jacob down with Jesus

Last week: Jacob sang R. Kelly’s “Fly,” later unzipped R. Kelly’s fly.

This week: Great song selection, blazing arrangement masked Jacob’s continuous pitch issues

Song: “Alone” by Heart

Scoop: Did Lauren’s and Jacob’s song choices get shuffled?

Solution: Unshuffle.

Steven Tyler: “Gospel had a baby and they named it Jason — uh, Jacob Lusk.”


MetalSucks’ “Idol Remains” returns next week to take cheap shots at Idol‘s ratings bait and emotionally-frazzled teens.

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