Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF


Me and Idol Remains were on well-earned hiatus last week, but worry not, you missed nothing. Okay, nearly nothing: On week 14’s shows, Heavy Metal James Durbin was wardrobed like Adam Lambert for a run at Muse’s “The Uprising,” the fat-to-filet ratio rocketed skywards in lieu of departed contestants, and Stefano dimples got bounced like a personal check in Torrance. K later, superstud!

Otherwise, Idol played par for the course: Haley Reinhart wailed, Lauren the winner waffled, Scotty warbled and winked like George W. Bush, ‘Fer-‘Pez resembled a eyebrow-bearing strip of turkey jerky, Casey annoyed the shit out of earth, and Steven Tyler spoke faster than he could think. Bam! You are up to date, Idol Remains readers. Both of you! Lulz

Today, we’re mere days from the release of Tyler’s slightly-awaited memoir, Does The Noise In My Head Bother You? (HarperCollins). Alas, I ask that you behold the lukewarm but plentiful ramp-up action in Tylerland:

  • In a Rolling Stone cover story, big fat loudmouth Tyler blabbed that he and Joe Perry did drugs together in 2008 — about two decades after their final clean-up — and their intoxication stalled the ultimately abortive sessions with producer Brendan O’Brien. So Perry was MIA for studio work just this January cuz he’s in rehab?
  • To go with his forthcoming tome, Tyler’s poppy new single “(It) Feels So Good” (above) was slated for release on May 10. An ego-drunk Tyler guessed that he’ll “hear it coming out of people’s cars this summer.” We can only assume he’ll ignore the accompanying heckles.
  • Tyler previewed the book’s um “semiprologue” in which the scarf-enthusiast laid out his value of imagination over knowledge, his wishes for mass lawyercide, and his mother’s warning about becoming “a dartboard for others’ fears, doubts, and insecurities [sic].” (To prove that he is the excerpt’s true author — as if the catastrophic sentence construction left any doubt — Tyler went ahead and rapped parts of it to unwitting Idol hopefuls on Wednesday.)

So it’s a big week for first-time author/Perry-baiter Steven Tyler. But will the pressure get to him during Carole King tribute week? Will his extensive press tour have distracted him from the supplying of vital guidance to budding young pop performers? Will he seem stoned and aloof, or gibbering and jumpy? After the hop, your 15th (!!) Idol Remains s’gorecard:


Jacob Down With Jesus

Song “Oh No Not My Baby”

The scoop Jacob has a smile from heaven, pitch from hell

Why he could last Poise! Jacob moves, grooves, and charms his way to viewer fun!

Why he must be cut Dude has two settings: warble and flat.

Production notes Concert ticket sales are sagging. Let’s have Seacrest hard-sell — nay, bully a pre-teen spectator to spread the word about American Idol Live on Tour 2011.

Steven Tyler “Jacob, see we all know you can sing. It’s just about time you shook your tail feathers!”


Lauren the winner

Song “Where You Lead”

The scoop Charmless lardass Miley Cyrus popped by Lauren’s rehearsal to pass along aged wisdom, split a twinkie

Why she could last Lauren is a winner! Or maybe that should read “wiener.” Or “whiner”?

Why she must be cut It tough to suffer Lauren’s arsenal of wiggles, curtseys, scrunched up chipmunk faces, and window wipes, not to mention persistently botched choreo that ensures our infinite familiarity with the back of her head.

Production notes Do we have time for judge Jennifer Lopez to air out secondhand beef about the pressures of public scrutiny? Go!

Steven Tyler [Reading from his book jacket:] “When your voice broke tonight, thats when you shine. You manifest the light.”


Countreh Boah Scotty McCreery

Song “You’ve Got A Friend”

The scoop Hey, this spineless teenager wants to wax rhapsodic to you about friendship. I think that means he needs a ride to homecoming?

Why he could last Scotty has established firm acquaintance with correct pitch. No seriously that’s saying a lot with this crew.

Why he must be cut Stop bobbing your eyebrows at me, stud. You’ll pull a muscle.

Production notes I bet Randy Jackson could undermine some great technique tips with a statement that he “loved seeing [Scotty’s] other cheek.”

Steven Tyler “I don’t think you ever sang better.” Amen!


Heavy Metal James Durbin

Song “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”

The scoop For this Carole King-themed week, James can’t blast a huge arena rock jam. But he still steals the show!

Why he could last Like most metal guys, James can’t sing perfectly but he performs wonderfully because he is himself. I mean, he has a self to be!!

Why he must be cut Again, pitch is persistently weak, especially when accompanying himself on guitar. But check his pro skills, like when he pulled away for a big, screechy fill and let the backing vox go big. Nice!

Production notes Have Seacrest order history’s most awkward guy hug ever between James and Jackson.

Steven Tyler “You hear that right there? You got em again! You had me sold on it right from the beginning. That’s the first song I ever made out to a girl with.”


Casey beardo

Song Whatever song it was, fuck it. Right in the face.

The scoop OMG Casey, you’re such a soul man. Not.

Why he could last Compared to Idol hopefuls past and present, Casey plays like a passionate showman. Too bad he fails compared to the lobby piano player at the movies.

Why he must be cut I’m not saying a phony can’t excel in the music business, but I’m serious when I state that if anyone entered a club to find Casey doing his gotta-take-a-shit growl routine, you’d stuff a glass in his mouth. #justsaying

Production Notes Hmm. An idea on how to de-perv Tyler: Momentarily pose a fidgeting toddler on his lap. That’s not creepy as shit, is it?

Steven Tyler “You make my scalp itch it was so good.”

Voted off a-haw-haw


Haley Reinhart

Song “Beautiful”

The scoop At long last, Haley is getting comfortable on stage! Future poise improvements: Train her eyes to cease edging around camera contact and ditch the showroom spokesmodel open palm thing.

Why she could last Haley, not the most stirring performer, is the most skilled singer. Oh and she’s got legs from here to ya-ya!

Why she must be cut Idol producers can get only limited mileage from a squirmy powerhouse like Haley. In a literal sense, she’s too good for this.

Production notes As always, the Idol playing field is leveled by discomfiting Haley with sketchy choreo and technical glitches. And why do we know absolutely zero about Haley’s personal life?

Steven Tyler “Haley, you are as beautiful as all that song is. I just saw God. You nailed it just now. You did — yes you did!”


MetalSucks’ Idol Remains next week when fuck if I know how they’ll fill 2.5 hours of airtime with this shit.

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