Moppet Metal

Unlocking the Truth Possibly Missing the Point

  • Axl Rosenberg


Over the past month or so like a zillion of you have e-mailed us about Unlocking the Truth, a band consisting of sixth graders from Brooklyn, and we’ve totally ignored those e-mails, because we wrote about Unlocking the Truth in February, and it’s not our fault that you’re too dumb to use the search function before hitting us up. But then an anonymous reader sent us a link to this story on Gawker yesterday, and as cool as I think it is that some eleven-year-olds have started a metal band and are getting some attention for it, I found some of the kids’ quotes a little, well, disturbing:

“Despite their success both online and off, the band members still suffer the daily taunts of classmates who bully them about their taste in music and personal style.

“‘I know a lot of people doubt me,’ Malcolm tells The Avant/Garde Diaries. ‘But then I really don’t listen to those people, because I know I’m going to be famous anyway.’

“And besides, Jarad knows exactly what will become of the haters: ‘Now I’m writing a book. The book is about people who are being bullied in school and they joined a band, and they have became rich and famous, and they toured all over the world. And people that judged them, they have became homeless. And it’s, like, based on a true story.’”

Now, I understand that these lil’ dudes are very young, and that we’ve all dreamt about getting revenge on the classmates who bullied us, and that, as immature youngsters, those dreams may very well have included fantasies about getting famous while our torturers suffered. That being said, I think one of these mini rockers’ parents might wanna sit them down and explain that  —

  1. Very few people make a living playing music these days.
  2. Getting famous is probably not the best reason to make art.
  3. Very few people who get famous as kids stay famous their whole lives.
  4. Most people who get famous as kids end up being totally fucked in the head.
  5. Most people who get famous at age eleven and do stay famous end up being way-beyond fucked in the head.

Pleae understand that I’m not coming from a malicious place. Quite the opposite, in fact. Speaking as a former child star myself, I just want what’s best for these kids. If they’re not careful, they could end up writing a metal blog under a silly pen name for the rest of their lives, y’know?

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