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Rumor: Canadian Government Involved in Conspiracy to Break Up Suffokate

  • Axl Rosenberg

canada versus suffokateAccording to Lambgoat, Suffokate were recently denied entry into Canada, forcing them to miss multiple dates of their current tour with three other terrible bands.

This is the second time this year that Canada has wreaked havoc on the Oakland deathcore outfit’s touring plans — in March, the Canadian government reclaimed then-vocalist Matthew “Matty K.” Krawchuck in the middle of another Suffokate tour, forcing the band to scramble to find a new frontman with the appropriate-sized ear gauges. Unsurprisingly, this has led Suffokate’s fan to wonder if the Canada had some sort of beef with the band…

…which, apparently, they do! Speaking exclusively to MetalSucks, a source within the Canadian government who identified himself only as “Twogirls Onecup” had this to say:

“Suffokate’s music isn’t worth the bandwidth it takes to stream it. No longer will the proud people of Canada suffer such fools. The influence of American deathcore on our own metal scene has been nothing short of disastrous; Despised Icon were bad enough, but when Cryptopsy released The Unspoken King, we knew we had to take action. The Prime Minister [Stephen Harper] views Suffokate and bands like Suffokate as the most dire threat to our culture since that wretched South Park movie. We will stop at nothing to make sure that deathcore, like civilian murders committed with guns, stays where it belongs: in the U.S.A.”

Although I loathe censorship, it’s hard not to sympathize with Canada in this instance. If only our own government were doing more to stop the deathcore threat, instead of worrying about meaningless issues like ISIS and the economy,

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