Metal Mysteries

Metal-Related Questions I Jotted Down When I Was Baked

  • Axl Rosenberg

metal questionsIf Motograter play in the woods and there’s no one there to hear them, how is that different from any other Motograter show?

How much wood would Chuck Schuldiner chuck if Chuck Schuldiner could chuck wood?

How much weed will I have to smoke before I finally understand why people love Sunn O))) so much?

Is a Cannibal Corpse the corpse of a cannibal, or just another name for a zombie?

Are the lyrics to Faith No More’s “Motherfucker” about anything, or did Mike Patton just write down whatever he found in his rhyming dictionary?

Will Slash’s gravestone identify him as Slash, Saul Hudson, or some combination thereof?

How do people manage to call David Vincent “Evil D.” without laughing?

When will Evil D. and Skoli-D finally make an album together? They could call it Attack of the Double Ds!

On a scale of one to ten, how fucked up is Vince Neil right at this very moment?

Was Pete Steele really depressed all the time because people assumed he had something to do with Virgin Steele?

Has anyone actually seen Joey Jordison lately? Are we sure he’s alive?

Does every sailing instructor in the world hate Slipknot because dumb kids won’t stop asking about them?

Does every Hebrew school teacher in the world hate Black Sabbath because dumb kids won’t stop asking about them?

Does every martial arts instructor in the world hate Five Finger Death Punch because dumb kids won’t stop asking about them?

Did The Dillinger Escape Plan every figure out which one of them is the killer?

Can I get chlamydia just from looking at Edsel Dope?

How many eggs and/or bottles of hair product did Wayne Static have to buy every week to keep his look going? Will the dairy industry and/or the hair product industry take a serious hit from his death?

Do the members of Slipknot ever consider taking a vacation and just letting some other band be behind the masks?

What the hell is “dry kill logic,” anyway?

Do we think it’s safe to say that the holiday slow news period has officially begun?

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