Breaking: God and Satan Embroiled in Bidding War Over Lemmy’s Immortal Soul
Last month, Motörhead frontman Lemmy Kilmister lost his life to cancer. Sources have now revealed to MetalSucks that, having had time to mourn the rocker’s death, God and Satan have officially begun the bidding war over his immortal soul.
While multiple minor deities such as Norse god of thunder Thor and Greek god of wine Dionysus expressed their immediate sadness following Lemmy’s passing, the Lord of All Hosts and the Prince of Darkness remained silent, reportedly each needing to spin some Motörhead records and take a moment to digest the news. Now, they have emerged, and have publicly made offers towards Lemmy as to whose eternal kingdom the Motörhead frontman will reside in for the remainder of the universe’s existence.
When MetalSucks contacted the Heavens, a representative for He Who is I Am responded with the following statement:
“While Lemmy often spoke out against the Lord’s earthbound servants in his music, we believe he understands that righteousness and positivity have always been the most important aspects of human life. Any person who inspired so many metalheads is a force for good, no matter how much black they wore or liquor they consumed.
“Should Lemmy accept God’s generous offer, he will receive a platinum castle next to a river of Jack Daniels, his own personal amphitheater in which he can play for the heavenly host, and the ability to call to his side the soul of any musician he wishes to jam with, even if that musician dwells in the realm of our, aheh, competition.
“On top of that, God has promised to absolve Lemmy of all his mortal sins, grant him sainthood, and initiate a holiday on earth in his honor, which will be named Passöverkill.
“We know that Mr. Kilmister will make the right choice and join the Lord in paradise.”
While God Himself could not be reached for comment, the Devil personally responded to MetalSucks’ e-mail inquiries via a black goat on hind legs who appeared at the Mansion as though from nowhere, and who said the following:
“Let me ask you something, pal, why the flying fuck would Lemmy go to Heaven? The dude is all about hard work and attitude. He knows it’s better to reign down here than serve as just another soul up there.
“What’s he being promised by the Fat Bastard Upstairs? Absolution? Oh, for fuck’s sake, doesn’t that idiot know that Lemmy doesn’t do regrets? Yeesh.
“What? Yeah, you heard me, reign. If Lemmy joins the legions of darkness, I’m going to make him co-ruler of Hell. No joke. He’ll get a throne next to mine, a bass guitar that can cause volcanic eruptions, and all the demons of the pit at his disposal. If there’s anyone I’m going to share Hell with, it’s Lemmy fucking Kilmister. Sure, I was the first being ever created and managed to get humanity thrown out of Eden, yadda yadda yadda, but dude, have you heard Iron Fist? That’s the kind of man we need down here, someone who lived with no remorse.
“We’ll see what he decides, but I gotta tell you, mortal, I’m feeling pre-tty fu-cking good about my chances here.”
Lemmy, currently dwelling in a private VIP booth in Limbo, could not be reached for comment. However, the soul of Winston Churchill, when spotted stumbling out of Lemmy’s chambers with a hard buzz on, said that the singer had heard the offers from both deities, but wanted to wait a little bit and “make ’em squirm” before making a final decision.