Death: “You Guys Won’t Believe Which Rock Star Is Next!”


According to a recent interview, Death, grim reaper and way of all flesh, announced that there’s another rock star demise on the way, and that it will “blow everyone’s minds.”

Death’s pre-announcement came in response to being asked about the recent tapering off of rocker deaths after the passings of Lemmy, David Bowie, Scott Weiland, Jimmy Bain, and Glenn Frey, all within the last four months. Though seemingly reluctant to divulge details concerning his next big musical acquisition, the Bitter Name did finally admit that he wasn’t done with 2016 quite yet.

When further pressed, Death said the following:

“My lawyers have advised me to play this one closer to my chest, and the last thing I want to do is get in legal hot water, but what I can say is that you guys won’t believe who’s next. This is going to be huge.

“I double-checked my spreadsheets the other day, and I just started laughing, because this next one…man, it’s going to be a doozy. I’m talking vigils, tribute albums, funeral webcasts, the whole nine yards.

“People are going to be shocked, and I might lose some fans over this, but it’s important for me to keep broadening my horizons. And between you and me, I’m excited. I have a lot of important clients, but this one…it’s been a dream to meet this person since I first saw them play live. I’ll say that.

“Man, I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. My publicist is going to kill me.”

Amidst a lot of head-shaking and chuckling, Death finally admitted that the upcoming artist had more than one platinum record, that they were more of a rock musician but still deeply loved by metalheads, and that several plans for tours and other promotional campaigns would have to be cancelled to fit the Reaper’s schedule.

When asked if there was any chance he would let up on the rocker community for the rest of 2016, the Specter of Inevitability rolled his sockets and made a masturbatory motion on the snath of his scythe.

Let up, that’s rich. I don’t let up, and I’d hope that at this point most rock stars, with how much they sing about me, understand that. I’m the hardest-working guy in show business, and I don’t let personal drama and sentimentality get in the way of what I do.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s tough. My autograph book is filling up quick this year. But in my line of work, you don’t use the word ‘no’, and you don’t get Christmas off. Go hard or go home.”

When asked about his opinion of Phil Anselmo, Death declined to comment.

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