Scare Tactics: Was Obama BORN IN FINLAND?!?!?!?!


President Barack Obama–our nation’s first black president, a proud son of Hawaii, and a model American.

OR SO WE THOUGHT. New information released this weekend shows that President Obama was not born in the US, but in fact amongst the GODLESS HESHERS of THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF FINLAND. MetalSucks has this exclusive report.

We’ve all seen the video where President Obama commends the FOREIGN COUNTRY of Finland for having so many heavy metal bands. But now, it’s come to light that President Obama is actually trying to promote his FATHERLAND. According to Professor of Languages Reggie Caliente at Cheap Degree 4 U College in Bayonne, NJ, the legality of Obama’s background first peaked his interest when he saw the short-form document released on June 12th, 2008:

“If you look at the document in question, you’ll notice a series of words like ‘Oahu’, ‘Honolulu’, and ‘Caucasian.’ These aren’t words you often find in good, American English. As I compared them to various other languages, and found a discernible similarity between those words the names of current and former members of bands like HIM and Children of Bodom. There’s no way that’s a coincidence.”

A comparison of President Obama's "birth certificate" with the past and current line-up of Children of Bodom. Note the similarities.
A comparison of President Obama’s “birth certificate” with the past and current line-up of Children of Bodom. Note the similarities.

Even more damning perhaps is the following entry on Metal-Archives amongst the former members of FINNISH metal act Nightwish:


According to a reputable source, a secret agent who refused to give his name but goes by the online handle ‘ArmsWideOpen777’, Obama’s nationality has been a carefully-kept government secret. Once, when Obama was threatening to announce his foreign heritage to world, he was tasked with assassinating the president to keep word from getting out:

“That was when the CIA told me to take part in Operation: Finnish Him. They were worried that Obama’s announcement that he’s a proud Finn would send the nation into a state of upheaval–or worse, convince people to adopt the Finnish lifestyle. Can you imagine that, in America? Saunas? Vodka? Killer glam metal licks being played with a death metal guitar sound? Not here. Never here.”

So BE CAREFUL, AMERICANS!! The next time you decide to donate to a presidential campaign, do your research and make sure you’re not just TOSSING HARD-EARNED AMERICAN DOLLARS AT UNCLE LASSE. Only by strict adherence to old-fashioned social norms can we wipe our shores clean of the FINNISH MENACE!

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