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Idiot Sound Guy Knocks Over Stage Blood That Kevin’s Mom Worked Really Hard On


The Hard Times #MetalWeekstage blood

If you’re reading MetalSucks you’re surely familiar with The Hard Times, a site that masterfully and hilariously pokes holes in the punk community and whose satirical articles make us laugh on a daily basis. This week we’re teaming up with The Hard Times for #MetalWeek, in which the focus of their skewering shifts to all things brutal, frosty and grim, and your pals at MetalSucks and Metal Injection are along for the good times. 

COSTA MESA, CA – Tragedy struck tonight as a bumbling audio engineer at The Corner Store knocked over the stage blood that Kevin’s mom spent hours creating. Band members report that the blood was gonna be super important later, and that the sound guy is truly a dumbass.

Pyramid of Pain, a self-described devastatingly awesome death metal band, had planned on closing the night’s set with with a sick display of strobe lights, pounding rhythms, and regurgitated blood. Witnesses claim that plan was crushed instantly when Rusty Jarvis, the dumb-as-a-rock sound guy, knocked over the blood for their finale. It was bass player Kevin Nguyen’s turn to bring the blood, sources report.

The blood, meticulously researched by Kevin’s mother and concocted from water, corn syrup, flour, and red food dye, was sitting innocently in a nondescript bucket next to his bass amplifier when the oblivious sound guy knocked it over while plugging in a monitor.

“My bad,” offered an unphased Jarvis, completely unaware of both how fucking cool the blood was going to look and how much it meant for Jarvis’s mom to be able to help out, what with her working irregular hours as a registered nurse and all that.

“This is a tragedy,” claims Nguyen. “I can’t see Pyramid of Pain doing a show without the prop blood. We always end the show with our best song, ‘Skinhole,’ and it’s this huge spectacle, you know? During the guitar solo, we all bleed out our mouths and it’s just metal as hell. It’s like ‘doodly doodly doodly squee,’” Kevin adds, miming a kickass guitar solo. “Its sucks, too, since Mom spent all that time getting the blood just thick enough, and like, her hands have been tinted red for the last three days because of it. Man.”

Ten minutes to showtime, Pyramid of Pain is still unsure how to respond to the disaster. “Honestly, I’m thinking it might be a ‘no blood, no show’ situation. On the other hand, we only get booked like four times a year.”

Metal Week is a Hard Times production brought to you in collaboration with our friends at Metal Injection and Metal Sucks. Follow along on Twitter with #MetalWeek.

Article by Kyle Erf @KyleErf.

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